Husband MLC? need help

[DnJ]

Good Morning Stella

You did it! Made it through the visit. And pretty well from what I read.

You also sound much better today, the fears of what could have happened, gone; since the visit has passed.

Fear is an interesting response to our possible futures; a well evolved emotional reflex to steer us from harms way from impending danger. Fear is healthy and normal. And for a great many times is not warranted, for those things never come to pass. Like yesterday, out of all the possible scenarios, only one actually happened.

So we can be fearful of a multitude of things or just the one thing. However, we don’t which one. And that is how fear maintains its grip. We don’t “know”, so we imagine and usually for the worse.

Fear lives and breathes within the possibilities. The dark ones. Hope lives and breathes within the bright ones. You can influence which you focus on, which you feed.

By the way, dangerous situations. A clear and present danger. Flight or flight kicks in. Fear works to steers us away from perceived danger, fight or flight works to gets us out of danger.


With your reflecting upon yesterday, some suggestions. Things to consider for next time. And yes there will be a next time.

I asked him if that is what he still wants, and he said "well we can't go back". I said yes, i know that.

Add on, “We can only move forward.”

It states we. Implies still considering we. Turns depressive focus of the past towards the unwritten future.

True, a minor wording. However, you (and H, mostly you) are listening. And minor things add up and have huge effects.

BTW, this is really for you. All suggestions and advice are for you. You are the most important person in this equation. And I like to keep hope alive, while dealing with what’s in front of me. I’m thinking you do as well.

Maybe he did just fall in love with someone else, am I wrong. Is this a MLC? or a exit affair? But normal emotionally healthy people do not have affairs!! So confused..

I know the struggle of trying to make sense of what happened.

Is it MLC? Or something else?

A few hallmarks of MLC are confusion, depression, and becoming the opposite of who they once were. To me, H is in crisis.

His grandma took ill two years ago. She died 14 months ago. H is struggling to process and accept that loss. His childhood events having stunted him emotionally.

His FIL passes 6 months later. Yet more death and morality pressure upon him. And he never really shows the grief or pain, since he doesn’t know how and is suppressing something even bigger.

Then kaboom. The flood gates open. H turns into an alien. And no one saw it coming. No one! He is the opposite of who you and others know/knew.

Realize, the affair is just a symptom. OW means nothing. She is just another broken person trying to find happiness and meaning in their life. It is staggering how many crisis people have affairs. Within their confused hurt souls, they incorrectly equate sex with joy/happiness. It’s not true, and they bumble along miserable, confused, and lost in the darkness.

I said you are not acting like the man I know, he said I am still the same person. (he was today, but has not been for the last 8 months)

He seemed different today, of course the last time I saw him he was emotionless, monster and could not get out the door fast enough.

You see it before you.

Seeing is not believing. And if you are like most folks, you never really understood what that actually meant until now.

Stop thinking unbelievable. Do: I am dumbfounded with H’s behaviour.

There is a belief to discard, one to craft, and one to strengthen in this regard. Discard: the unbelievability of this. Craft: MLC is real. Strengthen: H is in crisis. You see it, you don’t yet believe it.

Also he brought up the money I transfed, half of our savings. He said he doesn't know why I did that, that he is not going to do anything with the money.

He is paying OW like $700 to $800 a month for half the rent of the sh*t hole she rents. I have told him that I think she is just after his/our money. But he says, she had her own, to which I reminded him that she does not have "our type of money". I still think she is after our money and my H too.

Continue getting the finances in order. Yes money is often a motivator.

Focus on you, and keep moving forward. You got this.

D