Thank you all so much for your input. This had been very valuable to me.
However, I know my MLCH very well.
If you don't say it clearly, he won't understand at all why I want to stop playing happy family. I'll have to clarify. He will be home at various times in the coming weeks and I will have to be able to deal with that. I've been thinking a lot last night and would like to say the following to him during our walk today: We're both naive like you said. (He said himself last week when he said I tricked him into making him come back and have different expectations than him) We tell ourselves something, both being with different meanings. And we have to stop that. We live too much in the past, while we are both already preoccupied with our future. That's not compatible. Doing all those activities together, that is not possible today. We both need to process and heal, each of us in our own way. Our first priority together is the well-being of the children. That is the only thing that we should focus, the rest we have to do ourselves separately.
El gave you great advice and IMO you should model her behavior.
I read your last post three times and the only thing I get out of it is that you are still trying to control him. If you are going to have this cake walk then only focus on what you can control. Use only “I”. I won’t be doing these activities anymore. I need to process everything and heal. My first priority is the welfare of the children. That is the only thing I am focusing right now.
And I'm aware of the fact that this is great advice because I have done the same thing for the past year while he lived abroad and this worked really well for me as well.
The huge difference is the actual situation. I have let him come home, turns out I've made a mistake here and got sucked back in, so it is not easy to turn the situation again.
Please understand that there is a huge difference in an @home MLC'er and above all a clinging boomerang, the moment I'll be on my on again I have much more strength to draw the line where I want it to be. Unfortunately this will only be possible when he will be gone. Do not forget we are having 3 children under the same roof, I want it to end as smooth as possible, and avoid as much drama as possible. Very difficult with a manipulative MLC'er who wants to keep his "old" family close.
Your wording about I'm still wanting to control him and having a cake walk is quite harsh TBH. But you can share your view on the situation. I don't want to control him, I want to get out of this situation in the most peaceful way as possible, although I'm aware that this will be difficult to achieve. This is unfortunately my nature, I hate conflict...and that is why I try to find some answers here, and I surely did.
I’m sorry you think my comments were harsh but my advice is always direct and to the point as I see it. If I hit a nerve it might be best to analyze why that is. You can certainly have the talk agin about what you both need to do but I hope you just understand he has been and will continue to do what he wants moving forward. I understand you have children under the same roof; I have two. My ex and I are able to coparent pretty well keeping it strictly business.
Maybe some work for you in the future is to understand why you hate conflict so much and to understand that sometimes you need to stand your ground on difficult matters.
Believe me when I tell you I know this isn’t easy.
No worries LH, you didn't hit a nerve. I also say what I think and I thought this was harsh, don't seek anything more into it.
I do know why I hate conflict. I know myself quite well. I hate conflict because my parents didn't have a healthy relationship, and still don't although they are still together. In particular my M blames my F for the mistakes he made in the past (not being a present F and H), and she is doing that for years already. My F has changed enormously the past 15 years and has done a lot for us and the grandchildren and she is kind of jealous because we all have a good R with him. She feels he doesn't deserve that for not being there in the past.
My M however was a fantastic M, couldn't have a better one, but unfortunately became a bitter woman with and alcohol problem the past years due to that.
It is what it is and I can't change that, as this is out of my control.
I however have worked on this already a lot but I'm still not there, so yes, I still try to avoid conflicts.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you are not living with your EXW anymore under one roof I assume?
Oh god no I would rather play with rats then live with my exw lol. Though we did live under the same roof for almost a year and a half after she filed.
Sounds like my parents though at 83 my mom recently got over it.
Forgiveness is the most important thing in a long term marriage IMO but it sounds like your mom could never get there. Resentment is a marriage killer.
I hear you about wanting to avoid conflict. I am very much the same way. What has been hard to learn and deal with is realizing that conflict cannot always be avoided. In fact, most of the conflict in my MR was because I was starting to realize he was treating me so badly, that I was trying to have better boundaries, that he was gaslighting me, and my H didn’t like the boundaries or that my eyes were becoming open. Of course he didn’t. Because that meant he might have to work on his own issues instead of putting them or the blame on me. My boundaries called him out on his behaviors or put road blocks on his unhealthy actions towards me.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
I've been thinking a lot last night and would like to say the following to him during our walk today: We're both naive like you said. (He said himself last week when he said I tricked him into making him come back and have different expectations than him) We tell ourselves something, both being with different meanings. And we have to stop that. We live too much in the past, while we are both already preoccupied with our future. That's not compatible. Doing all those activities together, that is not possible today. We both need to process and heal, each of us in our own way. Our first priority together is the well-being of the children. That is the only thing that we should focus, the rest we have to do ourselves separately.
