My Story P4...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

I came to realize that MLC H doesn't want me but can't let me go. I on the other hand can let go of him, I do not need him anymore but I still want him. So we have kind of different expectations. LOL

Nicely put.

G was making progress. It’s unfortunate that his emotions and confusion are all stirred up again. G admitted about his Mom’s behaviour. Talked about his childhood psychiatrist. Talked about his younger years. There is a lot he is within reconciling. He didn’t get the door to running closed, and the pull back took him again.

And none of his confusion has anything to do with you.

Should I put boundaries on anything or simply let him go and see where it goes?

Let him go. You know you have no choice in what he will do.

As for boundaries. You are doing well. I so agree with the quote.

I'm only prepared to be there for him when he is not with somebody else.
I told him that if you have her, you don't need me to be there for you. He disagrees because I'm the only one who knows him that well and he needs me to be his friend. I told him again, sorry, I won't do that. I don't want anything to do with you and OW2, this is your life, not mine.

In the vein of seeing where it goes: The next time, if there is a next time, he wants to return home. No. Have him stay somewhere else and date for a while first. Just a bit of a plan. Not quite a boundary, but you get the idea.

if there are two things that I'm 100% sure of it is:
1/ MLC exists, never thought 3 years ago I would say this but when you have somebody that close going through it, you know it is for real
2/ Alter ego G has been present in recent weeks.

Amen!

MLC is amazing to witness. For those who haven’t witnessed it, yes quite unbelievable.

Equally amazing is the alter egos that reside within these poor lost souls. Again, once you witness it. OMG. It is spooky!

Everything I say is used against me.

Oh my yes! MLCers cannot remember appointments, birthdays, to sign documents, or pretty much anything else. Yet, within their gnat-like memories they will recall with perfect clarity anything and seemingly everything that they can use to justify and blame you.

He then immedately said he wanted to sell the house, he never wants me back, blabla, so I said, sure, we will do this immediately. Luckily I'm prepared so will get the contract next week. Upon his return from his trip he can sign the contract and we can move forward.

Good for you.

Gaining some strength again to deal whatever comes on my path when he returns.

It is likely G will emerge or even return. I’d stay the course. Get the business side settled.

G is progressing. No doubts there. However, he needs much more time.

None of this really changes your path I think. For the next while anyhow.

Take care my friend.

D

[Ginger1]

A good boundary would be him not being able to come into bed and snuggle with you while he tells you he is going to pursue other women. That is actually, kind of disgusting he would do that. And I don’t think you wanted to allow that. You were scared not to in fear of driving him farther away. But you really have to think about boundaries and not allowing that to happen. A strong boundary for me would be if someone is treating me awfully they can’t cuddle with me in bed in the first place. Another boundary would be if they are in bed with me and begging to talk about being with another woman, I would say “leave now”

I want you to think about how YOU really feel when he does this absolutely disrespecting stuff and you allow. MLC is not an excuse for blatant disrespect . Think about why you are allowing to do these awful thing . Think about the reason why you don’t put up boundaries around these behaviors.


I’m going to put my money on fear. When I was a young women in my 20’s ( my ex left when I just had our baby at 27) I literally feel sick at all the behaviors I allowed purely due to fear. Fear of him leaving, fear of driving him away. Now at 41? I would shake grab the old me and shake the crap out of me and say “woman, there is no excuse in this world to allow someone to treat you that way” no midlife crisis, no alter ego. Whoever that person is in that moment should not treat you like .

[BL42]

Eagle3,

A good boundary would be him not being able to come into bed and snuggle with you while he tells you he is going to pursue other women. That is actually, kind of disgusting he would do that. And I don’t think you wanted to allow that. You were scared not to in fear of driving him farther away. But you really have to think about boundaries and not allowing that to happen. A strong boundary for me would be if someone is treating me awfully they can’t cuddle with me in bed in the first place. Another boundary would be if they are in bed with me and begging to talk about being with another woman, I would say “leave now”

I want you to think about how YOU really feel when he does this absolutely disrespecting stuff and you allow. MLC is not an excuse for blatant disrespect . Think about why you are allowing to do these awful thing . Think about the reason why you don’t put up boundaries around these behaviors.

I’m going to put my money on fear. When I was a young women in my 20’s ( my ex left when I just had our baby at 27) I literally feel sick at all the behaviors I allowed purely due to fear. Fear of him leaving, fear of driving him away. Now at 41? I would shake grab the old me and shake the crap out of me and say “woman, there is no excuse in this world to allow someone to treat you that way” no midlife crisis, no alter ego. Whoever that person is in that moment should not treat you like .

Ginger's comment is 100% spot on. I was going to chop it up and make additional comments, but really just agree with the entire message. You should re-read it several times and really reflect on it.

