I hope I am posting this in the right forum. From what I have been reading I think my H is in a MLC. I will try to condense the story My H & I were friends for 7 years before we started dating. We had (I thought) a wonderful life together, traveled, enjoyed hobbies with each other, always talked about our dreams for our future. What retirement would look like, etc.. He was my BFF. My family loved him, he was the favorite uncle and all around great man. Honest, loving, caring, full of integraty and treated me great. I always said he spoiled me and I was blessed to have such a great man. H was always concerned about planning for our retirement and making sure all of our fianaces are squared away and we are sitting nice to have a great life.
His Grandmother took ill in the spring of 2020 and passed in December 2020. When she had to go into assitt living, H said to me that she will never come home again. They were always very close, she was his rock and raised him for alot of his life. He was very close to her, said she was his person. She was a wonderful lady. He did not show much emotion when she passed. H & I had to clean out her home, which I think was harder on me than him. Also during this time, my FIL was losing his battle with cancer, and MIL is busy with all of the hospital visits around that. FIL passed away in July of 2021
And now, completed blindsided, NO ONE saw this coming, completely different person, Alien.
Husband started EA in November of 2020, turned PA in May 2021. Started acting off in May after coming home from a trip, and when I asked if something was wrong, he would just say he was busy at work and had alot on his mind. In June I had had enough of his withdrawing from me and everything felt off. I confronted him and he admitted to the A. Said he had not been happy for 5 years and the A just happened and it just snowballed out of controll. Said he felt broken and lost. Said our life and I were boring. We decided to work it out, at least thats what I thought. Everything out of the cheaters handbook, rewriting history, lying, stonewalling, gaslighting. Took A underground I have no idea how he keep it all straight.
He started drinking every day and alot, like passing out on the couch 4 nights a week, alot. Verbally and emotionally abusive, starting fights all the time. BD2 in August, I told him to leave or stop A. Had not given us a chance with A going. Agreed to stop A. Just took if farther underground. BD3 12/2. Said he tried getting connection back but could not. Never stopped A. Left our home and went straight to OW's and has been there since.
OW (48 years old)is also married and on her 3 A with my H, had moved away from her H in August to the new love pad. Found out that OW and H were making out in a bar weekend before he left me in front of all of H & I mutual friends, and not the first time it happened.
When we talk he does not say much, what he does say is confusing. I will admit I have done everything wrong, begged, pleaded, tryed to talk rationally, texting, calling etc. with him. For first 2 weeks when I asked him if he wanted a D he would say he did not know. A bit latter asked if he would come home and work on our R he said he would not be in it 100%. Never asked for a D. Said he had a A and fell in love and these things happen. Said he was going to get his own place, which turned into, OW and him see no reason for him to get his own place. Took OW on Vacation over New years for a week. OW & H have been running all over very publicly flaunting there R to all of our friends very publicly.
I filed D papers last week of December, and transfered half of our money into my account. When H got the papers, he asked me why did you file already..?? I told him that I did not want a D, I want our M, but I don't know what he is going to do with our assests and I am trying to protect what I can. He said he would not do anything with our money (vacation he took and did not tell me...). Court for temp order is end of March.
We text more than talk on the phone, 2 weeks ago I was texting him about some memories of our life and he said "yes we had a great life" we were having a good text dialoge. I sent him pictures of our 2 male cats and he said "I miss the boys" I told him I was thinging of going to my parents for a few days and asked if he would want to come over and feed them, and he said he would like that. A week later that changed, its like he discusses everything with the OW and she will not let him stop at the house, even though she has been to her H house 4 times since my H has moved in and I think she slept with her H 2 weeks ago.
I just had a trip to the ER last week and had text my H from the ER that I had to call 911 and was in the ER. The next morning he called me and I told what had happened. I was scared thought I was having a heart attack, turned out to be my gall bladder. He acted like it was no big deal, not any concern for me at all. We texted back and forth on Friday, until he went to bank to deposit a check and realized that I had transfered money, he called me and was very angry, I asked him to stop by and talk, but he could not. I text him later that I could come to where he was and he told me not to and his last text on Friday was "I just need peace and quiet" I did not text him anymore after that. On Monday morning I get a text from him asking how I was feeling, and ask me to let him know when I was having the surgery to remove my gall bladder. Appointment was today I did not text him to tell him when it is scheduled.
