Husband MLC? need help

[DnJ]

Good Morning Stella

I’ve been there. I totally understand, and have laid awake, asking those questions.

We all need a certain level of understanding before we can let go. Everyone. No one is immune from this healthy seeking of understanding. And everyone has a different level they require.

You are perfectly normal. You are responding like you should. This is healthy and healing; and it hurts like the dickens. (((Hugs)))

layed in bed for a while, wondering why should I even get up.

Yes, I had many of those mornings.

Do for you. Focus on you.

Small thoughts and actions will have an cumulative effect upon your emotions and values. Positive inputs will garner positive effects. Stick to the path, and keep moving forward.

Some advice, set an alarm and get out of bed. And make the bed. Everyday. Make that habit. Reinforce that habit. That small action will accumulate and start to affect the beginning of your day. In a positive way.

Sure, have days where you sleep in. Sometimes our bed is just so cosy.

And other days, when things get really bad, go back to bed - it’s ok. However, you got up, each and everyday.

I wonder, is this who he has always been? And he is just letting go now? Talking with a friend the other night, the friend made this comment to me that maybe this is who he has always been. Maybe he married you to try to be a better person and he couldn't keep it up anymore.

You are struggling to find answers. To find rational reason for such an irrational act. Be careful, you can talk yourself into incorrect reasoning.

It is difficult to focus elsewhere. Our minds and hearts want and need answers. And we will craft them if we have to. You control you. Do accept it is ok to not know for right now. Answers will reveal themselves. Honest. Most times it because we have to become ready to listen to actually hear them.

Stick to what you know. The facts of the situation. I wrote down what happened right after BD. What W said. Had all my kids and parents do the same. Eight viewpoints all saw and reported the same thing.

As unbelievable as H appears, believe it. I’m sure you do feel and think like all this quite unbelievable. Use “I’m dumbfounded” by what has happen, instead of unbelievable. Your mind is listening and will make this unbelievable as you ask it too.

Some facts: You know H. You were married for 18 years. Together for 21. My XW told me and the world that this is who she truly is. That she is now living authentically. Well, if that were the case, she is the world’s best actress. Three decades we were together.

You know H. Do not rewrite that. This guy now, is not H. Well, he is, and he isn’t. H’s younger hurt self has bubbled up to the surface. This H is emotionally that stunted hurt child. A MLCer experiences an actual time travel effect. They get pulled back and live in that time. It is so confusion upon them.

H is his younger self. A time when he didn’t even know you. He wasn’t married. He doesn’t have feelings because from that time none of that even existed. During lucid moments MLCers know where and when they are. And their old feelings, the ones that should be current, do exert themselves. Guilt, shame, pain, so very much they have upon their soul. That is too much, and they run back into the darkness again.

Some cycle often, others hardly ever. MLCers come in three basic types: Clingers, boomerang, and vanisher. And they have two levels of intensity: High energy and wallower.

My W was a high energy vanisher. She took off in a big way. Expending tremendous energies into her new fantasy life.

S, your H always had the seeds of this crisis within him. Those were planted long ago, and even he did not realize it.

He didn’t marry you to become a better person. It sounds like marriage made both of you better people. Like a good marriage should. His two decades with you were not a charade.

Realize you and your friends are attempting to find a rational explanation for events and behaviours that are completely unknown to you. So very far off the deep end. This takes time.


H’s new narrative of the picture album and the events of that day is a very common thing among MLCers. My XW now hates vacations. All the vacations, over our 31 years, she hated. It’s also OM doesn’t like vacationing, and XW being a smitten teenage girl now aligns her feelings with her boyfriends. Just like her 13 year old hurt emotional self.

H is projecting upon you. Creating a narrative and blaming you. Making up lies, to himself and anyone who will listen. And the really scary part, he believes those lies. He absolutely has to believe them.

