Where to start with WAS

[BL42]

Joshua,

You should think about what you've said here...

It felt very much like my wife regretted getting married from the start.

You're saying from the very start you sensed she wasn't into the marriage.

she just refused to wear her wedding ring. She made up the excuse that she didn't want to lose it.

Newlyweds do not typically forgo wearing their wedding rings. In fact showing off the engagement right is often a source of pride for women.

Also I heard from my mother that in one of their conversations that my wife told her that she tells people at work that she's not married. I asked my wife why she says that and she gave me some response about how she didn't want people to know about her personal life.

Newlyweds do not typically tell their mother-in-law they don't want their coworkers to know they're married. In fact they often tell everyone about the wedding and their life.

As far as fault is concerned, I dont know how to best put it if its not making sense by now. If one person is uncommitted to the marriage, and their own lack of investment/unhealthy habits/etc leads to them being unhappy in the marriage or problems that they themselves were the primary cause of, and then decide that marriage really isnt for them and they are going to break their vows just so they don't have to deal with it anymore, then I would say the fault is primarily on them. Sure I may have contributed somewhat to the breakdown of the relationship, had my own flaws, dealt with things in unhealthy ways, but in the end when one person wants to make it work and tries to make it work, albeit imperfectly, then I truly believe that person is not guilty of the failure of the marriage. That guilt falls on the person that was not true to their word on their wedding day.

So I largely agree with this. However, I also get the sense you're far too focused on "who's fault it is". You've spent a good portion of your posts so far discussing it, and I'm not sure that's really going to help you moving forward. Whether it's all your W's fault or all your fault or (more likely) somewhere in-between, the most effective area to focus on is how you can improve your life starting today. Try not to get stuck on assigning blame and instead work on making your life better with or without her.

I am/was trying to fight for my marriage because of yes, religious conviction, and also because I took my vows seriously. And I still have an expectation that she fulfills her vows.

I completely understand wanting to work on the marriage for religious & moral reasons, and applaud you for taking your vows seriously. However, regardless of your expectations she is breaking her vows and that is out of your control.

It does seem like she is just trying to move on with her life and the only thing we have together is that piece of paper that says we are still married.

Yes. That's certainly how it sounds.

I was just looking for suggestions/input/feedback after having read the DR book and still being confused as to how I could apply the books principles to my situation.

Re-read the Last Resort Technique (LTR) section from the book.

As far as detach, GAL, 180.... I'm still working on it. One thing I did do over year since she separated was loose 65 lbs. Went from 242 to 176 and got shredded. I was always muscular but let the weight get a little out of control especially when the gyms shut down due to COVID. I'm back up to 205 now, but still lean. I have a daily routine that keeps me mostly sane mentally and am staying physically active. Its hard to go outside a lot right now because its the middle of winter, but I plan to be outdoors a lot when it starts warming up (biking, rucking/hiking)

Awesome! That's all great stuff. Keep up the work out routine. Many on her lose 25-30lbs through the process but then put some or all of it back on. Keep it up look and feel great. Are you doing anything socially with existing friends or to meet new people?

Joshua...as others have mentioned you are still relatively young and do not share children. You've said she was not into the marriage almost from the start, had no sex before and very little after (a source of frustration for you), and that she hung around other guys and started an affair with a high school friend just one year into your marriage. I understand it's very difficult in the present, and don't mean to sound harsh, but you think you're going to look back on this down the road and realize she did you a favor by getting out so soon. The best advice I have for you is to take the focus off her and your relationship with you and put your full focus on making your life awesome. Maybe she'll regret leaving you and come back, but more likely you'll find someone much better.