Good Morning all, Random thoughts and venting this morning,
Just reading over all the post and others threads, and I can see what I have been doing. I am / have been trying to control the outcome. Had some light bulb moment... and some information and insight I have gotten from others threads.
I can not control H, his thoughts, his actions, anything with H. H fired me from being his W. OW has his ear now, and his heart, I can not do anything about that. H is actively rejecting me, he is choosing OW and life with OW. (that hurts) I need to stop reading into his words and actions, it will not change anything right now. The damage is done, and he has not made any steps towards our M. I can not nice him back. I need to stop doing anything W related for him. (sending flowers for funeral, etc.) I can still love and care for him, from a distance. And it is ok to still love him, I do not like what he is doing, but I love the man he was and the life we had. We do not have that anymore and it will never be the same. (hard pill to swallow) I need to stop hanging onto the idea that MLC H has any of the sane thoughts of right and wrong that old H had. That MLC H is in it deep. All the denial from his statement, " I am still me" He does not see it yet, possible never will. He believes his own lies. He is not himself, I see that, H does not see it. I can not make him see it. This makes me doubt my thoughts and what I know to be true. I see the truth from the past 21 years together, from pictures, cards, actions, beatiful declarations of love that he would post on my FB, that pop up daily in my FB memories. MLC H is broken, I can not fix him, my love can not fix him.
I hope, someday, that my H will come out of this, that he will see that our M, we are worth it. That we had it all, together. That we can rebuild us and be stronger. That he will face his demons, and heal what he does not see as broken right now.
I do not feel strong today, I feel defeated. There is no escape from the sadness, the pain,the anger, the disgust, the facts of what is happening. There is no making sense of this, it is senseless, there is no logic, no clear thought process. There is just being, being alive, living moment to moment. Trying to come to terms with this, all of this Sh*t of H's doing.
He is really living in the past. Since my back injury a few years ago I can not bowl anymore. H and I use to bowl together alot, I was pretty good for a girl. H is a awesome bowler and took pride and teaching me. Now he bowls everything that we use to bowl with OW. For a few years he did not care to go to all of the tournaments, well that changed and he is back on the circuit like he was in his 20's.
Oh, I hate all of this, feeling lost today. Dosen't help I have been cooped up healing. Going to try and make it out to dinner with family tonight, even if its only for a few hours. Thanks for listening S
Stella everything you wrote is spot on and I am very impressed that you have come to this understanding this quick. Those feelings you are feeling are normal so try to sit with them and work through them as best you can. Yell, scream, cry, punch a punching bag etc. Eventually those feelings will start to fade as time goes on. There will never be an answer that makes sense to you so try not to go there if possible. Put 100% of your focus on you moving forward. Get out tonight if you can and enjoy your family.
