Joshua, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I can relate so much to it and can empathize completely. It must be a tough time and it has gone on for a while it sounds like. So please, first take some deep breaths and try to slow down and relax a bit. You've probably been running at this at 100 mph since it all started.
First, do not blame MC or the MC for their methods. MC NEVER works with a spouse that is not committed to it. Even if the MC had given you actions and homework, more than likely she would have refused to do it. Her heart wasn't in it. Your MC probably detected very early on that she had 1 and 1/2 fee out of the door and realized that "actionable steps" were futile. Most LBSs immediately jump to MC to try to save the marriage, but the truth is that once the D bomb is dropped, it is too late for MC.
Good to know. I wish the MC would have been a little more upfront with me if they thought that. I got those vibes from the very first session that my spouse wasn't invested, but I was holding out hope. The D bomb wasn't dropped until the end of the 4 months of counseling, but the implication was there way before we even started MC, which is why I was in panic mode throughout the whole thing and basically did everything the DR book says not to do. Wish I had had this book before all this.
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I also detect a bit of Nice Guy, I don't deserve this thinking. I would recommend reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. NGS is not a healthy way to approach relationships and other people. You might find the book useful for your go forward.
I've had this on my list to read so I will check it out. Without having read it, though, I wouldn't necessarily say I have NGS from what I've heard generally about it. Definitely let way too many things slide in the relationship that were generally unacceptable though.
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As far as what you do, well, the question I have is how patient do you want to be? You've waited over a year so far, how long are you willing to wait? Likely she is dating and seeing other people, probably the AP. The fact that you keep reaching out tells her "I can get Joshua back any time I want to." Plan B is not a fun thing to be. So my recommendation is to remove yourself as Plan B, that starts by NOT contacting her anymore.
I'm at the end of my rope, unfortunately. It's been a year and we've talked all of maybe 3 times over the past year. The only way to completely remove myself as plan B is to get the divorce. But I still want to try to snap her out of the divorce trap, but I don't realistically think its going to happen coming from me. Like I said though, due to religious convictions I have not dated anyone and I really want to get on with my life in this area.
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Then you go out a live an awesome life. That is why the DBing advice is to GAL. GAL is your top priority right now. You do not do it to try to get her back, or to show her, you just go live your awesome life. If she takes note through friends and family, great. If not, great to that too! Then you keep working on you. Become the best version of yourself that you can. You tried MC. I would suggest instead IC. Get a good IC and go to work on becoming the best Joshua you can be! And then you have to work on emotional detachment. Detaching emotionally from what she does or doesn't do, what she says or doesn't say is the goal here. The goal is that if she never reaches out to you again, great. If she does, that is ok too, but you will remain emotionally even through all of it!
I know GAL is for me and not for her, but unfortunately GAL will ultimately not be noticed by her. I dont have any contact with her friends or family, and she started cutting me out of her life before she physically separated. She's already moved on and has most likely erased me from her memory.
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Finally, one thing that helped me in my sitch was to set a drop dead date. A date that if she didn't recommit back to the marriage, and hadn't filed for D herself, then I would go file for D and move forward with my life! I highly suggest that for you. I set it 1 year past BD, but your situation is a bit different. How much longer are you willing to wait? A month? 6 months? A year? Figure that out, set a drop dead date, and when that date come you go file for D.
I'm pretty much at the point where if she shows no interest in the slightest, I am not going to commit any more effort in trying to get her to stay. But part of moving on with my life is the need to be divorced. I have given it as much time as I can. The only way I would commit more time to it is if, through some last resort, she showed an interest in keeping the marriage together. Thats why I am trying to gather ideas to approach her before telling her to go ahead and file.
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One red flag I do is is that she was awfully young when she was in a serious committed relationship. If my math is right she was 20 when you started dating? 22-23 when you got married. That is very young especially in today's world. She has a lot of maturing to do, and she may wake up one day and realize that she walked away from the best dude she ever knew. Or she may just move on and never look back. Life is short though, and I would highly suggest you do not wait for her for too long. I am 53. 34-53 flew by! So decide how long you are willing to wait, then realize you did all you could do and move forward with your life.
Perhaps. But she also led me on to believe she was way more emotionally intelligent than she turned out to be. There were a lot of other red flags other than age that I dismissed to my own demise. Definitely a life lesson for me.
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Finally, understand that you will be ok. We have a sticky thread here entitled, You Will Not Die. Please read it. There is life even after D.
