Husband MLC? need help

[Stella20]

Lh,
Yes, I see that with myself. I want to pursue, I want to control this. But I can not. And yes I have invented excuses to reach out. I need to fight that impulse and push through the urges... ugh so hard at times. I have never been one for much self control over the years, something else I need to work on.

Meeting out with my family for diner tomorrow to celebrate nieces B day. I need to get out of the house, been cooped up and healing.
Next Saturday I have my first volunteer day with the animal shelter that I got my fur babies from. Got a bad(good) feeling that this is going to lead me down the crazy cat lady path. But I am ok with that.

I also need to get a job, have been going through the motions, but have not really focused on getting one. Plus as soon as I can heal up from surgery, I am joining the local gym.

I am a work in progress.

[bttrfly]

first:
talk to your lawyer before you get a job. this is very important as you head towards divorce. I'm not saying don't get a job, i'm saying understand exactly what you're dealing with first.

second:
kudos to you for the service work. I started volunteering at an endangered animal educational facility because my son went to his dad's every other week and the emptiness was absolutely soul crushing. I needed to give back to heal myself. It worked.

third:
regarding wanting to reach out. my best advice is when you want to do that, look down at your feet, then slowly bring your gaze up, look around the space you are in. Is he there? No. Then let it go. I had to do that, and something about the action of allowing my gaze to look around the room gave me enough time for the impulse to recede long enough to be strong enough to not act on it.

I hope these points help. I think you're doing far better than you realize. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

[Stella20]

Thanks Bttrfly,
My lawyer told me to wait, I am trying to hold out until the first hearing at end of March, but will need to have a job before final court date, so they can not go off my last job. I made good money and do not want to go back to that career and would not beable to make that money again in a new field. Would like to find a job I enjoy, just will need insurance.

I feel like I am making baby steps, but hey, thats a start.

[kml]

Yes - once you are established in a new job that is a realistic idea of what you can make now, not what you used to make, that will help you. Makes it harder for them to impute your prior income unless it's perfectly clear that you could go back to earning that much - which, with age discrimination, may not be true at all.

But do run this reasoning by your attorney too.

[Stella20]

Ok, this is odd and I need to run it past all of you. Probably just overthing it.

My and H's good friends, we are God parents to there kids... there mother past away on Monday, night.(covid and underlying health issues) OBit was posted today, and I was planning on sending flowers as it is out of town. H text me and asked if I would send flowers from both of us. Which I already did and just sent him the receipt.
Why would he ask that? Everyone knows what he did, especial these friends.
Guilt? Shame?
I am reading into this, right??

[DnJ]

Hello Stella

Glad you are mobile and feeling well after your surgery.

It just baffles me that he can treat me like this. I have always loved and supported him, I have done nothing to him to deserve such horrible treatment...How do you get over that??

You find forgiveness.

Forgiving H is really for you.

Being able to write paid in full upon that emotional invoice you currently hold, is incredibly freeing.

It’s a bit of a trek walking such a noble path, and very well worth it. For you are worth it!

A few random thoughts questions
Why do they always A down?? Why don't they see what a horrible person that the OW is, that they are being?

Why is H still going to IC?

I have read about how the LBS has to get over our long term addiction and bonding with our spouses. What happened to the WS long term bond with us? How do they just flip the switch?

By far most cheaters affair down. Cheating and destroying one’s family and vows is not a noble path. To affair up would be highly unlikely. I mean who is going to want someone who is a cheater and is actively hurting their children, spouse, friends and family?

Consider the emotional state of a person in crisis. Their cannot handle rejection either. They’re in so much pain, they are running from any and all pressure and looking for the next fix, high, or happiness to distract them. They need someone who is “down” who won’t say no.

My XW was so happy with her new man and family. She proudly told me and kids, that “OM and OM’s son let me get away with whatever I want”. The affair partner’s desperation and neediness and emotional immature allows the mixed up spouse to feel good about themselves. Feel like they have it all together. Just part of their narrative fantasy. And they will find the players they need for the parts of that fantasy. Find new friends. Even new kids to play mommy to. Yet another thing XW is doing. Acting like and referring to herself as OM son’s mom, and him as her son. My kids, her real kids, are not amused.

