Everything you’re feeling is natural. (I bet OW will never be the bowler you were!)
I had mushy declarations of love from my ex too - right up until a couple months before he finally left. I kept those emails and cards for a long time, just to convince myself that I wasn’t crazy.
With the gift of many years since my divorce and the wisdom of perspective from a distance, I can see that I did the heavy lifting in my marriage. I made sure our finances, our home and the kids all functioned. I catered to his interests. As a narcissist, he only ever wanted to do what HE wanted to do. He’d whine about it if he had to go with me and the kids to Disneyland (an infrequent one day event as we live only 80 minutes away). He’d whine if I suggested we do something with a couple I liked. I kept him more honest than he would naturally be. Vacations revolved around his interests.
It took a few months after he left before I realized how nice it was not to be walking on eggshells, not to be managing someone else’s moods. Being free to pursue my own interests, hang with people I liked, etc. It was freeing.
And although I still regret losing that intact family for my kids’ sake, and that comfortable retirement we would have had together, I’m actually glad I’m not going to spend my retirement years (when they come) with him. I’m happy steering my own ship.
