My Story P4...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[LH19]

Eagle,

You don't show him you let him go, you let him go. It's the only way. This friendship you are trying to form is not a true friendship it is manipulation. I know it is really hard but there is no other way. He has made it clear he is going to OW and you have made it clear that it doesn't work for you. Nothing else to say.

Breakups are hard because our identity becomes wrapped up in who we are as a person in the relationship. When that person is gone from our lives, we often feel like we don’t know who we are anymore, because so much of our life revolves around being in a relationship that no longer exists. It takes time to heal and rebuild your life to get back to a place where you love and enjoy your time being single and learning to have fun again. It often takes several years of being single, learning from your past and enjoying your life before you are truly ready for a new love story to happen. Give yourself permission to be a beginner again and create who you are and who you want to become. Life is a process of constant re-creation.

[Eagle3]

Dear LH,

Thank you for your opinion on letting go. I fully understand your first sentence.
I don't have to show it, I simply have to do it.

I however have my doubts about the second sentence.
That I can't show him friendship, kindness and compassion whilst letting go.
He might manipulate his form of friendship towards me but I don't have control of that and I won't copy his behavior.

He has not made it clear either if he is going to OW. Perhaps he will open up in the coming days but until now he states he is going on his own to this retreat. I'm well aware of the fact that he could be lying again. But yet again, that is out of my control.

If he is honest about the fact that he goes to OW however,
I will then state indeed that I can't be his friend whilst in another R, that this doesn't work for me.

And this is the truth, I can't handle this yet. Is it OK to tell him that?

From my point of view the most important items to let go are:

1/ not to stop caring, it simply means I can’t do it for someone else
2/ not to care for, but to care about
3/ not to fix, but to be supportive
4/ not to judge,but to allow another to be a human being
5/ not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality
6/ to fear less and love more

Beautiful words but unfortunately not always easy to apply this in real life...although I believe that is what I've been trying to do the past year already as much as possible.

I may be wrong so any input is welcome because I really struggle with this.
To the people who know my story a bit, how would you handle the letting go part, or how did you handle this in the past? Thank you

[LH19]

He is leaving for his week skiing this evening, and came in my room last night to cuddle, to sleep by my side, to tell me he will leave again afterwards to be with OW2 but he is not sure she still wants him.

This was straight out of your thread.

Thank you for your opinion on letting go. I fully understand your first sentence.
I don't have to show it, I simply have to do it.

Easy to understand harder to do.

I however have my doubts about the second sentence.
That I can't show him friendship, kindness and compassion whilst letting go.
He might manipulate his form of friendship towards me but I don't have control of that and I won't copy his behavior.

But if I am hearing you correctly this is all based on him not being with OW. That is based on manipulation and control. That is like one kid saying to another "I won't be friends with you if you are friends with her". If you want to be friends and show kindness and compassion there shouldn't be any conditions.

He has not made it clear either if he is going to OW.

Again I am only going by what you said earlier in your thread.

If he is honest about the fact that he goes to OW however,
I will then state indeed that I can't be his friend whilst in another R, that this doesn't work for me.

So it sounds like you are setting a boundary? What are the consequences to a broken boundary?

And this is the truth, I can't handle this yet. Is it OK to tell him that?

I would only do it if you intend to follow through.
From my point of view the most important items to let go are:

1/ not to stop caring, it simply means I can’t do it for someone else
2/ not to care for, but to care about
3/ not to fix, but to be supportive
4/ not to judge,but to allow another to be a human being
5/ not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality
6/ to fear less and love more

Beautiful words but unfortunately not always easy to apply this in real life...although I believe that is what I've been trying to do the past year already as much as possible.

So the question becomes has this gotten you closer to your goal or further away from your goal?

I may be wrong so any input is welcome because I really struggle with this.
To the people who know my story a bit, how would you handle the letting go part, or how did you handle this in the past? Thank you

Eagle I know it is hard to accept but the fact is you are divorced now and you need to move forward with your life. It's up to you if you want to remain friends. IMO you need time to heal first. The ride is just beginning. He won't be done with you for a long time, nor will you be done with him. Since you have a kids together you will be intermeshed forever. Give it some time.

