Yes, kml, the flowers worked, thanks for the idea.
I think/hope that H's visit gave him some food for thought. When I asked him if he still wanted to go through with the D(i know i should not have asked this) He said "well we can't go back to how it was" I said I know that. But I left it at that and changed the subject.
Two hours after H left he text me "Thank you for being calm today. Enjoy your dinner out" I replied, 2 hours later"Thanks for shoveling it was nice to see you" So I will continue to not reach out to him, and if he reaches out to me I will wait to respond.
H has alot of work to do on himself, if he does decide he wants to give us a try. When the A came out, H dived into the rabbit hole, and kept digging. He walked away from us without giving our marriage any thought or even trying to recover from the A. Totally just following his emotions and feelings for the OW. "I'm in love, she is so special, showed me a special way to live" "she prusued me, and it felt so good to be pursued" Looking back at the 6 months before he left, I can now see he was struggling with one foot in and one foot out. But I think it was mostly one foot out, as she really dug her claws in and they kept manipulating situations so that they could be together. She is a evil one!! But it takes two...
My H was always proud of the life we had together. He always wanted everyone to like him and always tried to be the nice guy. Even after he left, he had made a donation to a family in need around for xmas, when he told me that I said that was a nice thing to do. He said - well I am still a good guy....really though are you??
The old H would be ashamed and embarrassed by what he is doing now. His reputation was very important to him. And all of his justifications to our friends just don't hold water. I think or want to believe that on some level he knows what he is doing is completly whacked and wrong. I hope that he sees, someday, that he walked away without trying to fix himself or communicate with me his needs, or issues that lead him down this path. I don't buy the "I had a A and fell in love"...or at least I can't buy it. Love takes time, love builds not destroys. Love can not be built on a fondation of betrayal, lies and the pain of others. Both him and the OW are in a very unhealthy place right now. I pray my H can find his way out.
But I need to focus on me and GAL. After my surgery, I am going to join the gym, start my volunteering at the cat shelter and get a job. Also trying to plan a get away with my brother and SIL to Floriday I need to get out of the cold and to a beach!!! Plan for the worst, hope for the best. Whatever that best is, to be determined. Somedays I want us back so bad, somedays I don't know why or how that is even possible. But for now I am going to hold on for hope, in my gut I know that getting a D is not the right thing to do. But I can not stop it, that has to come from him.
I am learning alot from this site, and from all of you wonderful people!!