Anyway there is alot more, but this already got away from me. This is not my H, in the 27 years I have known him he has never acted like this heartless a**hole that is wearing his skin. He acts fine around his/our friends, and just tells them he hasn't been happy for 5, 4, 2 years and he fell in love. Has also told me that the OW is special, they have a special relationship, she has showed him a new way to live. She is such a nice person(vomit in my mouth seriously)
I want to stand for my M, but my hope is dwindling and I am feeling lost. I love my H, not the monster he is right now, but the man he was for 27 years. He does say he misses me and the cats, and our life, and that he still loves me. The only time I can talk or text him is when he is at work away from the OW.
Any help would be great, like I said , I know I have done everything wrong already..
A few more thoughts, since I am on a roll... The night he left I got this from H.... I tried to get our connection back but I can't (never stopped the A to give it a chance)... I need to leave you so you can heal, You deserve better than me, you can have the house I want you to have it, We had a great life together and lots of great memories I will never forget that, I will always care about you, will always have love for you
When talking about our R after he left... how would we even fix this, how could we ever come back from this, why do you even want to be with me, I am not a bad person, nothing is wrong with my head, your family hates me now,We had a great life together and lots of great memories I will never forget that, I will always care about you, will always have love for you
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I know how painful and confusion it all is.
This is a wonderful safe place. There are many fine people here with much hard earned wisdom.
Breathe. Just breathe. You will get through this. (((Hugs)))
It is good that you have been reading. As you have probably discovered MLC is a terrible thing. It sounds like your H displays many traits and behaviours that correlate with a person in crisis. A completely different person, an alien, confused, uncaring, and of course an affair.
A mid life crisis is about the MLCer; not their spouse. Realize that. H’s pain and running is because of some trauma(s) that occurred when he was young. Long before you ever even met him. Those long ago terrible events likely happened from a person in a position of authority over young child H.
As a child, they are incapable of understanding or coping with what happen. They are far too emotionally immature to understand such horrible things. That pain gets buried in their young psyche, and forgotten about.
Then around midlife, the pressures of career, mortality, kids growing up, empty nest, aging parents, dying parents or grandparents, and so on, whatever it may be, triggers something inside them. The long ago trauma(s), pain, and torment bursts forth. And this time it will not be denied!
The forgotten trauma(s), these demons, ceaselessly torment the poor soul. It eats away, driving them further and further. They do not understand or know, why or what is happening to them. Their lives become driven by their painful emotions.
Such a troubled life demands a reason; and they will find one. Realize the MLCer cannot be the cause, seriously they just cannot, their fragile psyche would shatter. Therefore they look for someone to blame. And there we are, their loving spouse, totally unaware of the pain bubbling up from within them. Slowly, it poisons their mind and heart. Until they reach a breaking point and just blow up everything. The bomb drop event.
From initial trigger which digs up their buried past, until BD is usually 18-24 months. When looking back I suspect you will be able to recall H being somewhat off during the last two years.
A few things for you right now, today.
This is not about you.
You did not break H, therefore you cannot fix him.
Once a person enters their crisis, they have to finish it. H is on his timeline. He has unrealized and unreconciled events and pain from his childhood which he needs to work through. These past trauma(s) stunt the emotional development of the person, and they get emotionally dragged back to that time. And they need to grow up from that point.
A MLCer will not listen to any such diagnosis or explanation. To them, the LBS is the cause. Remember, they cannot handle any kind of blame upon themselves. MLCers absolutely believe they have finally found the truth. Yet, they run.
So, breathe. Focus on you.
You have the gift of time, use it well.
Stella, I know and empathize where you are at. Four years ago my W had an affair, and threw away our four children like they were old clothes. Literally stepping over them as they cried on the floor.
You can ask me anything you like. I will support you and give you the best advice I can.
For today, breathe, and know you are among friends. Tomorrow we can discuss standing, dwindling hope, faith, running behaviours, the emotional side of this, the business side of this, and anything else you’d like. Although it will take some time, there is plenty of information.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi DnJ Thank you for responding so fast,I feel like you just threw me a life line. I am crying reading your reply. After reading what you said I remembered that over the years my H has talked to me about his birth father abandoning him at a very young age, his memory of it. His mother was a teen mom and had him at 16. He has not brought it up in many years but has talked with me about how horrible it was and he was too young to understand, on numerous occassions. When he was 19 he found the address for his birth Dad and went to his house, he did not confront him, just sat in his car on the street and decided that he did not want to meet him.
His mother married and that man adopted H, H respected him, he was a strict military man and H respected and feared him, but taught H how to be a "man" in H's words. That marriage ended in D as Dad was a "ladies man". H too young to understand, was mad at his mother and stayed with his Dad. Not sure what happened but Dad ended up moving and H was estranged from Dad and got back in contact with him for our wedding, in 2003. After that I tried to encourage H to reconnect with Dad, because I knew he wanted to show his Dad how good life had turned out for him. Dad moved back to area and they started to reconnect, but Dad died within a month of moving back. I know this was very hard on H.