They don’t see the horrible person the affair partner is because they can’t. Horribleness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

Why H might still be going to IC. He is still living within two (or more) worlds. He is trying to be the good guy, an attempt to show he is working to be better. That, like everything he does, is for himself. He is trying to tell himself something.

Also, he is getting something, some wanted reinforcement from IC. Most IC explores what you bring up. H may not, and likely is not, portraying things as they really are.

It seems like a switched flipped. However, most that leave have been thinking and plotting it for quite some time. They already went through withdrawal. And to that, the person in crisis in emotionally different. They don’t feel towards you.

I filed for D in early Jan., final court date is June 6th. I am feeling like I jumped the gun and filed too fast. I don't know, just feel like this is all moving too fast for me. I don't want a D, I want my M, a new M with my H. I believe that M is for life, better or worse, through good times and bad. Am I a idiot for holding onto that, my vows, my promises to my H and M?

It is wise to maintain your vows. You will know when/if you are ready to let them go.

Divorce is just a piece of paper. It does not exclude or prevent a new marriage or relationship with “new” H. Divorce is just the legal untangling of you two.

I see you believe in M for life, for better or worse. Til death do us part. A divorce does not necessarily break that. You can still hold your values, and let go of H. That is a rare path in our modern world. However, you need not decide today. Discover your beliefs and strengthen those that serve you.


I do see the possibilities with leaving out two wine glasses, or other little things, while maintaining deniability. However, be careful not to stray too far into manipulation. Do for you.

You do not want the responsibility of a possible reconciliation failing, or pushing H away. Him seeing signs may intrigue him, or it may convince him that things are irreparable. Whatever you do, do for you. Let him go and let him walk his path while you walk your’s.

Personally, I do not like the disingenuousness of such appearances. A stray man’s shirt, extra wine glass, all seem geared to stir up jealousy. Is that a worthy tool for crafting reconciliation? Could be, I ain’t ever been reconciled.

In the end, you have to live with yourself and your actions. If the M is restored or a new R is started, that is a bonus. The true path is you and your life. Be sincere. Live in the light.

And I do freely admit I am pretty far to the truth and honour side of things. I’d not want to win W back by sneak or such. I live authentically. If she can’t see it, or doesn’t want it, that’s ok. For I do.

I really need to figure out how to do those quotes.

The syntax of quote is:

[ quote=Username]What you want to quote.[/quote]

Note: There really is no space between “[” and “quote=Username”. I added the space so the site’s html would not create the quote and you could see the syntax. With that extra space removed the quote command is run and you’d get:

What you want to quote.

Your quoted statement from above (with added space so you can see the structure):

[ quote=Stella20]I really need to figure out how to do those quotes.[/quote]

By the way, username is optional. The syntax doesn’t demand it. However, username is useful.


Have a great evening.

D

[kml]

And I do freely admit I am pretty far to the truth and honour side of things. I’d not want to win W back by sneak or such. I live authentically. If she can’t see it, or doesn’t want it, that’s ok. For I do.

Which is better, D? To give her H a chance to realize that the natural consequence of his actions is that he may lose her, and possibly coming to his senses when he thinks she might date other men? Or wait until she has completely moved on and IS dating other men, for him to feel that pain and want to come back but she's already over it and involved with someone new?

I vote that the first is better - to give him a chance, if he feels that, before she has totally moved on. And I don't think being a little vague about where she's going, leaving out some flowers or a couple of nearly empty wine glasses, is dishonest. She's just leaving him wondering. And giving him a little glimpse of what the consequences of his actions might become.

[Stella20]

Thanks DnJ,
You just help me answer my own questions about overthinking and reading to much into his actions. My thoughts on his IC, has always been that he is using the C to justify his actions, create his own narriative, make himself feel like he is doing the right thing, that he is still a good guy, not actually doing any work in IC. Since he has moved out I can see his struggle with trying to be, or think he is a "good person" He as even said to my "I'm still a good person, I just had a A and fell in love. These things happen" So many things wrong with that statement, not even gonna touch it. SMH. - these things don't just happen, married people don't date and keep secrets, good people don't have affairs...OMG..Ughhhh. (ok I will stop with that rant)
This would also explain why he appears to be nicer towards me in his texts over the 2 weeks...God I am such a sucker... Just gotta keep focus on no contact.... and wait to reply...

