So I am having a rough morning, layed in bed for a while, wondering why should I even get up. Thinking about H and the whole sitch. I miss him, not the him he is right now, but who he was before. And I wonder, is this who he has always been? And he is just letting go now? Talking with a friend the other night, the friend made this comment to me that maybe this is who he has always been. Maybe he married you to try to be a better person and he couldn't keep it up anymore
I guess that is a possibilty. But as I think back over our life together, I just don't know. I think his drinking has always been a issues, sometimes less, sometimes more, but never as bad as it has been over the last 8 months. His drinking has never affected his job. And living in Wisconsin it is such a part of the culture.(excuse) There have been times over the years that I have tried to pull back the reigns, when I would notice he was getting a bit heavy handed with the drinking. I am sure that he is a alcoholic, after what I witnessed with him this last summer.
But the rest of our life was filled with good times. We enjoyed the same past time, bowling, golfing, boating,until my back issues 2 years ago stopped me from some of that. We did alot of things together over the years and we had, I thought, alot of love and happiness. H always kept a shoe box full of memories of our life together, letters I would right him, notes, ticket stubs etc. etc. One year for our anniversary he took that to the next level and started a picture album with all of our vacation photos, got a large tote to put everything in it. We sat together and went though each memory together, I remember him tearing up during this as we talked about how much we loved each other and what a great journy we had been on so far, as went though the memories. It was a beautiful day. But over this last summer, during one of his outburst, his memory of that day was so whacked. He was starting one of his I hate my W rants and brought up that day. He recalled it so completly different from reality. He said that I pushed the tote aside went into the house and took a shower and never thank him or went through the tote. That I did not appreciate all the hard work he put into it, and had never ever done anything thoughtfull for him our entire M. To say I was shocked by his recolection is a understatement. I tried to correct his thought, but his rewriting of our history together had taken a new level with this one.
The H I have seen over the last 8 months is a drunken monster, I don't miss that H. A few glimmers here and there of the old H, but the day he left me he was a stone cold, emotionless empty shell. As I clung to him, crying, hystarical, and broken,(not my proudest moment) he brushed me off to go be with OW. The look on his face, in his eyes, like I was a non person in his eyes. How could the man I have loved for the last 21 years be so cold, so heartless to me. The women he professed to love so f-ing much just be kick to the curb in such a heartless manner??????? Of course he told me he was going to get a hotel, but he went straight to the OW's and is still there. They had gone public with there R over the previous 2 weeks, and H had no choice but to leave before I found out.
Just feeling lost this morning, I love the man he was, I don't like the man he is right now. He thinks he is just fine, that nothing is wrong with him or his actions. As he told me "I had a A and fell in love, these things just happen" Thats a hard pill for me to swallow, I do not believe it for one second. Am I delusional??? Is he really in love with that horrible, heartless, homewrecking WH****?
Is he going to "snap out of it" and remember the life we had? He has told me over the last 2ish weeks that he still loves me, misses our life and the boys (fur babies). or Is this just kibble to keep me as plan B...I am not a plan B I am the real deal dam it. Am I a idiot for having hope? Seriously, if R is possible, how do you even get over all the damage? Why can't I let go of the love I feel for him? Why, why why is this happening? Sometimes I am strong and just think... walk away there is no way to fix this... then I think about us, the us we were before BD.. and I can't walk away.
I feel like I know my H, deep down I know him. This monster he is , it is not him. We were friends for 7 years before we started dating, I have known him for 27 years. In all that time I have never seen a hint of this side of him. WTF....
