Some people are not a good fit for each other. You say you didn't enjoy her company as she was--you wanted her to change and sacrifice to fulfill your needs. One of the more useful exercises a marriage counselor had me and my ex do was list down all the NEEDS we were asking our partners to fulfill. The MC's point was there shouldn't be so many! Have you now figured out how to satisfy most of your needs yourself, or are you struggling without a partner?
My needs were actually quite basic I feel and completely normal. I wanted to grow in intimacy with my spouse - emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Even Michele says in her book that a marriage without sexual intimacy is doomed (Overcoming Passion Meltdown chapter). Like I said, she compartmentalized me to fit me into her life. Me nor the marriage were ever a priority. I tried to bring these up as issues and she stonewalled me constantly. Interestingly enough, she wrote me one letter before she moved out (in which she confessed to kissing AP...I think purely out of guilt), but in it she stated that "I (being the OP) dont ask for much". Really my desire was to have a normal healthy marriage. I didn't ask for that much in the relationship. But I guess it was still too much for her. In marriage, I was seeking someone to be my best friend... for life. She was that person before we got married but then came the bait and switch.
Quote
A starting point might be identifying and owning your mistakes. She owns her affair, but defining your wife as "unpleasable" puts the onus for the broken marriage that preceded it on her as well. By this I don't mean a hand-waving, "Blame is usually 50/50" or "I didn't value what I had". Where did you go wrong? What have you been consistent doing differently since? This sort of introspection and self-improvement helps get back together and helps move on.
I mean, the only thing I can thing of is to approach her and apologize for pressuring her after she separated and ask what I need to change for her to think about recommitting to working on our marriage. But even that to me feels like its more cheese-less tunnel eg continuing to pursue her.
