My Story P4...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

You have walked a fine path. It is wonderful to see you moving forward with very few regrets.

One question for which I don't seem to find an answer.
You should know that I'm actually not mad or bitter at him at all anymore. I am fully understanding his "Illness" and can be his friend today. And so I do. We did laugh, talk and had fun in many ways the past weeks with some exceptions.
(I won't tolerate bad behavior of course like what happened two weeks ago. That is why we are moving forward again, to not have these situations anymore.)

But I assume this is contradictory to letting go?

F.e. What if he goes back to OW2? Do I have to warn him again beforehand that if he goes back to her I won't be there for him? And then again provoke a reaction that I really don't need anymore. Do I want to know he is going back to OW2? Is it important for me to know?

Letting go is displayed both in emotions and physical actions. And like you well know, one only directly controls their thoughts and actions; emotions are influenced by thoughts and actions.

Laughing, talking, and having fun is contradictory to letting go. Those actions reinforce attachment.

G demonstrated positive progress. He made progress. Both lived under the same roof again. Of course, you got attached again. However, his path is his. And he appears to need to journey not along side you. That, is why you let go. As you said, not spiteful, not hateful, not bitter, not mad, you need to let go so he can progress on his journey.

That is my letting go of XW. It’s absolutely my choice, and not what I wanted. I think you will understand such a counterintuitive view. It will at first feel wrong, and in the end is not. Forgivingly letting go.

As for OW2. No warning needed. No information needed. Just let go. He is going in a direction you are not. Let go and give him to God.

I'm divorced, the house will be sold, the only connection we will still have are the children.
And at the end, now he is finally allowed to do whatever he wants, I don't have to agree with that but I can't say anymore that he is having an affair.

Yes, that is true. Stick to just parenting and kids’ stuff.

If he is honest about the fact that he goes to OW however, I will then state indeed that I can't be his friend whilst in another R, that this doesn't work for me.

And this is the truth, I can't handle this yet. Is it OK to tell him that?

You have told him before. No need to harp or repeat. H knows. And he is driven to, or is choosing to, look to another R. You have no need to get wrapped up in those emotions again. Let go.

From my point of view the most important items to let go are:

1/ not to stop caring, it simply means I can’t do it for someone else
2/ not to care for, but to care about
3/ not to fix, but to be supportive
4/ not to judge,but to allow another to be a human being
5/ not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality
6/ to fear less and love more

Letting go is allowing H to do what he will. It is finding peace within your emotional self regarding that. There is a lot of compassion in such a things. And realize compassion has quite a component of indifference to it. Compassionate indifference doesn’t mean one doesn’t care, it means one is compassionate and caring without being attached and dragged around.

From your list, a few items to consider:

Remove number 3. Yes, you cannot fix him. However, you are not his support person. He choose someone else. My XW fired me as husband. Fired me from the role, duty, and honour of supporting her. She choose and hired OM. I let go, and stay out of it. And by the way, if she ever wanted to hire me back, it is not a guarantee I would accept. I’ve let go. I’d need to see if I wanted to grab on again.

Number 6. Fear less. Love more. That is for you!! Nothing to do with H or specifically regarding H. Focus upon you and kids.

And each time I’m there to pick him up because I’m afraid of what he might do. I listen, I validate, and eventually I get sucked in it again.

Maybe I don’t want to do that anymore, but it’s stronger than myself not to.

That’s the part I guess where I can’t seem to let go? Why is that?

Why is that? Because your subconscious self is pulling in a different direction. Utilize your directly controllable conscious mental assertiveness to influence your subconscious responses, your beliefs.

To that end: Your mind is listening and making what you say and think a reality.

“And each time I’m there to pick him up because I’m afraid of what he might do.” Fear less my friend. Do not let fear rule your actions and life. Letting go includes letting go of fear (and ego although you seem to have that one well in hand).

“Maybe I don’t want to do that anymore, but it’s stronger than myself not to.” Strike out “maybe”. And you are justifying with the word “but”. Eagle, you are stronger! Stop saying you are not.

Updated and modified: I don’t want to do that anymore.

“That’s the part I guess where I can’t seem to let go?” You are telling your mind to make it impossible. This is not “can’t”; it is “won’t”.

That’s the part I guess where I won’t seem to let go. “Won’t”, places you in control.

Is showing that you let go in a form of friendship also possible?

No, not really.

I’ve let go XW. Forgiven, care, have compassion, etc. And we are not friends. My friends do not treat me that way!

For what it’s worth, I think you are looking at things in a binary manner. Either I’m a friend or an enemy. It’s neither.

MLC H is an alien. He looks like H. Yet he is basically a stranger - treat him like such. Be kind and compassionate and forgiving as you would to any stranger. Not friends doesn’t make you enemies. As much as not enemies doesn’t make you friends.

You can easily let go of a stranger. Your list of important items for letting go speak to this very thing. To generally care about (not for), to see them as their own person with their own desires, to let them face their reality - benefits and consequences.

how did you handle this in the past?

I do understand the struggle you are waging. Your questions are excellent and provoking growth.

I let go XW like the stranger she is. Realized how my friends treat me. And realized that her treatment is not in harmony with friendship or my values. I detached, became indifferent, embraced compassion and kindness, went through withdrawal, let go fear, let go ego, let go binary yes/no, true/false ideology, organized my beliefs and convictions, and stand for me.

Somewhere, letting go of J happened. XW, much like MLC H, was relatively easy to let go of. Of course, I didn’t recognize nor see that clearly while embroiled in it. XW is a stranger. J is the person I was hanging on to. And that was more a memory, a lost future, than the actual woman.

Letting go of our “stranger” spouse, influences us. Allows us to release our hold. My wife was long gone, it was I who just wouldn’t let go. And yes at the time I felt it was “I couldn’t let go”. I had to let go of that too.

How I handled it, is like I said so long ago. We all need a certain level of understanding before we can let go. Rationalize and influence. Maintain noble headings and directions. Find acceptance and forgiveness. In the end, I found I have much more in letting go than I ever did while hanging on.

D