I have looked at myself for all of this. Our life had become routine and boring since the start of covid.. no vacation planning, being stuck at home etc. I had been getting up at 4 am for 20 years to go to work. So I would go to bed 2 hours before H, this put a damper on our sex life, but we were still active weekly. H would tuck me in ever night...ever night.... Not exciting newness but still active. I felt like I only had the weekends to get the house cleaned and laundry done so I didn't got to his bowling tournaments as much as I did in the past. But the love and affection IMO, never diminshed, until his A/MLC. I know that I became comfortable, complaciant. I can see where I dropped the ball. Took our M and H for granted, I thought we would always be together, never imagined we would be in this place. Hind sight is 20/20. I let such unimportant stuff take away from spending quality time with H. Just got lazy.
This is very common. People from happy healthy families can see and understand this and work through the problems. People who don't typically slip up and take the easy way out.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Control, yes... My life was planned out, knew where it was heading. Now I feel lost, with no sense of direction. I do not like the unknown, I want a plan, I want to know where I am going. Now I have fear, fear of the unknown future.
Most people will choose a bad situation over the unknown. Kind of crazy when you think about it. BTW I was the same way.
What can restore that sense of control?
1) Set goals for yourself and hit them. (Get in shape, do an improvement project around the house, learn to play an instrument)
2) Interact with others. Volunteer, join a club, a little positive validation from other humans will do wonders
3) Talk to a therapist or a DB coach. You have a lot of feelings to work through, keep walking the road.
The number one challenge people have on DB is that they WANT to pursue because they want their control back, so despite knowing they shouldn't, they invent viable excuses to justify it to themselves and then do it anyway.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Going the other way is the *only* thing that may effect a man like that.
I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
In that case, they have to spend zero time focused on getting away with you and can right away shift into wondering where you've gone. That's what you want.
