Surgery went fine, as always, I was overthinking it. Woke up to massive pain, but they gave me some pretty good meds. Pretty painful this morning as well, but they did cut through muscle.
Weight is down now 30 lbs, to 135, I am 5'5". I haven't seen this weight since early 20's.. As soon as I heal up I am joining that gym, and get in the best shape of my life. I used to work out all of the time, but that kind of fell to the wayside over the last 5 years. So need to make the best of the weight lose!!! Usually I try to work out at home, but it is sporadic. So going to the gym will force me to get out of the house and meet new people.
I see it, see that I need to focus on me, not H. All of the sh*t he has been putting me through has caused all of the health issues I have been having. I need to start taking care of myself. I know it, I see it, I just need to do it. I keep putting up sticky notes on my wall to read everday as I sit here. I have never been a patient person, I always want it now or look how to fix it now.. I am learning patients now, most importantly with myself. Got to just ride the waves as they come, and realize it is not the end of the world. Right now my repetitive saying is going to be "Let him go"
The rollercoaster of feelings and emotions is brutal...to say the least. I get angry over how he has treated me over the last 6 months. The verbal and emotional abuse was horrible, the crap that came out of his mouth after BD1, disgusting, crazy. The drinking and lies. OMG do I get pissed when I remember his actions. Then I remember the history, and get sad. And, like today, I feel ok right now, kind of numb. And this is my battle, I think I want H back and then I think of all the sh*t and think I am crazy to even think that.
I can not tell you how thankfull I am to have found this site and all of you. This is very therapeutic for me. Getting my thoughts typed out, getting your responses and wisdom. Makes me feel less alone.
