To be honest, I haven't "done" anything differently. Again, my time has been super slowed with the development of a pulmonary embolism. Our weather here is super crappy and I absolutely cannot risk getting out right now and falling or hurting myself. I am transitioning to my lower dose next week, so I should be able to do more things, as well as start back working my PT job as well, and that usually has me out until he is asleep when I get home. I realize that my actions are not in line with many of the things that I have read. It is SO hard for me. I DON'T know how to not take care of people. That is my profession and that is what I have done with him for 11 years. I do not engage in conversations with him, ask him what he is doing or where he is going. Again, I do not go to the basement unless I did cook and tell him it's done OR I am doing laundry. Which is in a separate room. I go down, wash/dry and leave without speaking or having superficial conversation. He does offer up information to me, like, I've been called into work or I have to go here.......there.....etc. I have noticed that at night time, I hear him talking on the phone. I have SERIOUSLY even contemplated putting a voice recorder in the area to see if he is talking to someone else. I feel like ANYTHING other than "we don't work" would give me the validity to move forward with sinking into a deep depression. I am trying. I have friend coming in from back home tomorrow and we are going out and I am going to a friends house tomorrow night for a girls night. This struggle bus is REAL for me. As, I am sure it was for every single person in here. I just absolutely do not KNOW how to break the true pursuer cycle. Not that I am running him down; but big picture. I am really trying more meditation, positive affirmations and reading a TON. AND, although our problems have been mounting for years and there is NO excuse for the verbal and emotional abuse (which has been hard for me to grasp.....I seriously tried to figure out what I was doing to deserve that and to stop doing whatever I was doing to make him so angry), it is still very "new" and raw and I am trying to figure out what my new normal looks like. I really feel like if he were out of the house I could begin healing; on the flip side of that, just like Steve said.....I think that I would spend countless hours wondering where he was, who he was with and what he was doing. :-(