[Eagle3]

But if I am hearing you correctly this is all based on him not being with OW. That is based on manipulation and control. That is like one kid saying to another "I won't be friends with you if you are friends with her". If you want to be friends and show kindness and compassion there shouldn't be any conditions.

If I read your reply it makes it even more clear how much I struggle with this, definitely with the above.
If I understand well, I have to let him go in full, so not being his friend, only interaction in regards to our children and to be able to heal first? I’m clearly not over the fact about him being with an OW. and on the other hand I want to be there for him. Very confusing, I know…just venting now…

Mlc H has asked to talk tomorrow. I really don’t know what to say if he will start talking about OW2.

[LH19]

Mlc H has asked to talk tomorrow. I really don’t know what to say if he will start talking about OW2.

I would say "Go be with her. I wish you all the best" then go out and get a facial, nails done etc.

Eagle what does "I want to be there for him" mean to you?

[Eagle3]

Eagle what does "I want to be there for him" mean to you?

He lives it up for a while, thinks he’s found his happiness, doesn’t last of course, then he’ll crash again, like he has been doing for the past 3 years.

And each time I’m there to pick him up because I’m afraid of what he might do. I listen, I validate, and eventually I get sucked in it again.

Maybe I don’t want to do that anymore, but it’s stronger than myself not to.

That’s the part I guess where I can’t seem to let go? Why is that?

I’m sorry if my posts today seem to be confusing, it’s because I am. Not feeling bad, only confused.

[LH19]

So have you ever thought what would happen if you weren’t there to pick him up when he falls? Have you thought about how long you want to put your life on hold? Have you thought about what this doing to your well being and self esteem?

You know what happened for me to finally let my ex go? I finally realized she didn’t give a fuch about anyones feelings but herself? Sound familiar? MLC or no MLC they are adults responsible for their decisions. He knows what he is doing to you and your children. Don’t think for a second he doesn’t.

[Ginger1]

Eagle, only you know how many times you can feel responsible to put him back together after he breaks himself and hurts you. Do you think picking up his pieces is getting you closer or farther from your goal.

None of us are responsible for putting another human back together . Even in diagnosed mental illnesses. Or alcoholism. Or any addictions. We can’t put others back together. They have to do it themselves .

Only you will know when you have had enough of this.

[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

You have walked a fine path. It is wonderful to see you moving forward with very few regrets.

One question for which I don't seem to find an answer.
You should know that I'm actually not mad or bitter at him at all anymore. I am fully understanding his "Illness" and can be his friend today. And so I do. We did laugh, talk and had fun in many ways the past weeks with some exceptions.
(I won't tolerate bad behavior of course like what happened two weeks ago. That is why we are moving forward again, to not have these situations anymore.)

But I assume this is contradictory to letting go?

F.e. What if he goes back to OW2? Do I have to warn him again beforehand that if he goes back to her I won't be there for him? And then again provoke a reaction that I really don't need anymore. Do I want to know he is going back to OW2? Is it important for me to know?

Letting go is displayed both in emotions and physical actions. And like you well know, one only directly controls their thoughts and actions; emotions are influenced by thoughts and actions.

Laughing, talking, and having fun is contradictory to letting go. Those actions reinforce attachment.

G demonstrated positive progress. He made progress. Both lived under the same roof again. Of course, you got attached again. However, his path is his. And he appears to need to journey not along side you. That, is why you let go. As you said, not spiteful, not hateful, not bitter, not mad, you need to let go so he can progress on his journey.

That is my letting go of XW. It’s absolutely my choice, and not what I wanted. I think you will understand such a counterintuitive view. It will at first feel wrong, and in the end is not. Forgivingly letting go.

As for OW2. No warning needed. No information needed. Just let go. He is going in a direction you are not. Let go and give him to God.

I'm divorced, the house will be sold, the only connection we will still have are the children.
And at the end, now he is finally allowed to do whatever he wants, I don't have to agree with that but I can't say anymore that he is having an affair.

Yes, that is true. Stick to just parenting and kids’ stuff.

If he is honest about the fact that he goes to OW however, I will then state indeed that I can't be his friend whilst in another R, that this doesn't work for me.

And this is the truth, I can't handle this yet. Is it OK to tell him that?

You have told him before. No need to harp or repeat. H knows. And he is driven to, or is choosing to, look to another R. You have no need to get wrapped up in those emotions again. Let go.

