The obvious question for the WAS is "Why bother?". I have two friends who are WAS (to lousy ex's) and have no plans to finalize their divorces, because their attorneys say the temporary settlement is better than the long-term settlement. If their ex's value the closure of that piece of paper, they'll have to sweeten the long-term settlement, or wait a few more years.
WTF?
Ok, yes, technically legal. And yes some people do this. However, morally? What type of person purposefully causes more pain and anguish just because they can.
T, do you try to hit a nerve? Most folks around here are the unwilling recipient of such WAS behaviour. The walk away spouse did just that - walked away. Walked away from their marriage and from their vows. They didn’t work on the marriage, and they won’t end it amicable. And their ex is the lousy person? Pretty sure their (ex)spouse would say different, and so do the actions of these WAS’s.
Friends? No way man! They’d not be with me. Oh, if you pay more maybe I’ll sign, otherwise wait a few more years. What a messed up person. Karma will strike! One cannot go around dealing out such behaviour without comeuppance. My goodness what a world view and value system they’d create and/or have. To knowingly hold another person’s closure hostage. A person who they promised to cherish and such, you know - for better or worse. Yep, keep telling themselves who is lousy and who deserves such treatment. What a narrative they spin. Actions speak louder.
Like I said, legally acceptable. And I’m sure their lawyers are correct that this temporary situation is more lucrative. Man oh man, no way my friends would do that. Because they’d not be friends anymore. My friends reflect my values too. Respect, trust, honour, responsibility, accountability, sincerity, and such.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Whoa D, hold your horses. She may not be using the term "WAS" the way we do here. If those people left spouses who were abusive, had gambling or drinking problems or were cheaters, they could be perfectly justified in trying to maintain the best financial position for themselves (and possibly their children).
kas was talking about her H, the pending divorce, and the associated fears. She wasn’t speaking about WAS’s. And this justification talk is not what I understand her situation to be. Her H could be construed to be a WAS, she is not. And she certainly is not holding up the process.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Ok, then TRaveller still may have been talking about women who left abusive or alcoholic spouses. This is really different from most of the WASs here.
And the truth is that there are three reasons why WASs don't get the divorce done. One is they're just too busy in lalaland and can't be bothered to do the grunt work (hoping for the zipless divorce). Another reason is that it financially benefits them not to get divorced. The third is that by staying married, they have an excuse as to why they can't marry the affair partner.
k, yes, technically legal. And yes some people do this. However, morally? What type of person purposefully causes more pain and anguish just because they can.
The type who prioritizes themselves and their children over an ex. At least for me and my friends, causing our ex's anguish wasn't the motivator. It took years for me to be close enough to my ex to realize how much a lack of closure bothered her, and to be close enough to prioritize soothing her feelings when finalizing cost money and did nothing for me.
Originally Posted by DnJ
T, do you try to hit a nerve?
I share where "normal" WAS come from when it seems LBS are shocked or confused by their behavior. By "normal" I mean the other side of a broken relationship. MLCrs and serial cheaters are truly aliens to me. I should've added a "WAS Perspective" trigger warning. No, I did not intend to strike a nerve with you. Peace, DnJ.
Originally Posted by DnJ
And their ex is the lousy person? Pretty sure their (ex)spouse would say different,
Sure. Villainizing an ex is common, whether you're a WAS or LBS.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Friends? No way man! They’d not be with me. Oh, if you pay more maybe I’ll sign, otherwise wait a few more years. What a messed up person. Karma will strike!
DnJ, I get that comes from a place of pain. My friend awoke one day to an FBI raid and discovered her H was a dangerous felon. Choice #1 was to stay, leave with 50/50 custody, or leave with 100% custody--she took 100% custody. Choice #2 was to prioritize his feelings by finalizing the divorce, or prioritize her daughter's feelings by keeping the family home--she chose her daughter. Karma did strike in a way--her church took up a collection to pay her legal fees and keep it in limbo. I get he sees her as an evil lady who keeps her from his daughter and won't divide the house so he could buy another.
Originally Posted by DnJ
My friends reflect my values too. Respect, trust, honour, responsibility, accountability, sincerity, and such.
This friend reflects my values. I'm glad your friends reflect yours.
k, yes, technically legal. And yes some people do this. However, morally? What type of person purposefully causes more pain and anguish just because they can.
The type who prioritizes themselves and their children over an ex. At least for me and my friends, causing our ex's anguish wasn't the motivator. It took years for me to be close enough to my ex to realize how much a lack of closure bothered her, and to be close enough to prioritize soothing her feelings when finalizing cost money and did nothing for me.
And then there's the person who says to their spouse that it is perfectly ok to take care of themselves and cause as much damage as possible in the process, and oh well, the kid is just collateral damage.
Is there such a thing as a normal WAS? I think not. It's my opinion, feel free to disagree, but that is what I've observed in others and lived through myself.
I am entitled to my own $.02
KAS, hang in there, a moment at a time if necessary, on the bad days. You will get through this, I promise.
This is a divorce busting forum. Most of us came here to find a way to save our marriages, not walk away from them in a "normal" fashion, whatever that means.
And as for the WAS trigger warning perhaps it would be wiser to know your audience a bit more.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
The obvious question for the WAS is "Why bother?". I have two friends who are WAS (to lousy ex's) and have no plans to finalize their divorces, because their attorneys say the temporary settlement is better than the long-term settlement. If their ex's value the closure of that piece of paper, they'll have to sweeten the long-term settlement, or wait a few more years.
WTF?
I gotta say I had the same reaction as DnJ. Traveler's comment really came across poorly. The FBI raid a secretly felon spouse is a bit of an extreme outlier, no? There context here is kml's thread whose H has been living with OW for three years and is actively fighting not to divorce her. Using time and the LBS's need for closure as leverage for a bigger financial win is just another example of selfishness...along with breaking their vows and living with his affair partner.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
