Sounds like my parents though at 83 my mom recently got over it.
Hah, good to know there is still hope for them…they are in the beginning of their 70’ties now…
Originally Posted by Elbereth
This statement shows the love you still have for him. So much. You want to be fair, have no conflict, be loving and supportive, and have a positive relationship especially for the kids. You are even taking some of the blame. It’s so admirable. It really is. But the hard truth is that what YOU want really doesn’t matter to him. There is no WE anymore. And it’s not your fault. You did the right things and tried. He left you. He’s leaving you. Why are you sharing in that ‘blame’ for what he didn’t do? I know it feels harsh and against your normal way, but LH19 is right, you need to stick to the I statements and “I” mindset. You can still do all the things you feel you need to do that allow yourself to heal, not get in the way of his healing, and work well together to ensure the kids are supported. But you are going to have to do it alone. And you have to do it for yourself regardless of what he does. You can’t control or influence what he does. All you can do is come to the table ready with your ‘part’ and hope he does the same. And your words also need to not include “we” or “us”, otherwise you are still trying to control what you can’t control. All you can say is what you plan to do or what expectations you have. There is no agreement to make. He already disregarded the agreement of your marriage. What makes you think you can make another one with someone with this mindset?
The ugly truth is that once you establish boundaries and show that you are no longer emotionally available to them (to lean on or manipulate), there will most likely be conflict. They are used to us putting their needs first, or caring what they want, or whatever. They will either fight back to keep things the way they were (that benefited them), or they will move on and get it from someone else. But if what they want is not emotionally healthy as a partner, it’s okay that they go get it elsewhere…because it is never going to be good enough for us in this current situation. Dropping the rope is another boundary of sorts. You are pretty much showing in your actions that you are no longer there for them. In all ways. In all ways except the bare minimum of business needed to support your kids. There will be conflict. Expect it. At least at first. Try to remember that this connection that you are holding onto right now is not one you want. It feels familiar, and it holds history, and there is still so much love in it in your heart. But its not something real. It’s not a connection with someone who loves you and cares about your needs. It’s a connection with someone that has shown you by their actions that they care only about their own needs.El
This has helped me enormously these past 2 days. It is not that I didn’t know what to do (when 3 years in you know what to do, but you forget to apply when you are sucked back in, which happened the past 10 weeks). They are a master in tricking us they are at the final end of their crisis, whilst in reality he has made a lot of progress but he still has a very long way to go. But I wanted to thank you to remind me what had to be done!
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Just like me, Eagle will take these suggested steps when she is comfortable and ready. El
And I finally am…
It all started on Wednesday with the walk we had together to finalize some things.
MLC H is a monster to the kids when it comes to their school results. This has taken huge proportions during his MLC. Due to the fact that he never did what he had to to in school, and was a huge rebellion, he projects everything he did wrong on them. (while this cannot be compared at all)
The kids are all smart, but like most teenagers they hate to study, so their grades are not fantastic. The problem is, in the last 10 weeks I have seen tremendous progress in his “new me”, but when his “bad me” comes out, it's a thousand times worse than it already was. Fortunately, the moments when you see G last much longer than the moments when you see MLC H, but I can't and may not allow this anymore. He really traumatizes the children and myself. This was the case 2 weeks ago, but the bomb also burst on Wednesday evening again.
El, you're right it's much easier to separate MLC H from H, this way it all makes more sense.
During the walk, MLC H started talking about S17 and its studies. (he is lacking commitment in his senior year and could lose it if he doesn’t change attitude towards learning) He wanted to impose an appropriate punishment, which I certainly followed, but a little later he actually wanted to take away almost his entire social life, so I said he went too far. He is very destructive with everything and I wanted to show him that you sometimes get a lot further with constructive things (and certainly life lessons).
Result: MONSTER came out big time
I then told him all the things I had originally written in my thread the beginning of this week, but then as you all proposed, in the “ME” or “I” form.
In the evening it escalated further when S14 had received a some bad school results. MLC H had an outburst, a rage which was really frightening, he involved all 3 of the kids again, telling them thing a F could never say to his children without consequences.
The kids are fed up with it, I’m fed up with it.
MLC H has to go. I will also cut all contact. Yesterday, after many messages from his part, I finally admitted to talk one last time. I had warned him that if he made one reproach I would leave immediately. And I also told him that I wasn't going to shut my mouth anymore, that I was going to honestly say my full thoughts, if he didn't want to hear it, then there would be no conversation. I'm doing this because I wanted to and because he made huge progress in his MLC. He know very well what is wrong with him, he simply doesn’t want to do much about it yet. I simply pushed the buttons one last time.
When I arrived, manipulation, he just wanted to talk about the children. That we have different opinions about the upbringing of the children and that this is where the problem lies. He knows that he has traumas from the past that he has to deal with and that he is fully engaged in, but he thinks that this has nothing to do with our relationship, with his way of parenting, with his work, etc. I just told him everything I wanted to say in a gentle manner. About the fact that everything is linked to each other. That he needs professional help for all his problems (alcohol, anger, sex, social, professional, etc)
I also told him that I no longer want contact, that I do not intervene in the relationship with the children anymore, that he is on his own as from today and that I don't want to see him anymore, the pain he has caused has left too many traces/tracks (don’t know how you say this in English). He replied then and said he didn’t want to be involved anymore in the education of the children and that I had to do it on my own then, I told him, OK, if that is what you want. This is your choice.
So we made the necessary arrangements: The contract for the house has been signed and the house will be put up for sale at the end of this month. MLC H will leave to go to ex-OW2 on Saturday to have some closing with her in a polite way if she doesn’t want him back. (he left there with a huge fight) He thought I should know because he wouldn't lie anymore about the fact he went to ex-OW2, I wished him good luck. Then he will go to a Yoga/meditation retreat for 1 week and then he will return to a rented house nearby our current home. The first weeks we agreed to have no contact at all, neither with me nor with the kids, after that only for matters that concern the children. He would then possibly want to start the custody arrangement as agreed in the D settlement (1 weekend every 2 weeks), we'll see how this progresses.
Kids currently don’t want to see him. Told them this is between you and your F. I’m here to guide you, not to take this difficult decision for you. You are all old enough.
The rate that he must pay monthly (maintenance money for the kids, which was already agreed) and half of the fixed costs for the current home were confirmed.
Now it Is my time. I've done everything in my power to be there for him but I don't want to do this anymore. I want to move on with my life and finally had the strength to have this confrontation and yes, it turned out in conflict but I managed to stand my ground. I know this is the only way with him, he is a master manipulator and no contact is the best option in this case.
And last but not least, he lost his job this week...He has partly manipulated it to achieve this but will probably have a serious impact again, but luckily this is no longer my problem.
