I let go XW like the stranger she is. Realized how my friends treat me. And realized that her treatment is not in harmony with friendship or my values. I detached, became indifferent, embraced compassion and kindness, went through withdrawal, let go fear, let go ego, let go binary yes/no, true/false ideology, organized my beliefs and convictions, and stand for me.
Somewhere, letting go of J happened. XW, much like MLC H, was relatively easy to let go of. Of course, I didn’t recognize nor see that clearly while embroiled in it. XW is a stranger. J is the person I was hanging on to. And that was more a memory, a lost future, than the actual woman.
Letting go of our “stranger” spouse, influences us. Allows us to release our hold. My wife was long gone, it was I who just wouldn’t let go. And yes at the time I felt it was “I couldn’t let go”. I had to let go of that too.
Seeing my H as two separate versions like DnJ states above has helped me a lot. There is the H I fell in love with (Orig-H), and then there is this guy (MLC-H). I see him and it’s hard because he looks like that Orig-H guy. He even sounds like him when he talks and laughs. But, his actions show he is not Orig-H.
Trust me, I’ve struggled in similar ways to wrap my head around how to be supportive, but not his friend. I also told him that if he is with OW there is no us and that I would not be his friend. It certainly got easier after he moved out and in with the OW and we were no longer forced to ‘play house’. Now, I’m not rude, I don’t act dramatic, I’m not moody with him. But I also do not say or respond to any more than I need to in regards to us and the kids. I avoid cracking jokes, asking how he is doing, etc. I keep it as much business as I can without being too friendly. He tries. He sees the distance. Just last night he told me to have a great week and that some of my work he saw on the company website looked really great. But this is all manipulation. He is living with the OW and he ignored me and my work for a very long time (it was even something I asked about when things were bad just before the bomb drop). MLC-H only cares about himself. He has made that very clear….so saying some nice things and pretending no longer works. But I digress. I just didn’t answer his text when I saw that. But then today I had to contact him about something and we texted back and forth for a bit about ‘strictly business”. But I didn’t say “hey thanks for the compliment”.
Yes, the MLC letting go is truly dropping the rope. You show you are not an enemy but you certainly are not their friend or making them your priority. It might help to focus on his decisions instead of ‘what if he crashes again’. If he is making real effort to come back, then you can also draw him closer with care. But as long as he is wanting to leave and go with the OW, he is telling you that you are not what he wants. Let him go. There is no us (Eagle/H/OW). There is Eagle. And there is your H and OW. He made his choice. Don’t be his second choice. Of course he wants to know you would be there for him if this thing with the OW fails. But don’t let him know that, even if you choose to stand in your heart. Let him think he’s lost you and you are done trying. It is really the only way that MLC-H will be able to find his own way to you, or away from you. It’s fully his choice. You are not influencing it. But you are telling him you are not okay with being second choice…
Lastly, you say “I’m not sure what he might do”. I’m not sure if you are worried he may harm himself. I felt this fear in my situation as well. As my H did harm himself after his XW and his XGF both cheated on him. He failed and lived. Obviously. But, as scared as I am about that idea, I have no control over it. And neither do you. I also had a boyfriend who caused me a lot of emotional harm based on trying to control me with threats of harming himself. I had to seek counseling based on the mental trauma. The therapist is right. You can’t stop them if they decide to do that. It can be a control thing. In my mind if my H was strong enough to completely, knowingly destroy the life and the heart of the person he knew loved him more than anything on this earth, he has the strength to keep his ‘self’ alive. Because he has proved that HE is the only person he truly cares about. They are right. He fired you. You no longer have say in his decisions…good or bad. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want you for the job. Lastly on this…I am not trying to disregard the seriousness of your XH possibly harming himself, but I would think if your concerns are valid, professional help is needed.
I know this is painfully hard. And I may sound sure in my thoughts here but I am still learning and grieving my way through it. I am not as far along as others, and all of this is still fresh for me. But I am beginning to get to the point of where I was advised to be, and that is letting go of the rope. I’m deep in that stage now. It hurts. I didn’t want any of this. But I am realizing that my Orig-H is gone. And I deserve to be someone’s number one, not leftovers.
I know living together complicates things. But you can pull away bit by bit now and more fully when he leaves. Stop playing cards and having fun. Sure, eat dinner together and talk, but take time away in your room, go out, be as unavailable as you can. Act casual about it like you are just into doing other things. Don’t ask him how he’s feeling or respond much to his personal insights. It’s a process. It’s not going to change in one day. Be okay pulling away…
Lots of hugs and love…
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
