(((Stella))). I think that is when it is the hardest…when they look and act like the person we used to know. But he’s not Stella and the sooner you come to terms with that, the better. It is very possible that in your home and in your company, he was your old H. But as soon as he left, he went back to being the person who left you and moved in with someone else. Do not make more out of what he says or does than what it is.
A few thoughts…
1. Leave your money where it is. Protect yourself. Even though he said he wasn’t going to do anything with the money, and he may have meant it at the time, he could change his mind at any minute and there is nothing stopping him from taking it or spending it. This is especially risky when you have someone who is dealing with an addiction to alcohol which it sound like your H is.
2. If you need the help with the house, okay, but if you can manage it on your own, I would do that if I were you. Him coming over to shovel snow is a form of cake eating, in my opinion. It is also a way for him to alleviate his guilt for abandoning you. He quit being your husband when he moved in with another woman. I shovelled a ton of snow when my H left. And did minor house repairs (YouTube is awesome!!). Every time I did something for myself that he would have normally done, I got a little bit stronger. It was a good feeling and made me realize I didn’t need him, I just wanted him. That’s not the same thing.
3. While I completely understand you hugging him and telling him how you were feeling, just know that whenever you do that, you are making him want to be around you less, not more. How much time he wants to spend around you is going to completely depend on how he feels in your presence. If he feels comfortable, that’s great. If you share some laughs, also great. If he has to go through walks down memory lane and see you looking sad, he is going to feel guilty and sad and at the end of the day, he will want to avoid feeling that way at all costs.
What you need to remember is that while this is all new to you, he has been thinking about this and planning this for months…possibly even a year or more. He knew how hard it would be to leave and what that would do to you. He chose to do it anyway and now that he has gotten the hard part over with, he is not going to want to come back unless he is absolutely convinced it is something he wants to do. He has already been through the worst, he is not going to come back, realize he still feels the same and then have to leave you all over again. There is no going back Stella…not for him…not for you. You can only move forward. Doesn’t mean that you will never be together again…no one knows the future. But that cannot be the goal because as soon as you make it the goal, you are almost guaranteeing it doesn’t happen.
One of the things that helped me get through this period was reading threads of people who had come before me. If you haven’t already, I recommend you read BluWave’s thread. Her sitch reminds me of yours. Her H did come back but it was a long road. (((HUGS)))
