Yes, we all hesitate before posting, fearing the worse I suppose, and then discover how helpful and healing getting it out really is.
H certainly had some emotional turmoil while growing up.
19 year old H seeking his birth father and wanted to confront why Dad threw him away. Yet fear held him back.
His Mom’s second marriage fell apart and young H blamed her. Being so young, he didn’t understand and likely blamed himself as well. In honesty, I suspect young H fully blamed himself. Kids are very ego-centric, the world revolves around them. Everything in their world is because of their actions. And when something really bad happens, they blame themselves. Kids are emotional immature and without guidance they get off course in a big way.
H’s male role model being a strict military man who is feared and respected is in and of itself not a terrible thing. However, that same father figure later discovered to be a “ladies man” would rip out H’s underpinnings and foundation of being a “good” man. Estrangement of his Dad illustrates even more unresolved past.
Like you, my parents are still together. They welcomed W with open arms, much like your parents did for H. Loved and respected. All is good for many years. Those past traumatic events buried.
Unfortunately, that which is buried alive will later haunt.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I know that he is in pain, and I have tried to talk with him about what is broken inside of him, but he just gets angry with me and says nothing is wrong with me...stop saying something is wrong with me... It just pisses me off... (I know I should not have done that now )
Inside H’s mind, he cannot be wrong. Past wounds are surfacing. Things that he could not face before and now needs to grow strong enough to face.
That is a most difficult road. We all have a mid life transition. Unreconciled events we confront and utilizing an emotionally healthy coping mechanism we work through it. For some one who has had such a painful youth, their coping mechanism, their ability to work through it, is broken. These emotions flood them, and they run.
Running is the most common displayed behaviour of a person in crisis. They are completely ruled by their emotions, and they run from their pain. They will try and do anything to make themselves feel young again. Drugs, booze, spending, affairs, illicit activity. They are a rebellious teenager with an adult bank roll.
Attempting to point out what is truly going on within H will end in disaster. MLCer’s will run. And anyone and everyone who gets in their way will be mowed down.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I just wanted him to know that I am your wife, I love you, and I will hold your hand through this and we will get through this together. Which I have actually said to him. I have also asked him to get his own place so he has room to think and be alone for some time. But he is refusing to do that.
Ok, you’ve told him you love him. Now stop repeating it.
Relationship stuff is extreme pressure to one consumed by crisis. H is consumed by his pain. H cannot take on your emotions, he can’t even handle his own. His emotions are cranked to eleven!
H knows you. Knows you’re his wife. And yet, he is driven to do the things he is doing. And he hates himself for it.
No R talks. It only pushes him away.
Originally Posted by Stella20
My heart is shattered, my world has been destroyed, he is my best friend. I miss him so much, he has been in my life almost everyday for 27 years and now I haven't seen him in over 2 months. We did everything together, now I have to watch him do everything with the OW via social media. Its killing me to watch him destroy the life that he and I worked so hard to build together.
I am truly sorry my dear. I do empathize and understand what you are going through. My W destroy our marriage. I knew her for 31 years and she became the opposite in almost every measure.
Focus on yourself. I am surmising no kids.
H needs time and space. And he will take it, if it is not given.
MLCers are angry and hurt. They wrongly project upon and blame us LBS. Sure we all have faults, accept only what you are responsible for.
Hopefully, with space and time, the MLCer realizes that they are still angry and hurt and confused and running, and their spouse hasn’t been involved. Then hopefully, they piece together that therefore their spouse cannot be cause of their pain. And then, even more hopefully, they will look inward and start really figuring out their trauma.
This is not a sprint, it is a marathon.
MLC is a horrible cruel thing and I’d not wish it upon my worst enemy.
Stella, there is nothing you can do to speed it up. At best, your efforts would be neutral, most often our efforts only delay things. H has to walk his path at his pace.
We all require a certain level of understanding before we can let go. Read, ask questions, post, vent, and focus on you.
You will make it.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
