Steve, The past is important. It is often an indicator of what is to come.
Your choices are your own but I think this conversation between you and LH is good. You both often say the same thing towards newcomers just from different lenses. I encourage you to not ignore each others posts because in all honesty - it ain't about either of you. It's about helping these folks! We never know which post, which perspective, or which debate could be the one that helps heartbroken people find answers to their questions, appropriate anger to make the hard decision, the inkling of self worth to continue fighting. If us vets can't challenge/squabbling with each other and take the heat in the hot chair - how can we expect these newbies to do it when we blast them with 2x4s?
Also - I don't disagree with LH that you do bring up the point that a PA is a deal breaker for you often. I am not trying to say that you intentionally shame anyone but I am curious to know why you bring it up. Knowing that 98% of the people on this board was cheated on and 100% of them came here willing to adjust that boundary to save their family - how does adding that piece of info serve them in their current journey? Could you see how it might provoke shame in them?
These are honest questions.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Traveler, I believe in a high power that had a lot to do with. His plan was, for whatever reason, for her and I to not go all the way with the EAs. I do think LH is right that EAs are PAs waiting to happen. But sometimes, eventually, they fade out before getting to that point. The struggle for me is that I interrupted both of hers. Mine fizzled out naturally before the PA stage. Would hers have? Or would they have ended up in a PA? Only that higher power knows!
But yes, I does help me relate. That mine ended without being interrupted is the big differentiator, and why I still sometimes struggle with the "what if" if I hadn't caught her in the EA stage. .
Speaking of hot seat and 2x4s - here's mine for you... lol
Get off your high horse Steve. Your ability to stop your EA on your own doesn't make you better than your wife and any time you get angry or wonder "what if" - you seriously need to give yourself a swift kick in the pants and tell your ego to calm down.
If you wanted to see if she would have "chose you on her own" - you should have STFU and let her continue on her journey to see what she chose. YOU stepped in and exposed the relationship. If you want to doubt and be mad - be mad are yourself. It was after all...your decision to get involved.
The facts are you both betrayed the marriage with EAs. You both chose to work it out and chose to stay married. Sounds pretty equal to me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