From my point of view the most important items to let go are:

1/ not to stop caring, it simply means I can’t do it for someone else
2/ not to care for, but to care about
3/ not to fix, but to be supportive
4/ not to judge,but to allow another to be a human being
5/ not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality
6/ to fear less and love more

Letting go is allowing H to do what he will. It is finding peace within your emotional self regarding that. There is a lot of compassion in such a things. And realize compassion has quite a component of indifference to it. Compassionate indifference doesn’t mean one doesn’t care, it means one is compassionate and caring without being attached and dragged around.

From your list, a few items to consider:

Remove number 3. Yes, you cannot fix him. However, you are not his support person. He choose someone else. My XW fired me as husband. Fired me from the role, duty, and honour of supporting her. She choose and hired OM. I let go, and stay out of it. And by the way, if she ever wanted to hire me back, it is not a guarantee I would accept. I’ve let go. I’d need to see if I wanted to grab on again.

Number 6. Fear less. Love more. That is for you!! Nothing to do with H or specifically regarding H. Focus upon you and kids.

And each time I’m there to pick him up because I’m afraid of what he might do. I listen, I validate, and eventually I get sucked in it again.

Maybe I don’t want to do that anymore, but it’s stronger than myself not to.

That’s the part I guess where I can’t seem to let go? Why is that?

Why is that? Because your subconscious self is pulling in a different direction. Utilize your directly controllable conscious mental assertiveness to influence your subconscious responses, your beliefs.

To that end: Your mind is listening and making what you say and think a reality.

“And each time I’m there to pick him up because I’m afraid of what he might do.” Fear less my friend. Do not let fear rule your actions and life. Letting go includes letting go of fear (and ego although you seem to have that one well in hand).

“Maybe I don’t want to do that anymore, but it’s stronger than myself not to.” Strike out “maybe”. And you are justifying with the word “but”. Eagle, you are stronger! Stop saying you are not.

Updated and modified: I don’t want to do that anymore.

“That’s the part I guess where I can’t seem to let go?” You are telling your mind to make it impossible. This is not “can’t”; it is “won’t”.

That’s the part I guess where I won’t seem to let go. “Won’t”, places you in control.

Is showing that you let go in a form of friendship also possible?

No, not really.

I’ve let go XW. Forgiven, care, have compassion, etc. And we are not friends. My friends do not treat me that way!

For what it’s worth, I think you are looking at things in a binary manner. Either I’m a friend or an enemy. It’s neither.

MLC H is an alien. He looks like H. Yet he is basically a stranger - treat him like such. Be kind and compassionate and forgiving as you would to any stranger. Not friends doesn’t make you enemies. As much as not enemies doesn’t make you friends.

You can easily let go of a stranger. Your list of important items for letting go speak to this very thing. To generally care about (not for), to see them as their own person with their own desires, to let them face their reality - benefits and consequences.

how did you handle this in the past?

I do understand the struggle you are waging. Your questions are excellent and provoking growth.

I let go XW like the stranger she is. Realized how my friends treat me. And realized that her treatment is not in harmony with friendship or my values. I detached, became indifferent, embraced compassion and kindness, went through withdrawal, let go fear, let go ego, let go binary yes/no, true/false ideology, organized my beliefs and convictions, and stand for me.

Somewhere, letting go of J happened. XW, much like MLC H, was relatively easy to let go of. Of course, I didn’t recognize nor see that clearly while embroiled in it. XW is a stranger. J is the person I was hanging on to. And that was more a memory, a lost future, than the actual woman.

Letting go of our “stranger” spouse, influences us. Allows us to release our hold. My wife was long gone, it was I who just wouldn’t let go. And yes at the time I felt it was “I couldn’t let go”. I had to let go of that too.

How I handled it, is like I said so long ago. We all need a certain level of understanding before we can let go. Rationalize and influence. Maintain noble headings and directions. Find acceptance and forgiveness. In the end, I found I have much more in letting go than I ever did while hanging on.

D

[Elbereth]

I let go XW like the stranger she is. Realized how my friends treat me. And realized that her treatment is not in harmony with friendship or my values. I detached, became indifferent, embraced compassion and kindness, went through withdrawal, let go fear, let go ego, let go binary yes/no, true/false ideology, organized my beliefs and convictions, and stand for me.