Kml - I have already planted the seed with H that I have some new friends, that I have been going out with. H asking about the flowers and checking the phone bill for new numbers... have peaked his intrested. How fair that takes him is anyones guess, but I will fight for my M in ever way I can without giving away my cards. I know my old H would not want another man poking around, what this H does, who knows..

DnJ, H knows that I want him and our M, at least thats what I want now. Not sure how much of this sh*t a person can take. Like I said for me M is forever, you don't walk away. I have told him that I am trying to move on, but it is hard. I don't want to trick him back, just want to help push him along a bit. Due to my actions and what I have said and done over the last 8 months, H has still not had the reality that I would walk away. Even after I filed for the D, I continued to tell him I didn't want this, I don't want this. OHH.. I have made so many mistakes by letting him know that I wasn't going anywhere. So maybe this is my form of damage control, with my M on the line it is worth taking the risk. As far as actually moving on, oh god no, that would take me years.

Also I have been talking to the OW"s hubby since this happened in December. OW is not happy with her H that he is talking to me, my H has never mentioned it to me. But I think that OW was under the impression that her H and I were becoming close, too close for her comfort. She actually yelled at him for it. LOL.. Insert evil laugh, let her think what she wants.

[LH19]

Also I have been talking to the OW"s hubby since this happened in December. OW is not happy with her H that he is talking to me, my H has never mentioned it to me. But I think that OW was under the impression that her H and I were becoming close, too close for her comfort. She actually yelled at him for it. LOL.. Insert evil laugh, let her think what she wants.

There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your H back.

How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it. Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes them together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your H back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.

I am also with DNJ regarding getting your H back using manipulation. If it did work which it usually doesn't, it would only be temporary. He has to want to come back for all the right reasons and be willing to do the necessary work. This will take time and space and you letting go.

[Stella20]

Good Morning all,
Random thoughts and venting this morning,

Just reading over all the post and others threads, and I can see what I have been doing. I am / have been trying to control the outcome. Had some light bulb moment... and some information and insight I have gotten from others threads.


I can not control H, his thoughts, his actions, anything with H. H fired me from being his W. OW has his ear now, and his heart, I can not do anything about that.
H is actively rejecting me, he is choosing OW and life with OW. (that hurts)
I need to stop reading into his words and actions, it will not change anything right now. The damage is done, and he has not made any steps towards our M.
I can not nice him back. I need to stop doing anything W related for him. (sending flowers for funeral, etc.)
I can still love and care for him, from a distance. And it is ok to still love him, I do not like what he is doing, but I love the man he was and the life we had. We do not have that anymore and it will never be the same. (hard pill to swallow)
I need to stop hanging onto the idea that MLC H has any of the sane thoughts of right and wrong that old H had. That MLC H is in it deep. All the denial from his statement, " I am still me" He does not see it yet, possible never will. He believes his own lies. He is not himself, I see that, H does not see it. I can not make him see it. This makes me doubt my thoughts and what I know to be true. I see the truth from the past 21 years together, from pictures, cards, actions, beatiful declarations of love that he would post on my FB, that pop up daily in my FB memories.
MLC H is broken, I can not fix him, my love can not fix him.

I hope, someday, that my H will come out of this, that he will see that our M, we are worth it. That we had it all, together. That we can rebuild us and be stronger. That he will face his demons, and heal what he does not see as broken right now.

I do not feel strong today, I feel defeated. There is no escape from the sadness, the pain,the anger, the disgust, the facts of what is happening. There is no making sense of this, it is senseless, there is no logic, no clear thought process. There is just being, being alive, living moment to moment. Trying to come to terms with this, all of this Sh*t of H's doing.

He is really living in the past. Since my back injury a few years ago I can not bowl anymore. H and I use to bowl together alot, I was pretty good for a girl. H is a awesome bowler and took pride and teaching me. Now he bowls everything that we use to bowl with OW. For a few years he did not care to go to all of the tournaments, well that changed and he is back on the circuit like he was in his 20's.

Oh, I hate all of this, feeling lost today. Dosen't help I have been cooped up healing. Going to try and make it out to dinner with family tonight, even if its only for a few hours.
Thanks for listening
S