Hi Deja, Thats the hard part, let him go. I don't want to live my life with out him, but I have to change that thought as it is not realistic. I feel like there is a giant battle going on inside of me. A fight with myself to hold on and let go and it is a constant battle. Like I think I can fix him, when I know logically that I can not fix him or control his actions.
Also, from all the advice and guidance that I have received from all of you, I know what I need to do, but yet my heart is still trying to hold on. What I want for H & I is not up to me, he took that choice away from me. Right now I am just trying to get through day by day, and not reach out to him, and give him space. Yesterday was hard, but I made it. This morning, not so much.
Worried about my surgery today, and overthinking and scared, if something goes wrong, and like a idiot I reached out to him this morning. I know my fears for todays surgery is just me overthinking and being over senstive and a emotional wreck, due to what has been going on with H. And how lonely I have been feeling.
H was on his way to a IC session this morning when we spoke, I didn't think he would keep up his IC, so theres that...???? His counsler doesn't believe in MLC, at least thats what H told me at one point in time before he left. He was pleasent, assured me that I was overthinking and that surgery would go fine. Asked me to text him later to let him know that I was ok. I kept it short, I know it was stupid to call him, but I lost that battle with myself this morning.
Anyway, epic fail this morning, but I called him for me not for him. Does that make any sense??? My sadness this morning is off the charts, I hate this. Really hate all of the emotions, the rollercoaster...I know he can't and dosent want to hear from me or about my feelings. He can't even face his own.
Just kind of rambling right now. Brother is taking me to and from the hospital in a hour, surgery at noon.
And you are right, I think about our past together and I don't understand how he can walk away. I am "dumbfounded" (thanks for that word DnJ).
This is not a journy I want to be on, no one wants or deserves to ever be on!!!
