Hello all, new here. I'll try to use acronyms where possible, but still learning some of the lingo.
I just finished Michele's Book, `The Divorce Remedy`, per the recommendation of my pastor. I'm still at a loss as to how to apply the principles of the book to my situation.
A little background, my spouse walked away from our marriage after confessing that she was unhappy, while being engaged in an emotional affair with another man.
Michele's book was enlightening and I totally understand how I drove her further away after she separated and my actions did not help. We did 4 months of counseling but she refused to cut off her relationship with the AP, and our counselor was not helpful. After reading Michele's book, I can see why it didn't work and why I was frustrated with the counseling we received.
From the get-go, I'm fairly certain my spouse had already made up her mind that she wanted to get out of the marriage, so her commitment to working through our problems was nonexistent. I think she just went to try to feel better about herself and absolve her of her guilt. I truly wanted to work on things. But instead of being solution oriented, the counseling we received was just trying to get at the root of our relationship problems. But our marriage was already on the brink and needed immediate, actionable steps to take to turn it around.
After I found out she was still seeing the AP 4 months into counseling, she said she wanted to divorce and sent me papers to sign. I didn't sign them. I don't know why she hasn't filed and had me served (I have theories), but we are a year out from that and have no contact. I have tried several times to reach out to her but she is not interested in reconciling.
She is a very hard hearted person, treats change like a 4-letter word, and is stubborn. I don't see her changing in the least. I know change starts with me, but honestly, most of the marriage books, including Michele's, that I have read, my behavior has been in line with most of the general principles that make a good, happy marriage. But I think there are some people you just can't please and my wife is one of them. I sacrificed and compromised a lot for her in the marriage, but she could never reciprocate and was unwilling to fulfill my needs (paraphrasing what my counselor said).
I think it's impossible for a marriage to survive when one of the spouses is just entirely uncommitted to making the marriage and their spouse their priority. It kills friendships, trust, communication, and intimacy. This is all I was ever trying to build with my spouse, but she stonewalled me the entire marriage and things like her parents, her friends, and her AP were way more important than me or the marriage. She tried to compartmentalize me to fit into her life and I, predictably, resented her for it and reacted to her in unhealthy ways. I totally admit that. But I fought every day to love her as best I could and be patient. In the end, it wasn't enough and I wasn't enough for her. She never wanted to take responsibility for the ways she treated me. I believe now that she never really loved me (in the truest sense of the word). Am I off base in my thinking that you just can't please some people and that some marriages will never work unless both people truly resolve to be faithful to their wedding vows?
So here I am, still holding on to hope that she will return to the marriage but with each passing day, my hopes are dashed. I have no expectation that she will ever return of her own accord. She has rewritten history and is moving on with her life, erasing me from her memory.
I'm at a loss with how to approach her. I still want to save our marriage because I made a commitment on our wedding day for better or for worse, but I also can't live my life waiting for her. I haven't dated other people because we are still married and my religious conviction is that until she divorces me, I am still obligated to be faithful to the marriage. I also don't want to give her any ammunition where she could put any blame on me for the divorce before God (Biblically speaking, she has no scriptural ground for divorce)
Should I just tell her to go ahead and file? How would you approach the situation if you wanted to try one last time to save the marriage?
Joshua, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I can relate so much to it and can empathize completely. It must be a tough time and it has gone on for a while it sounds like. So please, first take some deep breaths and try to slow down and relax a bit. You've probably been running at this at 100 mph since it all started.
First, do not blame MC or the MC for their methods. MC NEVER works with a spouse that is not committed to it. Even if the MC had given you actions and homework, more than likely she would have refused to do it. Her heart wasn't in it. Your MC probably detected very early on that she had 1 and 1/2 fee out of the door and realized that "actionable steps" were futile. Most LBSs immediately jump to MC to try to save the marriage, but the truth is that once the D bomb is dropped, it is too late for MC.
I also detect a bit of Nice Guy, I don't deserve this thinking. I would recommend reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. NGS is not a healthy way to approach relationships and other people. You might find the book useful for your go forward.
