as things have gone all the way south, I got a lot of peace of mind knowing that I tried everything in my power to save the marriage.
This is so important. We may not have been perfect in marriage or DB'ing but can rest easy knowing we did everything possible to save our marriage and keep our family together, both for ourselves and if/when our children ask someday.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I don't have counseling scheduled for a couple of weeks and I need to figure out my thoughts.
1) I am ready for the divorce;
But my head just isn't clear. Work has gone well. I actually had a record year last year, but I'm not performing up to my capacity. And I've entered into a business partnership that is new that is causing me to feel a lot of pressure. And with the pressure and lack of ability to focus - its causing stress that is leading me to the brink of being overwhelmed.
I feel like there was a time I had the mental capacity to kick into a next gear, but now I question if I want to go into that gear as well as whether or not I can.
And all of this is making me feel inferior or less than. It makes me want to escape. And I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to.
When I was married, it was almost like I could suck it up because I knew that part of my life was settled. Almost like I could let some other things go - the grocery shopping would get done, the laundry would get done, the kids would be taken care, if I didn't work out I would still be good enough that my wife wouldn't leave me (ha) - but now I feel the pressure for all of these things plus work - and time for myself - I don't want to just become a machine at the office and I'm not sure that I can anymore if I did want to. I want to be able to run at a slower pace. And I'm just feeling overwhelmed by all of it.
I'm hoping that once the divorce is final and I get more space, I'll pick up some extra bandwidth and that this weird mental fog will clear. I feel alone in this fog - and I wonder if this is normal or if I'm neglecting my responsibilities.
I guess, its normal for me. My experience is my experience and I'm unfortunately still in a weird survival mode. Thanks for listening.
Scott, all of that sounds fair, and typical things a divorcee with kids would need to sort out and work through. It isn't easy to deal with everything, and I do think once you get through the D, things will settle out for you. Also, start looking into ways to make your life easier, maybe a grocery service. Maybe even a house keeper that can do things like the laundry. You have the means to offload some of that stuff, so consider it.
You've got this though. You will get through this fog and come out the other side ready to be at your best!
Last edited by SteveLW; 02/02/2204:45 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When I was married, it was almost like I could suck it up because I knew that part of my life was settled. Almost like I could let some other things go - the grocery shopping would get done, the laundry would get done, the kids would be taken care, if I didn't work out I would still be good enough that my wife wouldn't leave me (ha) - but now I feel the pressure for all of these things plus work - and time for myself - I don't want to just become a machine at the office and I'm not sure that I can anymore if I did want to. I want to be able to run at a slower pace. And I'm just feeling overwhelmed by all of it.
I completely understand this. Having that portion of your life settled and taken care of is a nice aspect to marriage; now you & I have to mind all the responsibilities a couple would normally divide up and share (divorce means two houses to clean, two lawns to mow, two wardrobes to buy)...plus potentially dating at some point. I think it's totally normal to be overwhelmed at times.
In terms of career...it's interesting I made a level earlier which many don't in their careers and had the pre-D mindset to stick there for a long time, maybe forever, so I'd have more time to spend with my family and kids but this hole process has gotten me thinking of accelerating my career even more to move up the chain. Between working remotely and the time I'm not allow to spend with my kids I know recognize I could move up and still be just as present as I am now, which I've flexed a good in the last year and a half to maximize the time I can spend with them considering the sitch. Anyway, interesting how BD/D can flip your mindset.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Also, start looking into ways to make your life easier, maybe a grocery service. Maybe even a house keeper that can do things like the laundry. You have the means to offload some of that stuff, so consider it.
Good suggestion by SteveLW. I hired a house cleaner for every other week, strategically scheduled for right after my time with the kids. I was against that previously, thinking it was a task a family should do, but have now 180'd there to simplify life and focus on my kids, GAL, and work. Nice to have the cleaning taken care without effort...I actually look forward to the ay the house looks and smells after they finish.
I don't use the grocery delivery as much because I use the shopping as a way to get out of the house and be around people and can usually do it a day or two before the kids come back to be stocked up for them, but understand why a pre-set weekly list and regular delivery would be convenient.
Also, not sure on your work situation, but having gone full-time remote due to COVID it enables me to go downstairs and take care of tasks like throwing in a load of laundry, running the dish washer, or even stepping away at lunch to mow the lawn during the Summer. It helps to keep on top of things during my work week which I couldn't do working from the office.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
So the weekend was stressful and I knew it was coming. My son had a religious celebration that brought the family together.
It started with my parents staying at my house Friday through Monday. I love them, but hearing about how I should drive in snow, to which route I should take to get places, how I should take care of or decorate my house down to the pots certain plants should be in, and then planning for meals for them plus driving to the kids activities -- it was overwhelming and I'm feeling that hangover in a big way today.
Also with the celebration it was my family (brother, niece, nephew, parents, and kids) plus my STBEx. It was a two hour brunch after the celebration but that kind of thing can give me a hangover too. I'm used to seeing her at sports events but this was a different level of interaction.
Anyhow, its behind me.
But this weekend created a level of anxiety for me that I haven't felt in months. I'm just completely out of my routine, my space was completely invaded - not allowing myself recover time, and then dealing with the STBEx was overwhelming.
I do think there is an added weird weight of the divorce being three weeks away. Again, its a good thing at this point, but it is still a thing and it creates weight.
I hope to get this weekend behind me and find some time over this week to work through this reborn stress and anxiety.
ScottB, that is all understandable. Sounds like you dealt well and now on the backside of it you can unwind and relax.
I think you'll be surprised at what a non-event the finalization is. That's the one theme that comes through loud and clear in talking to others that have been through it. That dread it. But once it is over it is just like getting your driver license renewed. You've got this though, you've done the work, continue to, and I see a really bright future for you!
Now go put those plants in the right pots!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I echo what SteveLW said. I dreaded the day of the divorce being final but honestly, by the time it rolled around, it was pretty much a non-event. I only thought about it when I forced myself to think about it. You’ve done the work, as have I. Any sadness you experience on that day, I promise you, will be fleeting.
I remember visits from my parents (mostly my mom who made a career out of worrying) used to be fairly stressful as inevitably I would hear about something I didn’t do or should be doing…especially when it came to my kids. However, I would give anything to have another visit from them…even a stressful one. Definitely preferable to having no visits at all.
It is interesting to be aware of my stress and how it ebbs and flows. With my parents gone and a couple of days to get back to normal --well, things are back to normal.
The context of the divorce overall seems to simply amplify normal feelings of stress. So "extra" just piles on exponentially, but once I'm through it things cool back down.
I am hoping this isn't some kind of new normal in my life and that once the divorce is final and I get some space from it that I can deal with stress better and prevent feeling on the brink of overwhelmed.
Scott, you are in IC so you're doing the right things to manage that stress. I do think once everything is behind you and all you have to worry about is living your best life the stress will be less of an issue. But you are doing awesome, and you are set up, due to your hard work, to be successful in moving forward.
How you've dealt with everything is really inspirational.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It is interesting to be aware of my stress and how it ebbs and flows. With my parents gone and a couple of days to get back to normal --well, things are back to normal.
That's a great insight for stress management! Tuesday, I felt stressed about a significant change in my schedule. Instead of getting worked up, I took a 30-min nap, and felt better. Most stressors melt with rest, space, and time.
(An exception is when we procrastinate. That stress increases as deadlines approach!)
