Everything you’re feeling is natural. (I bet OW will never be the bowler you were!)
I had mushy declarations of love from my ex too - right up until a couple months before he finally left. I kept those emails and cards for a long time, just to convince myself that I wasn’t crazy.
With the gift of many years since my divorce and the wisdom of perspective from a distance, I can see that I did the heavy lifting in my marriage. I made sure our finances, our home and the kids all functioned. I catered to his interests. As a narcissist, he only ever wanted to do what HE wanted to do. He’d whine about it if he had to go with me and the kids to Disneyland (an infrequent one day event as we live only 80 minutes away). He’d whine if I suggested we do something with a couple I liked. I kept him more honest than he would naturally be. Vacations revolved around his interests.
It took a few months after he left before I realized how nice it was not to be walking on eggshells, not to be managing someone else’s moods. Being free to pursue my own interests, hang with people I liked, etc. It was freeing.
And although I still regret losing that intact family for my kids’ sake, and that comfortable retirement we would have had together, I’m actually glad I’m not going to spend my retirement years (when they come) with him. I’m happy steering my own ship.
Good Morning all, Random thoughts and venting this morning,
Just reading over all the post and others threads, and I can see what I have been doing. I am / have been trying to control the outcome. Had some light bulb moment... and some information and insight I have gotten from others threads.
I can not control H, his thoughts, his actions, anything with H. H fired me from being his W. OW has his ear now, and his heart, I can not do anything about that. H is actively rejecting me, he is choosing OW and life with OW. (that hurts) I need to stop reading into his words and actions, it will not change anything right now. The damage is done, and he has not made any steps towards our M. I can not nice him back. I need to stop doing anything W related for him. (sending flowers for funeral, etc.) I can still love and care for him, from a distance. And it is ok to still love him, I do not like what he is doing, but I love the man he was and the life we had. We do not have that anymore and it will never be the same. (hard pill to swallow) I need to stop hanging onto the idea that MLC H has any of the sane thoughts of right and wrong that old H had. That MLC H is in it deep. All the denial from his statement, " I am still me" He does not see it yet, possible never will. He believes his own lies. He is not himself, I see that, H does not see it. I can not make him see it. This makes me doubt my thoughts and what I know to be true. I see the truth from the past 21 years together, from pictures, cards, actions, beatiful declarations of love that he would post on my FB, that pop up daily in my FB memories. MLC H is broken, I can not fix him, my love can not fix him.
I hope, someday, that my H will come out of this, that he will see that our M, we are worth it. That we had it all, together. That we can rebuild us and be stronger. That he will face his demons, and heal what he does not see as broken right now.
I do not feel strong today, I feel defeated. There is no escape from the sadness, the pain,the anger, the disgust, the facts of what is happening. There is no making sense of this, it is senseless, there is no logic, no clear thought process. There is just being, being alive, living moment to moment. Trying to come to terms with this, all of this Sh*t of H's doing.
He is really living in the past. Since my back injury a few years ago I can not bowl anymore. H and I use to bowl together alot, I was pretty good for a girl. H is a awesome bowler and took pride and teaching me. Now he bowls everything that we use to bowl with OW. For a few years he did not care to go to all of the tournaments, well that changed and he is back on the circuit like he was in his 20's.
Oh, I hate all of this, feeling lost today. Dosen't help I have been cooped up healing. Going to try and make it out to dinner with family tonight, even if its only for a few hours. Thanks for listening S
Stella everything you wrote is spot on and I am very impressed that you have come to this understanding this quick. Those feelings you are feeling are normal so try to sit with them and work through them as best you can. Yell, scream, cry, punch a punching bag etc. Eventually those feelings will start to fade as time goes on. There will never be an answer that makes sense to you so try not to go there if possible. Put 100% of your focus on you moving forward. Get out tonight if you can and enjoy your family.
LH I understand it, but it does not make me feel any better. I so badly want to call H, ( I won't thats why I am rambling on here) I want him to come back to us so bad. I am having a big melt down right now, I hurt so bad, I just want him to be him again. I need my old H so bad right now, to hold me and tell me this was all a big mistake, that it was all wrong, he was wrong...Thats not going to happen... just need to breath through this. I miss him so much, not MLC H..my H.
Stella - after my ex finally left, the first guy I dated was a long distance relationship. I would drive up to see him about once every month or two, we would chat every day. Ooh, he was a lovely guy, handsome and sexy, smart and interesting. However, he was what is known as a Love Avoidant. He liked seeing me, but not too often, and wasn't really a relationship seeking guy.
