Both Steve and LH were pretty harsh at times with me about my decision to stay with my H. I had always thought an A of any sort would be a deal breaker for me, but when it came down to it and I really thought through my priorities, values, and identity and what really mattered to me, I decided that working to keep my family together and spend every night with my kids was more important. I still believe that and am grateful for that every day, even though reconciliation isn't easy. Feeling the judgment of this group was hard for me in the moment, when I was so raw and hurting. Steve, I remember when you tore into WF and was so impressed with how she stood up for herself.
Sometimes I think neither of you really think about the actual human being on the other end of your advice, really trying to understand their own motivations, boundaries, core values that might be different from their own. I see a lot of you telling others what you would do in their situation, but it isn't always couched that way-- more like you should do X or you're a sad pathetic doormat who should really have more respect for yourself.
To me, the important thing is helping the LBS figure out what is important to THEM and what is best for them in their own situation, which may not be what we would do ourselves in the same situation. Steve, I think this is what people are saying to you-- there really is no need for you to say that a PA is deal breaker for you when you're posting about someone else's situation. The question is, is a PA a deal breaker for them? And also to be completely honest, I really don't buy it that if your wife came up to you tomorrow and said Steve, I'm so sorry, I have been wanting to say this to you for years but I was afraid I'd lose you if I did, but I just need to be completely honest-- something did happen with that person from years ago. Would you really pack your bags and walk away? I don't buy it. And while I'm still pretty p!ssed at my H for all the trickle-truth lying over months and months (swearing up and down that it was an EA when it was not), he's said to me that while there is no excuse for what he did, he was terrified of telling me the truth and what it would mean. Especially given your stance on PAs, your wife will probably never tell you unless she decides she unequivocally wants out. I'm not saying this to sow doubt, but maybe to ask you to extend a little grace towards her if she did, or towards yourself for the choices you made in the past, and for all the rest of us who are trying to come to terms with our own choices as LBSs and make sense of what happened to our marriages.
LH, I agree with WF. I think you've come a long way, honestly, in terms of empathy, and recognizing when your own trauma around your situation might color your response to a poster. It's impressive.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