I think it's common for most LBS to be nice and accommodating to despicable behaviors because we're fearful of a D and breaking up our family, but it's also common for us to look back and wish we had been stronger at the time. Similar to Ginger, my current self looks back to my just two years ago self and wishes I had stood up for myself been firmer and stronger during the affair and IHS. Your H cuddling with you to tell you he's planning to leave you for OW2 is abusive behavior; don't allow him to treat you like that.

[Eagle3]

He didn’t get the door to running closed, and the pull back took him again.
And none of his confusion has anything to do with you.D

MLC is amazing to witness. For those who haven’t witnessed it, yes quite unbelievable.D

Equally amazing is the alter egos that reside within these poor lost souls. Again, once you witness it. OMG. It is spooky!D

Correct DnJ. He came out of the tunnel, faced quite a lot of his fears, emotions and trauma's, couldn't handle them and ran back. This was pretty scary to watch TBH.

That is why my next comment will not reasonate with people who haven't witnessed an MLC'er in deep fog. I'll try to explain but I know many of you will completely disagree and I fully understand you as well. I would have had exactly the same reaction before all of this.

A good boundary would be him not being able to come into bed and snuggle with you while he tells you he is going to pursue other women. You were scared not to in fear of driving him farther away. But you really have to think about boundaries and not allowing that to happen. MLC is not an excuse for blatant disrespect . Think about why you are allowing to do these awful thing . Think about the reason why you don’t put up boundaries around these behaviors.

Ginger, BL,

First of all, I want to tell you that you are correct when you say that this behavior is completely inappropriate.

The behavior of an MLC'er is ALWAYS inappropriate. I have been through a lot with him in the last 3 years and it is correct to say that for the first 1.5 years I was very afraid of losing him.
Am I still afraid?
Yes, afraid because he is completely losing it and because I now have to be very careful how I handle all of this.
Afraid of losing him? No, that is no longer there. I already let him go that way.

I love G, but with MLC H I prefer to deal with him as little as possible.

Is his behavior from last week inappropriate? Of course, that's exactly why I decided to take the next step and that is to sell the house. BL, by the way, I'm already divorced, I've already drawn a line there too.

When he came into my room last week to lay down next to me and to talk, you could feel his fear, his confusion, his inner struggles. He said a lot more that night than the fact of him going back to OW2.

I can only describe it that at such a moment psychoses are present within him and it is very difficult for me to leave him alone at such a moment. It sounds really weird, I can't describe this and maybe I don't have to but believe me, at such a moment I'd rather wait until this is over and I can talk to him in a different way, which I did the day after.

It is clear to me that further steps had to be taken since he no longer realizes how bad he is doing.

[Ginger1]

I really appreciate you sharing. And I will be completely honest and then back off.

If he is truly having psychoses and you are classifying MLC as a mental disorder, truth of the matter is, you can’t do anything about it but protect yourself. You can’t love him out of a mental breakdown. You can’t sacrifice yourself . He has got to be the one who does it.

When the behavior became inappropriate did you remove yourself from the situation? Or did you allow for it?

And like BL said, that behavior isn’t inappropriate . It’s abusive. If he physically hit you would you allow for it because he is going through a MLC and was “good” once in the past and because he shared other stuff with you?

You can love him from a distance, but you can’t be his therapist. Or where he lays out his abusive inappropriate behaviors. Remember, your kids are watching. And they are men. Who live their mother just like you love them. And will be become husbands one day, likely.

I am glad you are keeping distance now. I’m glad you set some boundaries. But I would hate to see him allowed in as soon as he decides to act half decent, only to trounce on you again.

You seem like a lovely woman. But you can fix him. It’s out of your Oy grade.

I’ll share something personal. My mother had a mental illness couples with addictions. Did she love me? I’m sure. But I didn’t feel loved. And I tried to “fix” her growing up by just thinking if I loved her enough, she would show me love back and it would fix whatever she was going through. In my late teens it became abusive when my dad left. She had a breakdown, I tried to fix her again, but she just resented me for still loving my dad. It carried over into my marriage. I chose a man who I hoped I could live out of his struggles and if I just worked hard enough and took enough and showed him I would be there no matter how awful he was to me , that he would chose not be that way anymore and chose me. Well, guess what. It didn’t work that way. I wish I protected myself more and I didn’t become a sacrificial lamb for either of them, because it messed me up.

Please, just please protect yourself and feel confident enough to walk away from abusive behavior. He is an adult and he needs to do this on his own . I wish you all the best

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

The behavior of an MLC'er is ALWAYS inappropriate.

So true!

When he came into my room last week to lay down next to me and to talk, you could feel his fear, his confusion, his inner struggles. He said a lot more that night than the fact of him going back to OW2.

I can only describe it that at such a moment psychoses are present within him and it is very difficult for me to leave him alone at such a moment.

