I see. You waited for 2.5yrs to explore sexual chemistry and found it lacking. First times, and first times with a new partner are sometimes awkward because you're still learning about each others' preferences and what works together. You describe her as stonewalling you late in the relationship. Early on it sounds like she was communicating that something was wrong. The "emasculating" comments make it sound more like incompatibility than disinterest for her. I get she didn't phrase her concerns in the most empathetic way, and you took them personally. Were you able to hear her despite that and try to meet her needs? When did she stop communication? Once the communication dies, it's hard to imagine a marriage succeeding.
It wasn't awkward at all. But she was definitely disinterested and it was a dead bedroom throughout the whole marriage. I personally believe she had hang ups because she didn't want to get pregnant (didn't want kids). The stonewalling was at the beginning of the marriage as well. No communication and she made me feel guilty for asking her to meet my needs. It wasn't for my lack of trying but talking to her was like talking to a brick wall. She couldn't see through her own wants and needs to compromise with me to meet my own needs.
Originally Posted by Mumin
Josh, sounds like some really tough times! I can really relate to NGS and her lack of responsiveness. You are getting good help. Read it more than once and take time to digest. I think they might’ve been mentioned but 1. Read love must be tough 2. And Intimacy & desire Imo you NEEEED both of those books for yourself.
Im almost done with "Love Must Be Tough" now. I think its a perfect description of what happened in my marriage, especially with the affair. The marriage couldn't work because of a lack of respect, which I always felt was an issue. Of course I reacted to the disrespect in all the wrong ways.
Is "Intimacy & Desire" the one by Dr. David Schnarch? I'll pick that one up too
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Originally Posted by Joshua
Quote
you feel as if she drove your relationship off a cliff while you stood by helplessly and that you've been deeply betrayed.
I think thats a great description of how I feel/what happened actually. I'm actually laughing at how accurate this feels to me.
You realize this isn't true though, right? Even if your only contribution to the failure of the marriage was ignoring obvious red flags, then you still were more than just a helpless bystander.
You are right. Being almost finished with "Love Must Be Tough", I was way too passive and allowed her to walk all over me.
