My Story P4...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[Elbereth]

Eagle,

I hear you about wanting to avoid conflict. I am very much the same way. What has been hard to learn and deal with is realizing that conflict cannot always be avoided. In fact, most of the conflict in my MR was because I was starting to realize he was treating me so badly, that I was trying to have better boundaries, that he was gaslighting me, and my H didn’t like the boundaries or that my eyes were becoming open. Of course he didn’t. Because that meant he might have to work on his own issues instead of putting them or the blame on me. My boundaries called him out on his behaviors or put road blocks on his unhealthy actions towards me.

I've been thinking a lot last night and would like to say the following to him during our walk today:
We're both naive like you said. (He said himself last week when he said I tricked him into making him come back and have different expectations than him)
We tell ourselves something, both being with different meanings. And we have to stop that. We live too much in the past, while we are both already preoccupied with our future. That's not compatible. Doing all those activities together, that is not possible today. We both need to process and heal, each of us in our own way. Our first priority together is the well-being of the children. That is the only thing that we should focus, the rest we have to do ourselves separately.

This statement shows the love you still have for him. So much. You want to be fair, have no conflict, be loving and supportive, and have a positive relationship especially for the kids. You are even taking some of the blame. It’s so admirable. It really is. But the hard truth is that what YOU want really doesn’t matter to him. There is no WE anymore. And it’s not your fault. You did the right things and tried. He left you. He’s leaving you. Why are you sharing in that ‘blame’ for what he didn’t do? I know it feels harsh and against your normal way, but LH19 is right, you need to stick to the I statements and “I” mindset. You can still do all the things you feel you need to do that allow yourself to heal, not get in the way of his healing, and work well together to ensure the kids are supported. But you are going to have to do it alone. And you have to do it for yourself regardless of what he does. You can’t control or influence what he does. All you can do is come to the table ready with your ‘part’ and hope he does the same. And your words also need to not include “we” or “us”, otherwise you are still trying to control what you can’t control. All you can say is what you plan to do or what expectations you have. There is no agreement to make. He already disregarded the agreement of your marriage. What makes you think you can make another one with someone with this mindset?

The ugly truth is that once you establish boundaries and show that you are no longer emotionally available to them (to lean on or manipulate), there will most likely be conflict. They are used to us putting their needs first, or caring what they want, or whatever. They will either fight back to keep things the way they were (that benefited them), or they will move on and get it from someone else. But if what they want is not emotionally healthy as a partner, it’s okay that they go get it elsewhere…because it is never going to be good enough for us in this current situation. Dropping the rope is another boundary of sorts. You are pretty much showing in your actions that you are no longer there for them. In all ways. In all ways except the bare minimum of business needed to support your kids. There will be conflict. Expect it. At least at first. Try to remember that this connection that you are holding onto right now is not one you want. It feels familiar, and it holds history, and there is still so much love in it in your heart. But its not something real. It’s not a connection with someone who loves you and cares about your needs. It’s a connection with someone that has shown you by their actions that they care only about their own needs. And that they want someone else. You and I deserve better.

I get it. I just saw my ex a bit ago for the first time in a long time and it wrecked me for days. It’s so hard for me to be business-like towards him. It really is. I am so loving and I still love the Orig-H. But I also realize that I made the effort to reconcile, I tried to understand him even after he destroyed me and my life, I tried to show compassion towards his past, I tried, I tried, I tried. And he still chose the OW. Now I’ve put myself and my needs first. I need to heal. I need to grow. I need to find someone who wants to have a full “liberated love” relationship as Mark Groves calls it. I’m tired of being in relationships that are one-sided. I want to be with someone who is committed to doing the work to build a solid two-way safe relationship. In my situation, let the OW have my XH. She isn’t getting a prize. She is getting a very selfish and damaged man with no integrity. And I won’t want him back unless he does some serious work on and for himself.

I know none of this is easy. It will get easier when he’s out of the house. But again, until then, just start pulling away. You don’t need to give explanations. You already said them before. You don’t need to be explicit. And really, you do not need to defend your actions. He is leaving you for another woman. Why should you have to say why you don’t want to play cards with him? You don’t need to explain to anyone why you are putting your focus on yourself.

Hugs to you…

El