Imagine someone inside your head ceaselessly screaming at you. You would do anything to make the torment stop. Problem is, these lost soul seldom get the help they need. They cannot accept it. MLCer is a horrible thing.

How could the man I have loved for the last 21 years be so cold, so heartless to me. The women he professed to love so f-ing much just be kick to the curb in such a heartless manner???????

Sorry. I’m amazed and quite dumbfounded by the actions these poor souls take. Like stated, he has to. MLCer’s have zero empathy. Seemingly heartless. They are consumed by their emotions and quite literally cannot handle anyone else’s.

Is he going to "snap out of it" and remember the life we had?

Probably not.

If you need to hear a yes or no. No, he won’t.

Once entered, H needs to travel his crisis.

He has told me over the last 2ish weeks that he still loves me, misses our life and the boys (fur babies).

H will have moments of clarity. Peaks out of the tunnel. And he will disappear again.

or Is this just kibble to keep me as plan B...I am not a plan B I am the real deal dam it.

It’s only kibble if you let it be. You are the real deal! Live it!

Am I a idiot for having hope?

Absolutely not!

As long as you realize the true nature of hope and expectations and wishes.

Hope is an incredible positive force. It is our desires. Hope is timeless.

Expectations are hope with a timeline or deadline for expected action. A deadline does just that, make hope dead. Keep expectations to zero.

We can discuss more if you like. I’ve written many threads regarding hope. I am a rather hopeful and optimistic guy.

Seriously, if R is possible, how do you even get over all the damage?

In time, you will heal. If you work towards a forgiving compassionate understanding acceptance one’s damage does heal very nicely.

Why can't I let go of the love I feel for him? Why, why why is this happening? Sometimes I am strong and just think... walk away there is no way to fix this... then I think about us, the us we were before BD.. and I can't walk away.

My dear, you are within the throes of grief. Your struggle within bargaining is apparent.

Stella, the pain from the loss of romantic love is akin to withdrawal from heroin. A loving sincere relationship is addictive. And the endorphins that your R produced, that freely swam around in your brain, are gone. That withdrawal is horribly painful.

You will make it. One day at a time. Heck, some days I was minute by minute. Seriously! I literally watched the clock tick a minute. There I made it. And then geared up for the next minute. Those were some truly horrible days.

Some advice, which I complete understanding how difficult it is to follow:

- Limit looking at pictures. Strolls down memory lane can get one easily lost.

- Block H on social media.

- Block OW as well.

- Do not, ever, answer H within 24 hours. Implement a 24 or 48 hour rule. Always give yourself 24-48 hours before responding. That gives you time to allow your emotions settle and helps influence detachment. And you can speak from your rational self. By the way, you don’t always have to respond. Somethings don’t need a response.

- Make your bed. Everyday. Your path will be travelled by many small steps. Keep a steady thought out direction or heading.

I feel like I know my H, deep down I know him. This monster he is , it is not him. We were friends for 7 years before we started dating, I have known him for 27 years. In all that time I have never seen a hint of this side of him. WTF....

Good for you.

You know H. 27 years.

MLC is real. H exists within himself. At the moment a very hurt H has control.

Can he heal and return? Yes. Will he heal and return? I do not know.


You are starting out and seeking answers. And you are standing for your marriage, and for H. We all do. That is the default position. We are far to hurt to do anything else. In time you will stand for you.

As you heal, you begin to let go. We let go fear, ego, our marriage, our spouse. And many other things along the way.

Focus on you. Find detachment.

Detachment is when you are not uncontrollable dragged around by H’s word or behaviour. It still hurts, but you can “control” it better.

After, comes indifference. When H’s words and behaviour no long stir feelings with you. A peaceful time. And one fraught with temptation. Other feelings will loom much larger than they really are within such a void. This is a temporary state and does fade, previous emotions returning and you much more healed.

Just some of the path before you. Some clarity and understanding. I think it helps to know the path to ensure good heading while in the foggy mire.

D