As far as what you do, well, the question I have is how patient do you want to be? You've waited over a year so far, how long are you willing to wait? Likely she is dating and seeing other people, probably the AP. The fact that you keep reaching out tells her "I can get Joshua back any time I want to." Plan B is not a fun thing to be. So my recommendation is to remove yourself as Plan B, that starts by NOT contacting her anymore.
Then you go out a live an awesome life. That is why the DBing advice is to GAL. GAL is your top priority right now. You do not do it to try to get her back, or to show her, you just go live your awesome life. If she takes note through friends and family, great. If not, great to that too! Then you keep working on you. Become the best version of yourself that you can. You tried MC. I would suggest instead IC. Get a good IC and go to work on becoming the best Joshua you can be! And then you have to work on emotional detachment. Detaching emotionally from what she does or doesn't do, what she says or doesn't say is the goal here. The goal is that if she never reaches out to you again, great. If she does, that is ok too, but you will remain emotionally even through all of it!
Finally, one thing that helped me in my sitch was to set a drop dead date. A date that if she didn't recommit back to the marriage, and hadn't filed for D herself, then I would go file for D and move forward with my life! I highly suggest that for you. I set it 1 year past BD, but your situation is a bit different. How much longer are you willing to wait? A month? 6 months? A year? Figure that out, set a drop dead date, and when that date come you go file for D.
One red flag I do is is that she was awfully young when she was in a serious committed relationship. If my math is right she was 20 when you started dating? 22-23 when you got married. That is very young especially in today's world. She has a lot of maturing to do, and she may wake up one day and realize that she walked away from the best dude she ever knew. Or she may just move on and never look back. Life is short though, and I would highly suggest you do not wait for her for too long. I am 53. 34-53 flew by! So decide how long you are willing to wait, then realize you did all you could do and move forward with your life.
Finally, understand that you will be ok. We have a sticky thread here entitled, You Will Not Die. Please read it. There is life even after D.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 07:23 AM. Me-67, D35,S34
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok so I am going to be honest with you here. First and foremost it takes two to make a marriage work and right now she is not onboard and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change her mind right now.
You have been separated for a year and a half with no movement so I think you have to ask yourself how long can I wait on her.
Lastly, it sounds like you want kids and sacrificed that for her. That is a really big decision you need to think about. The could lead to major regrets down the road.
Really think about those things and we can help you with whatever direction you decide.
I found out she was still seeing the AP 4 months into counseling,
I'm sorry your partner was unfaithful, and the type to slide onto another partner rather than face your marital issues. After so long apart, your odds are long. Many people here willing to help.
Originally Posted by Joshua
I don't know why she hasn't filed and had me served (I have theories),
The simplest explanation is, there's no benefit to her in doing so. I mean, this is why I and other WAS I know--with lousy ex's, of course ;)--waited years to finalize.
Originally Posted by Joshua
Should I just tell her to go ahead and file?
No, try not to tell others what to do, that's controlling. If you want a divorce, you can talk to your attorney and either a) file or b) sign and return the papers she sent you.
Originally Posted by Joshua
I think there are some people you just can't please and my wife is one of them. I sacrificed and compromised a lot for her in the marriage, but she could never reciprocate and was unwilling to fulfill my needs
I agree. Some people are not a good fit for each other. You say you didn't enjoy her company as she was--you wanted her to change and sacrifice to fulfill your needs. One of the more useful exercises a marriage counselor had me and my ex do was list down all the NEEDS we were asking our partners to fulfill. The MC's point was there shouldn't be so many! Have you now figured out how to satisfy most of your needs yourself, or are you struggling without a partner?
Originally Posted by Joshua
She has rewritten history and is moving on with her life, erasing me from her memory. I also don't want to give her any ammunition where she could put any blame on me for the divorce before God
You don't control her narrative. You only control your actions.
Originally Posted by Joshua
I think there are some people you just can't please and my wife is one of them. How would you approach the situation if you wanted to try one last time to save the marriage?
A starting point might be identifying and owning your mistakes. She owns her affair, but defining your wife as "unpleasable" puts the onus for the broken marriage that preceded it on her as well. By this I don't mean a hand-waving, "Blame is usually 50/50" or "I didn't value what I had". Where did you go wrong? What have you been consistent doing differently since? This sort of introspection and self-improvement helps get back together and helps move on.