I grew up in a pretty normal family 3 brothers 1 sister, parents still together going on 60 years. He loved my parents, my Dad treated him like a son, my H respected my family tremendously and would tell me all the time how much he loved being apart of it. Also H was a only child, has 2 step brothers, but fell apart through the years.
I know that he is in pain, and I have tried to talk with him about what is broken inside of him, but he just gets angry with me and says nothing is wrong with me...stop saying something is wrong with me... It just pisses me off... (I know I should not have done that now ) I just wanted him to know that I am your wife, I love you, and I will hold your hand through this and we will get through this together. Which I have actually said to him. I have also asked him to get his own place so he has room to think and be alone for some time. But he is refusing to do that.
My heart is shattered, my world has been destroyed, he is my best friend. I miss him so much, he has been in my life almost everyday for 27 years and now I haven't seen him in over 2 months. We did everything together, now I have to watch him do everything with the OW via social media. Its killing me to watch him destroy the life that he and I worked so hard to build together.
I am glad I finally posted all of this. I really need to talk it all out Thank you!!!!! so much!!
I'm truly sorry for what you have been through so far.
All signs of MLC are unfortunately there, wish however I could tell you it is not.
Very good of you to start sharing your story with people who are going through/went through the same.
You will find the right support here, also find a good friend/relative in your environment who is close to you and will be there to support you. They might not understand, but at the least they can simply be there for you.
I would suggest you'd start reading some stories here to understand the concept of MLC.
Unfortunately, as D stated, this will take time, and you need to think about you now.
Ask anything you want to know. I'll try to help as much as possible.
From what I could state, there are no kids involved?
Hi Stella, Very sorry you are going through this but as D said, you are safe here.
Stella, I'm going to say something that may be very difficult for you: your marriage is over.
Now, that does not mean your relationship with your husband has ended. It means that what was it no more, but what's to come is yet to be determined.
So, how do you get to the what's to come part?
Therein lies the rub: you must focus on you. Look around you. Look at your feet. There you are. That's where you start.
What small thing can you do today to make your current life easier? This may be something as simple as making sure you drink enough water, or eat something healthy. Baby steps will add up. You are allowing him to keep a foot in the marriage by reminding him of the life you had. Better to let him wonder what you're doing. We call this cake eating, and it will not give you what you want.
Read the chapter on MLC in Divorce Remedy. Understand that you have to focus on yourself right now, building a life and protecting your assets (which you've done a good job of thus far). Stay the course. We are here for you.
I understand. I was deeply in love with my husband when he left. Fortunately, I didn't need to watch it unfold on social media. My suggestion is you block them. If friends start to tell you stories of what he's doing, be very firm that you don't want to hear it (of course you want to hear it, but DON'T go down that rabbit hole), you're focusing on yourself right now. Set that boundary, for your own peace.
xo
Last edited by bttrfly; 02/02/2201:38 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yes, we all hesitate before posting, fearing the worse I suppose, and then discover how helpful and healing getting it out really is.
H certainly had some emotional turmoil while growing up.
19 year old H seeking his birth father and wanted to confront why Dad threw him away. Yet fear held him back.
His Mom’s second marriage fell apart and young H blamed her. Being so young, he didn’t understand and likely blamed himself as well. In honesty, I suspect young H fully blamed himself. Kids are very ego-centric, the world revolves around them. Everything in their world is because of their actions. And when something really bad happens, they blame themselves. Kids are emotional immature and without guidance they get off course in a big way.
H’s male role model being a strict military man who is feared and respected is in and of itself not a terrible thing. However, that same father figure later discovered to be a “ladies man” would rip out H’s underpinnings and foundation of being a “good” man. Estrangement of his Dad illustrates even more unresolved past.
Like you, my parents are still together. They welcomed W with open arms, much like your parents did for H. Loved and respected. All is good for many years. Those past traumatic events buried.
Unfortunately, that which is buried alive will later haunt.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I know that he is in pain, and I have tried to talk with him about what is broken inside of him, but he just gets angry with me and says nothing is wrong with me...stop saying something is wrong with me... It just pisses me off... (I know I should not have done that now )
Inside H’s mind, he cannot be wrong. Past wounds are surfacing. Things that he could not face before and now needs to grow strong enough to face.