This statement shows the love you still have for him. So much. You want to be fair, have no conflict, be loving and supportive, and have a positive relationship especially for the kids. You are even taking some of the blame. It’s so admirable. It really is. But the hard truth is that what YOU want really doesn’t matter to him. There is no WE anymore. And it’s not your fault. You did the right things and tried. He left you. He’s leaving you. Why are you sharing in that ‘blame’ for what he didn’t do? I know it feels harsh and against your normal way, but LH19 is right, you need to stick to the I statements and “I” mindset. You can still do all the things you feel you need to do that allow yourself to heal, not get in the way of his healing, and work well together to ensure the kids are supported. But you are going to have to do it alone. And you have to do it for yourself regardless of what he does. You can’t control or influence what he does. All you can do is come to the table ready with your ‘part’ and hope he does the same. And your words also need to not include “we” or “us”, otherwise you are still trying to control what you can’t control. All you can say is what you plan to do or what expectations you have. There is no agreement to make. He already disregarded the agreement of your marriage. What makes you think you can make another one with someone with this mindset?
The ugly truth is that once you establish boundaries and show that you are no longer emotionally available to them (to lean on or manipulate), there will most likely be conflict. They are used to us putting their needs first, or caring what they want, or whatever. They will either fight back to keep things the way they were (that benefited them), or they will move on and get it from someone else. But if what they want is not emotionally healthy as a partner, it’s okay that they go get it elsewhere…because it is never going to be good enough for us in this current situation. Dropping the rope is another boundary of sorts. You are pretty much showing in your actions that you are no longer there for them. In all ways. In all ways except the bare minimum of business needed to support your kids. There will be conflict. Expect it. At least at first. Try to remember that this connection that you are holding onto right now is not one you want. It feels familiar, and it holds history, and there is still so much love in it in your heart. But its not something real. It’s not a connection with someone who loves you and cares about your needs. It’s a connection with someone that has shown you by their actions that they care only about their own needs. And that they want someone else. You and I deserve better.
I get it. I just saw my ex a bit ago for the first time in a long time and it wrecked me for days. It’s so hard for me to be business-like towards him. It really is. I am so loving and I still love the Orig-H. But I also realize that I made the effort to reconcile, I tried to understand him even after he destroyed me and my life, I tried to show compassion towards his past, I tried, I tried, I tried. And he still chose the OW. Now I’ve put myself and my needs first. I need to heal. I need to grow. I need to find someone who wants to have a full “liberated love” relationship as Mark Groves calls it. I’m tired of being in relationships that are one-sided. I want to be with someone who is committed to doing the work to build a solid two-way safe relationship. In my situation, let the OW have my XH. She isn’t getting a prize. She is getting a very selfish and damaged man with no integrity. And I won’t want him back unless he does some serious work on and for himself.
I know none of this is easy. It will get easier when he’s out of the house. But again, until then, just start pulling away. You don’t need to give explanations. You already said them before. You don’t need to be explicit. And really, you do not need to defend your actions. He is leaving you for another woman. Why should you have to say why you don’t want to play cards with him? You don’t need to explain to anyone why you are putting your focus on yourself.
Hugs to you…
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
LH19, it doesn't bring me any joy to be 'spot on'. All of this [censored]. It really does. This experience (that I am still experiencing) has been the most heartbreaking and difficult experience of my life. I'm only passing on the knowledge that others gave to me...here on this forum (just read my thread). And books, and blogs, and other places. The only positive is any suggestion by others on here that I am 'spot on' shows that everyone's advice has finally sunk in for me, and I am on my way towards healing and growing.
Just like me, Eagle will take these suggested steps when she is comfortable and ready.
Eagle, you have to be ready to let go and drop the rope. It's very hard. And it hurts. And I'm sorry if my posts sound harsh too. I know that I felt that way when others pointed out things to me. Truth is, when it hits a nerve, it means that there is something there to dig deeper into. But I'm also very blunt as a person, so if I was too blunt, I apologize.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
You were definitely not too blunt and I really appreciate you all passing over your knowledge.
I truly needed this.
I’m definitely ready to let go, Somehow I knew the turning point would be near. It has been an extremely challenging and very difficult day so not much strength anymore to write my story of today but MLC H was a crazy monster again, just like two weeks ago, I have n ver seen such anger and rage in a person, this needs to stop. I’ve told him he needs to leave tomorrow. I won’t deal with this alien anymore. He crossed a huge line today.