Eagle, you have a wonderful understanding of a world seen by very few. Have witness the struggles between H and his demons and forces. There is so much unresolved trauma and torment within these poor lost souls. Be proud of yourself, you are doing so very well.

D

[Eagle3]

Ginger, thank you for sharing your story from your past.
This must have been an extremely difficult situation with your Mother and I'm really sorry for that.

My path was different. I had a loving, caring Husband and a great R for 16Y and he suddenly became a different person (you can call it MLC an/or mental illness,...), and I'll be honest, it is not always easy to see all this torment within a person and simply let them go, but I know I have to again.

I'll definitely take your word seriously and it is also because of my 3 boys that I can again no longer tolerate his presence while he is in deep MLC. I had to ask him to leave several times in the past and I will do so again, and I'll go even a little further now. When the house is sold I don't have to allow him anymore in the new house because then I'll have my own place, I'll only need to figure out what I will do in the coming months, before everything is arranged.

You are also right to say that I need to stop from letting him return when I do not see a direct path towards his healing process, and his healing will have to involve therapy which is still not the case at the moment.

I truly believed that this time (please do not consider my R in this case, as this is not my priority) he was on his way out of the tunnel and I still believe he was. Therefore I think the past weeks he's been home have been very important in his process. But unfortunately the past week bad situations took the upperhand again which shouldn't have.

I will not say I have made all the right decisions, nor I will say that I will do so in the future, but I'll do the utmost to protect myself and my children, I have always done that and will always put that first.

Once again, thank you for your honesty and caring Ginger.

[Eagle3]

Eagle, you have a wonderful understanding of a world seen by very few. Have witness the struggles between H and his demons and forces. There is so much unresolved trauma and torment within these poor lost souls. Be proud of yourself, you are doing so very well.D

(((Thank you)))

[Eagle3]

Next step in the process. the sale of our recently built dream home. (3 years in)

MLC H was on holiday with his friend last week. (didn't always go well according to what I've heard, but of course this is due to the fact that he can't hide his MLC anymore)

When he came back home he was, and still is, very calm. Not G, but MLC H with a lot of guilt. For that reason only I could conclude that he was making plans to leave again.

Last week I was able to think a lot. I realize more and more that I have to move on and effectively let go of him even more. Mentally I have come a long way, but when he is with me, it is not always easy to let go emotionally. The biggest reason for this is because we have had a lot of beautiful moments together in the last 10 weeks. But I'm not sorry about this. I'm glad we still had these moments together.

Last week I re-entered negotiations with an agency for the sale of our home as agreed with MLC H before his holiday. Last night we were playing cards (a favorite activity of MLC H and which we've been doing a lot the last few weeks) and in between he asked if I had already looked for the sale. I told him that the contract was ready for him to sign and that he should go over it the next day.
He then went on to say that he has planned a retreat in the coming weeks but doesn't know the specific date yet (in a country right next to the country where OW2 lives).
I deliberately didn't ask if he went to her in the meantime, I really don't want to know anymore.
His decision, his choice.

This retreat lasts 1 week, costs a lot of money and is mainly based on yoga, mindfulness and meditation. He sincerely believes that 1 week will help him to find what he is looking for.
I let him tell and just listen, don't comment.
He is also planning to rent something nearby in the coming weeks and leave the house.
He even asked to send the planning of the kids which I made a couple of months ago in regards to the custody arrangements. (when the children will be with him in the coming months)

It looks like he is once again determined to move on with his life without me.

Last night in my bed I couldn't sleep, I was really grieving the loss of the house, the stress of the imminent move, the changes which are coming again for the children, and last but not least living again without him around me. I know that those periods of mourning are now much shorter then they used to be, usually this only lasts a day or 2 and I move forward again.

I actually felt the way Cardinal felt. This will of course be a normal reaction I assume.

One question for which I don't seem to find an answer.
You should know that I'm actually not mad or bitter at him at all anymore. I am fully understanding his "Illness" and can be his friend today. And so I do. We did laugh, talk and had fun in many ways the past weeks with some exceptions.
(I won't tolerate bad behavior of course like what happened two weeks ago. That is why we are moving forward again, to not have these situations anymore.)

But I assume this is contradictory to letting go?

F.e. What if he goes back to OW2? Do I have to warn him again beforehand that if he goes back to her I won't be there for him? And then again provoke a reaction that I really don't need anymore. Do I want to know he is going back to OW2? Is it important for me to know?

I'm divorced, the house will be sold, the only connection we will still have are the children.
And at the end, now he is finally allowed to do whatever he wants, I don't have to agree with that but I can't say anymore that he is having an affair.

These things have been keeping me busy lately. I don't know if I worded it right, as it's hard to explain. If not clear...sorry...

[Eagle3]

In other words, how do you actually show someone that you're letting them go without being bitter or resentful about it, because I don't have these feelings anymore.

Is showing that you let go in a form of friendship also possible?