That is a most difficult road. We all have a mid life transition. Unreconciled events we confront and utilizing an emotionally healthy coping mechanism we work through it. For some one who has had such a painful youth, their coping mechanism, their ability to work through it, is broken. These emotions flood them, and they run.
Running is the most common displayed behaviour of a person in crisis. They are completely ruled by their emotions, and they run from their pain. They will try and do anything to make themselves feel young again. Drugs, booze, spending, affairs, illicit activity. They are a rebellious teenager with an adult bank roll.
Attempting to point out what is truly going on within H will end in disaster. MLCer’s will run. And anyone and everyone who gets in their way will be mowed down.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I just wanted him to know that I am your wife, I love you, and I will hold your hand through this and we will get through this together. Which I have actually said to him. I have also asked him to get his own place so he has room to think and be alone for some time. But he is refusing to do that.
Ok, you’ve told him you love him. Now stop repeating it.
Relationship stuff is extreme pressure to one consumed by crisis. H is consumed by his pain. H cannot take on your emotions, he can’t even handle his own. His emotions are cranked to eleven!
H knows you. Knows you’re his wife. And yet, he is driven to do the things he is doing. And he hates himself for it.
No R talks. It only pushes him away.
Originally Posted by Stella20
My heart is shattered, my world has been destroyed, he is my best friend. I miss him so much, he has been in my life almost everyday for 27 years and now I haven't seen him in over 2 months. We did everything together, now I have to watch him do everything with the OW via social media. Its killing me to watch him destroy the life that he and I worked so hard to build together.
I am truly sorry my dear. I do empathize and understand what you are going through. My W destroy our marriage. I knew her for 31 years and she became the opposite in almost every measure.
Focus on yourself. I am surmising no kids.
H needs time and space. And he will take it, if it is not given.
MLCers are angry and hurt. They wrongly project upon and blame us LBS. Sure we all have faults, accept only what you are responsible for.
Hopefully, with space and time, the MLCer realizes that they are still angry and hurt and confused and running, and their spouse hasn’t been involved. Then hopefully, they piece together that therefore their spouse cannot be cause of their pain. And then, even more hopefully, they will look inward and start really figuring out their trauma.
This is not a sprint, it is a marathon.
MLC is a horrible cruel thing and I’d not wish it upon my worst enemy.
Stella, there is nothing you can do to speed it up. At best, your efforts would be neutral, most often our efforts only delay things. H has to walk his path at his pace.
We all require a certain level of understanding before we can let go. Read, ask questions, post, vent, and focus on you.
You will make it.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you so much for your words this morning. I have been struggling with all of this and trying to wrap my head around it. Finding this site and reading through the post really started to make me see that I have not been crazy with thinking there is something more going on with my H.
E - Yes I have support system, my sister C, my good friend K, two of my brothers, have all been great listening to me and being there to get my out and moving. But there focus is getting the D ASAP and me moving on. I get it, they don't want to see the pain. Don't get me wrong they are great with me and I have been leaning on all of them. A few mutual male friends from M, I have are just poking around to see when I am ready....like thats going to happen..
We do not have any children, we got M when I was 33 and H was 29. We started trying shortly after that. Fertility drugs, and 2 miscarriages later, I started early menopause at 40.
B- Yes, it is hard to accept that my M is over. But I hold onto hope that we can rebuild a new one. I don't know where this road is going, or how I will feel when/if I get to the otherside, how I will feel then. Over the years H has had a reoccuring dream, that sticks out to me as ominous now. He would wake up in the middle of the night and grab onto me for dear life. He would dream that he was trying to reach me or talk to me. But each time he had this same dream, over and over throughout the years, he could not get to me and I would not hear him or talk to him. He would wake me up to tell me each time, and each time I would tell him.. that will never happen because I love you and would never turn my back on you..weird right...
I am trying to eat, but it has not been healthy, hard to shop for food for one. I am down 25 pounds, thanks to this MLC, started to work out to a bit and get in shape. Funny how the weight just fell off in a few months when I have been trying for years to drop some weight, but no amount of working out or dieting ever worked. Want to join a gym, but will have to push that back as I have surgery this coming Monday, nothing major.
I am currently unemployed as of October 2021. Had a 25 plus years, good career, made good money. We knew that my job would be ending and had planned for me to either not work anymore or just take part time work so we could start to enjoy more time together. Right now, ATTY recommends that I do not go back to work yet. I have recently signed up to volunteer at the animal rescue center that I got my boys from. That starts in mid February and I am looking forward to being around all the animals, which can be good and bad. Going to have to stop myself from turning into the crazy cat lady...lol
D- My H has always been somewhat immature, we both kind of were, I chalked that up to not having any children. He has always been a drinker, but now he has taken that to Defcon 10. He is out there running himself into the ground...from Thursday night to Monday night, he is out drinking, partying, going to bars, concerts, you name it, he is there, along with a new group of younger friends who think he is just the bomb....This is how he was in his early 20's when I first ment him, center of attention, party is his middle name, he is Mr. Fun, good times, lets get wasted. And OW is the same way, together they are going to kill each other.
