Hello all, new here. I'll try to use acronyms where possible, but still learning some of the lingo.
I just finished Michele's Book, `The Divorce Remedy`, per the recommendation of my pastor. I'm still at a loss as to how to apply the principles of the book to my situation.
A little background, my spouse walked away from our marriage after confessing that she was unhappy, while being engaged in an emotional affair with another man.
Michele's book was enlightening and I totally understand how I drove her further away after she separated and my actions did not help. We did 4 months of counseling but she refused to cut off her relationship with the AP, and our counselor was not helpful. After reading Michele's book, I can see why it didn't work and why I was frustrated with the counseling we received.
From the get-go, I'm fairly certain my spouse had already made up her mind that she wanted to get out of the marriage, so her commitment to working through our problems was nonexistent. I think she just went to try to feel better about herself and absolve her of her guilt. I truly wanted to work on things. But instead of being solution oriented, the counseling we received was just trying to get at the root of our relationship problems. But our marriage was already on the brink and needed immediate, actionable steps to take to turn it around.
After I found out she was still seeing the AP 4 months into counseling, she said she wanted to divorce and sent me papers to sign. I didn't sign them. I don't know why she hasn't filed and had me served (I have theories), but we are a year out from that and have no contact. I have tried several times to reach out to her but she is not interested in reconciling.
She is a very hard hearted person, treats change like a 4-letter word, and is stubborn. I don't see her changing in the least. I know change starts with me, but honestly, most of the marriage books, including Michele's, that I have read, my behavior has been in line with most of the general principles that make a good, happy marriage. But I think there are some people you just can't please and my wife is one of them. I sacrificed and compromised a lot for her in the marriage, but she could never reciprocate and was unwilling to fulfill my needs (paraphrasing what my counselor said).
I think it's impossible for a marriage to survive when one of the spouses is just entirely uncommitted to making the marriage and their spouse their priority. It kills friendships, trust, communication, and intimacy. This is all I was ever trying to build with my spouse, but she stonewalled me the entire marriage and things like her parents, her friends, and her AP were way more important than me or the marriage. She tried to compartmentalize me to fit into her life and I, predictably, resented her for it and reacted to her in unhealthy ways. I totally admit that. But I fought every day to love her as best I could and be patient. In the end, it wasn't enough and I wasn't enough for her. She never wanted to take responsibility for the ways she treated me. I believe now that she never really loved me (in the truest sense of the word). Am I off base in my thinking that you just can't please some people and that some marriages will never work unless both people truly resolve to be faithful to their wedding vows?
So here I am, still holding on to hope that she will return to the marriage but with each passing day, my hopes are dashed. I have no expectation that she will ever return of her own accord. She has rewritten history and is moving on with her life, erasing me from her memory.
I'm at a loss with how to approach her. I still want to save our marriage because I made a commitment on our wedding day for better or for worse, but I also can't live my life waiting for her. I haven't dated other people because we are still married and my religious conviction is that until she divorces me, I am still obligated to be faithful to the marriage. I also don't want to give her any ammunition where she could put any blame on me for the divorce before God (Biblically speaking, she has no scriptural ground for divorce)
Should I just tell her to go ahead and file? How would you approach the situation if you wanted to try one last time to save the marriage?
