Thank you so much for your words this morning. I have been struggling with all of this and trying to wrap my head around it. Finding this site and reading through the post really started to make me see that I have not been crazy with thinking there is something more going on with my H.
E - Yes I have support system, my sister C, my good friend K, two of my brothers, have all been great listening to me and being there to get my out and moving. But there focus is getting the D ASAP and me moving on. I get it, they don't want to see the pain. Don't get me wrong they are great with me and I have been leaning on all of them. A few mutual male friends from M, I have are just poking around to see when I am ready....like thats going to happen..
We do not have any children, we got M when I was 33 and H was 29. We started trying shortly after that. Fertility drugs, and 2 miscarriages later, I started early menopause at 40.
B- Yes, it is hard to accept that my M is over. But I hold onto hope that we can rebuild a new one. I don't know where this road is going, or how I will feel when/if I get to the otherside, how I will feel then. Over the years H has had a reoccuring dream, that sticks out to me as ominous now. He would wake up in the middle of the night and grab onto me for dear life. He would dream that he was trying to reach me or talk to me. But each time he had this same dream, over and over throughout the years, he could not get to me and I would not hear him or talk to him. He would wake me up to tell me each time, and each time I would tell him.. that will never happen because I love you and would never turn my back on you..weird right...
I am trying to eat, but it has not been healthy, hard to shop for food for one. I am down 25 pounds, thanks to this MLC, started to work out to a bit and get in shape. Funny how the weight just fell off in a few months when I have been trying for years to drop some weight, but no amount of working out or dieting ever worked. Want to join a gym, but will have to push that back as I have surgery this coming Monday, nothing major.
I am currently unemployed as of October 2021. Had a 25 plus years, good career, made good money. We knew that my job would be ending and had planned for me to either not work anymore or just take part time work so we could start to enjoy more time together. Right now, ATTY recommends that I do not go back to work yet. I have recently signed up to volunteer at the animal rescue center that I got my boys from. That starts in mid February and I am looking forward to being around all the animals, which can be good and bad. Going to have to stop myself from turning into the crazy cat lady...lol
D- My H has always been somewhat immature, we both kind of were, I chalked that up to not having any children. He has always been a drinker, but now he has taken that to Defcon 10. He is out there running himself into the ground...from Thursday night to Monday night, he is out drinking, partying, going to bars, concerts, you name it, he is there, along with a new group of younger friends who think he is just the bomb....This is how he was in his early 20's when I first ment him, center of attention, party is his middle name, he is Mr. Fun, good times, lets get wasted. And OW is the same way, together they are going to kill each other.
He has a great job, that he loves and makes a great living, as of now he is still working and I think/hope he doesn't screw it up. For a man who went to the school of hard knox, as H likes to say, he has been very successful with the company he is at. He has/was always been proud of the life we have built with each other. I sometimes wonder if the money he is making now has gone to his head as right now he is throughing it around.
He is in IC, started this last September, when he started he told me that he brought up MLC to his counsler, but she did not believe in MLC. He has not told me much about the sessions, I stopped asking, because it just upset him. And what he has told me is questionable. He is still going, I can see it on our insurance, thats the only reason I know.
I was in the ER last Thursday night, after getting home on Friday morning I was pretty out of it all day. That was the day he realized that I had transferred the money. His last text to me on Friday was " I just need some peace and quiet". So I have not text him since. He text me on Monday and asked how I was doing, and asked me to let him know when my surgery is scheduled for. I kept my responsed short and to the point. He knows I had a appointment yesterday to schedule the surgery and I have not text him any info yet... Should I let him know when it is???
Also I have our papers for taxex ready that he will need to file for this last year, so at some point I need to let him know I have everything ready. He is still being somewhat responsible.
Thank you all, I am so happy to find you all..... S