He has a great job, that he loves and makes a great living, as of now he is still working and I think/hope he doesn't screw it up. For a man who went to the school of hard knox, as H likes to say, he has been very successful with the company he is at. He has/was always been proud of the life we have built with each other. I sometimes wonder if the money he is making now has gone to his head as right now he is throughing it around.
He is in IC, started this last September, when he started he told me that he brought up MLC to his counsler, but she did not believe in MLC. He has not told me much about the sessions, I stopped asking, because it just upset him. And what he has told me is questionable. He is still going, I can see it on our insurance, thats the only reason I know.
I was in the ER last Thursday night, after getting home on Friday morning I was pretty out of it all day. That was the day he realized that I had transferred the money. His last text to me on Friday was " I just need some peace and quiet". So I have not text him since. He text me on Monday and asked how I was doing, and asked me to let him know when my surgery is scheduled for. I kept my responsed short and to the point. He knows I had a appointment yesterday to schedule the surgery and I have not text him any info yet... Should I let him know when it is???
Also I have our papers for taxex ready that he will need to file for this last year, so at some point I need to let him know I have everything ready. He is still being somewhat responsible.
Thank you all, I am so happy to find you all..... S
Yes, focus on yourself. What have you always wanted to do or learn? Change up your hair or wardrobe? Take up a new sport or hobby?
My ex left when we were the exact same ages, 26 years together, approaching 50 is a real trigger for these guys, in your case aggravated by the deaths in his family - they start to think “is this all there is to life? Am I missing out on something? I could die tomorrow!”. That, combined with the thrill of cheating, convinces them they could be happier elsewhere.
That being said, I agree with the previous poster - this marriage is dead. You may forge a new relationship in the future, but the relationship you had is gone.
Pleading, clinging, waiting as his backup plan if it doesn’t work out with OW - these will not help you. Forging an exciting new life for yourself, being mysterious, forging ahead with the divorce, giving him a dose of reality - these might or might not make him think twice about his choices.
Do not try to “nice” him back in the divorce negotiations. It doesn’t work. Get your fair share.
Don’t store his things. (But copy all financial documents first). If he still has stuff in the garage or the closet, deposit it at the love nest. Let OW live with the clutter. WASs want to just waltz off into their new lives without dealing with any of the paperwork or the mess. Way too many people here have been stuck storing their WASs stuff for YEARS. He’s got his nice new love nest - let him and OW deal with the clutter there. Don’t wait for him to come get it - they take forever. Just pack it up and get it delivered.
And check over the finances carefully. If he’s been planning this for a while, he could have been squirreling money away - you’re entitled to half that money too.
Think back - if you take off your toes colored glasses, are there any suspicious events in the past that you glossed over? Things you were putting up with because you thought that was just part of the give and take in a marriage? Did he travel for work a lot over the years? His may have been a straightforward MLC triggered by aging, deaths in the family and opportunity - but it’s also possible that your “perfect” marriage wasn’t all you thought.
In my case, it eventually became clear that some of those “suspicious” things I explained away in past years likely were infidelities or at least flirtations. And I began to realize that my ex was actually a narcissist.
When my ex finally left (he had had an affair several years prior and I had DBd him back, thing were great for a few years, then he went back into MLC at 48) - I learned to play the drums! Since then I played in an amateur pop punk band for several years, and began playing percussion for my best friend who is a professional singer-songwriter. I’ve gone on several short tours with her, my regular job is steady, and although my income isn’t anything near his, I’m comfortable. I won’t be retiring early but I will be okay when I retire.
If your H sees you out there living your best life, having adventures, doing new things - he might become intrigued enough to turn back. But don’t put anything in your life on hold waiting for that. Dream big, grab hold of your life. I know this is so hard, but the sooner you get out of this hole the better you’ll feel. Don’t text him. If he texts you, let him know he’s making the biggest mistake of his life, that a woman that cheats WIRH him will also cheat ON him, and that he doesn’t get the luxury of keeping you as his friend while he’s sleeping with another woman - then stop responding.
If you’re not working, start training for a career. If you have a job, start planning for advancement if you need to. Don’t put anything on hold while you’re waiting on him.