After about a year and a half, he dropped me to resume a relationship with his high school sweetheart who had found him online. I really couldn't be mad about that, and they are still together (sort of - she doesn't seem to get any more from him than I was getting.)
But during the time before that when I was getting frustrated with not getting more from him in the relationship, I wrote on an index card "He's Just Not That Into You" and stuck it in the visor of my car. Every once in a while, when I would find myself thinking longingly about him, I'd pull down my visor and read that card. Sounds silly but it really helped me stay sane about it.
The happy ending is that he and I are still friends, and I'm happy now to just have him as my friend. He was instrumental in my healing from my divorce and I'll always be thankful to him for that.
Thank you guys!! Had a good cry, but had to stop, made my incisions hurt, lol... Sometimes I feel so strong, but then H does something nice, like just now. My nephew sent H & me a email asking for a donation for his baseball team. H sent me a email to send them some money. Then he text me to see how I was healing from surgery. Seriously WTF is what I want to scream at him....
I know he is just doing things to make himself still feel like he is a nice guy even though what he is doing in not nice guy behavior. So baffling, that disconnect from the reality of ones actions.
Good Morning, Well, made it through another day. Didn't make dinner with family, ended up having to take more pain pills, plus have no appetite. One of my girlfriends might stop by later today, which would be good, just feeling very lonely with being cooped up healing. Patiences is not my strong point, something I really need to work on.
This weekend is the superbowl, H and I have been hosting a party for the last 21 years for Superbowl. Designed our basement with a large bar and multiple TVs. This was always H's favoriote day of the year. He always said it was a way to keep in touch with all of our friends over the years, friends that we would only see for this party. Found out, from a friend, last night that he is having it at the bowling alley right down the road. She asked me if I was going to show up, I told her no that would not be a good idea. She said that she has no desire to go but her H is making her. She wants nothing to do with H & OW, told her I don't blame you. What they are doing is disgusting.
It really hurts to see that H is just acting like she is his new W. That he just removed me and replaced me with that monster. Doing all the things with her that he did with me. Not sure how our friends can eve be part of that. But then again, he tells everyone that he just wasn't happy with me. That I was the problem, some buy it some don't. It hurts to watch someone else try to live my life. She will never be me, the R that they have will not be respected.
Do the MLCers ever stop, in moments like this, and ever think about the life they had? Any moments of clarity? Like a what am I doing, moment? We had so many good memories from our Super bowl parties. One year we built a bowling lane out of ice in the yard and had a ice bowl tourny. God that was a fun day.
Do the MLCers ever stop, in moments like this, and ever think about the life they had? Any moments of clarity? Like a what am I doing, moment? We had so many good memories from our Super bowl parties. One year we built a bowling lane out of ice in the yard and had a ice bowl tourny. God that was a fun day.
S
Hi Stella.
To be frank, we can't know if they have regrets or not. In the pixie-dust fairy land that they live in perhaps all is sparkles and shine. We can't know. Some do admit to having regrets, usually only after their dreams fall apart and they try to circle back like a vulture saying the things that they hope will get them back in. And yes - I'm perhaps rather cynical about such things.
Right now you are in the tough part of this journey. Second guessing yourself and him. Boy oh boy have I been there and even 6 years out still have similar thoughts.
One of the things that I learned here, and it was tough to learn, was to let go of their destiny and focus on my own. My xW and OM live about 10 minutes away from here in a small house that if I do the math, that I'm paying for. She gave up what I felt was a comfortable life, good husband. I know she's kept an eye on me - she was seen lurking in the shrubberies at the garden centre across the street a few years ago when I was dating someone. And yes - finding the absurdity in it all can help. It certainly helped me.
I know essentially nothing about their lives. I just send the payment each month as agreed to in our divorce. Letting to of someone and the life you shared together is so very very hard. You have a lot of sunk costs as does he. And shedding that bit of "normalcy" is hard, undoubtedly on both sides which is why he occasionally does things that appear "normal" to you. It's hard to not try to read things into it which may or may not be there.
I've not really followed your story much but know you are not alone. Many have trod this path before you. In a minority of the cases, the leaving spouse has circled back and reconciled even when there has been an OW involved. A good number of those left again after causing even more damage the second time around. In most cases, they don't circle back. And the LBS for the large part has realized that they feel freer and have a better life without their former partner as hard as that is to believe at this point in your journey.
((Stella20))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