Somewhere, letting go of J happened. XW, much like MLC H, was relatively easy to let go of. Of course, I didn’t recognize nor see that clearly while embroiled in it. XW is a stranger. J is the person I was hanging on to. And that was more a memory, a lost future, than the actual woman.

Letting go of our “stranger” spouse, influences us. Allows us to release our hold. My wife was long gone, it was I who just wouldn’t let go. And yes at the time I felt it was “I couldn’t let go”. I had to let go of that too.

Seeing my H as two separate versions like DnJ states above has helped me a lot. There is the H I fell in love with (Orig-H), and then there is this guy (MLC-H). I see him and it’s hard because he looks like that Orig-H guy. He even sounds like him when he talks and laughs. But, his actions show he is not Orig-H.

Trust me, I’ve struggled in similar ways to wrap my head around how to be supportive, but not his friend. I also told him that if he is with OW there is no us and that I would not be his friend. It certainly got easier after he moved out and in with the OW and we were no longer forced to ‘play house’. Now, I’m not rude, I don’t act dramatic, I’m not moody with him. But I also do not say or respond to any more than I need to in regards to us and the kids. I avoid cracking jokes, asking how he is doing, etc. I keep it as much business as I can without being too friendly. He tries. He sees the distance. Just last night he told me to have a great week and that some of my work he saw on the company website looked really great. But this is all manipulation. He is living with the OW and he ignored me and my work for a very long time (it was even something I asked about when things were bad just before the bomb drop). MLC-H only cares about himself. He has made that very clear….so saying some nice things and pretending no longer works. But I digress. I just didn’t answer his text when I saw that. But then today I had to contact him about something and we texted back and forth for a bit about ‘strictly business”. But I didn’t say “hey thanks for the compliment”.

Yes, the MLC letting go is truly dropping the rope. You show you are not an enemy but you certainly are not their friend or making them your priority. It might help to focus on his decisions instead of ‘what if he crashes again’. If he is making real effort to come back, then you can also draw him closer with care. But as long as he is wanting to leave and go with the OW, he is telling you that you are not what he wants. Let him go. There is no us (Eagle/H/OW). There is Eagle. And there is your H and OW. He made his choice. Don’t be his second choice. Of course he wants to know you would be there for him if this thing with the OW fails. But don’t let him know that, even if you choose to stand in your heart. Let him think he’s lost you and you are done trying. It is really the only way that MLC-H will be able to find his own way to you, or away from you. It’s fully his choice. You are not influencing it. But you are telling him you are not okay with being second choice…

Lastly, you say “I’m not sure what he might do”. I’m not sure if you are worried he may harm himself. I felt this fear in my situation as well. As my H did harm himself after his XW and his XGF both cheated on him. He failed and lived. Obviously. But, as scared as I am about that idea, I have no control over it. And neither do you. I also had a boyfriend who caused me a lot of emotional harm based on trying to control me with threats of harming himself. I had to seek counseling based on the mental trauma. The therapist is right. You can’t stop them if they decide to do that. It can be a control thing. In my mind if my H was strong enough to completely, knowingly destroy the life and the heart of the person he knew loved him more than anything on this earth, he has the strength to keep his ‘self’ alive. Because he has proved that HE is the only person he truly cares about. They are right. He fired you. You no longer have say in his decisions…good or bad. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want you for the job. Lastly on this…I am not trying to disregard the seriousness of your XH possibly harming himself, but I would think if your concerns are valid, professional help is needed.

I know this is painfully hard. And I may sound sure in my thoughts here but I am still learning and grieving my way through it. I am not as far along as others, and all of this is still fresh for me. But I am beginning to get to the point of where I was advised to be, and that is letting go of the rope. I’m deep in that stage now. It hurts. I didn’t want any of this. But I am realizing that my Orig-H is gone. And I deserve to be someone’s number one, not leftovers.

I know living together complicates things. But you can pull away bit by bit now and more fully when he leaves. Stop playing cards and having fun. Sure, eat dinner together and talk, but take time away in your room, go out, be as unavailable as you can. Act casual about it like you are just into doing other things. Don’t ask him how he’s feeling or respond much to his personal insights. It’s a process. It’s not going to change in one day. Be okay pulling away…

Lots of hugs and love…

El