(((Stella))). You are having a very normal reaction to a incredibly traumatic event. When someone you love and trust chooses to blow up your life in this way, the damage it does to your sense of self, sense of worth, sense of safety, etc… is immense. Do not beat yourself up over actions that are completely understandable, albeit unhelpful. Just know that any action you take to pull your H toward you is more apt to push him away. It might make you feel better in the moment but ultimately it will be more harmful than helpful.
I remember being in the state of mind that you are in right now. Gawd…it was AWFUL. I thought losing my parents was hard. This was beyond that. I was prepared for their deaths. I was not prepared for the death of my marriage. It was not a natural, predictable death…in many ways it was more like a murder. That’s how traumatic it was. If you have some time, read some of my thread. You will see yourself in what I write. You will see the sadness, the disbelief, the anger, the justifications for really unhelpful actions I took. [Some are so embarrassing now when I look back.] Like most people on here, I joined this forum to try to regain my equilibrium by getting my husband back. Again…like most people on here…I eventually came to terms with what had occurred and I regained my equilibrium by getting me back. It wasn’t easy. There were a lot of sleepless nights, early morning crying sessions in my shower so my kids wouldn’t see me sad, 3 a.m. posts, etc… but I made it. As time went on, I began to feel more and more like my old self…pre-marriage.
With time and distance and some deliberate actions on your part, you will slowly but surely begin to rebound from this. One of the things that helped me is when I started to force myself to do things that were opposite to how I was feeling. For example… I made myself go to my staff Christmas party even though I wanted to stay home. At New Years, I wanted to curl up into a little ball and sleep the night away so I had a party. I said “yes” to every social invitation that came my way even though I wanted to say “no”. I focused on strengthening some friendships I already had and I made some new friends. I volunteered at a breakfast for the homeless which helped me put things into perspective. I took my kids on a vacation and did some weekend getaways with my sister. In the beginning, it was a lot of “fake it til you make it” but eventually I began to genuinely enjoy myself and I realized I could have a life apart from my H.
Please do not get down on yourself. We have all been where you are. No one on here did this perfectly in the beginning. This is going to take some time but you will eventually regain your footing. Do not be afraid of this. I remember being weirdly afraid of not being sad. Like being sad was the only thing keeping my marriage alive and if I started to feel okay, I would be the one who killed it. When people would post on my thread and tell me things like I am telling you, it was comforting to know that they had come out the other side and were doing well but I did not want to be one of them. I did not want to be detached from my H even though he had clearly detached from me. Eventually, though, as I got more time and distance, I stopped fighting it and it began to happen naturally. When it finally did, what a relief it was Stella. To wake up in the morning and not immediately think of my H. I promise it will be a relief to you too.
Good luck with your surgery. I was glad to read that you have family nearby who can be there for you. (((HUGS)))
