Tim: I knew you were going to say this. I'm not quite ready for the crucible, as I'd like to enjoy my 2-week vacation with her. We only have one tent, and I really don't want to end up sleeping in the van.
We had a mixed-bag weekend. Friday night we had an argument about how "my kids" (DS15, DS12, and DD9, from my 1st marriage) are sometimes a "bad influence" on our DD3. It's a situation which has some fairly impractical solutions: 1. move away, so that the three kids rarely come into contact with DD3, 2. keep my 3 away from DD3, 3. do a make-over on my 3. I agree that DD3 has picked up some bad habits from my 3, but am thinking that it is going to be so impossible to shelter DD3 from all bad influences from all sources. Plus, it's not as if my 3 are demons. They are fairly normal. I mention this to my W and she says that she wishes they were exceptional, not normal.
A couple thoughts on this. First, I'm not averse to trying to make "my 3" into better persons. It's going to be difficult, given that I can only influence them when they are in my custody, which is about 1/2 the time. But re-making them into mini-Ws (sharing her ideas on the world) is not possible, nor even particularly advisable. I want them to be their own people, with their own world views. True, I'd like them to share Ws and my views on the environment, politics, etc., but generally, I just want them to be good people. Second, although I know this is a problem that my W has been concerned about, I wonder how much this argument we had was an argument about the kids, or just another concocted event to withhold physical affection from me. Although I was engaged in the argument, this thought kept running through my head. Is she making such a big deal about this because she's worried that DD3 is being corrupted, or is she just not wanting to be touched?
We ended up having a fine day with all the kids on Saturday. DS15 told me, however, that he and his brother heard some of the argument (which I suspected). He also proceeded to tell his mom about it, and she called on Sunday night, in her fakey-what-can-I-do-to-help voice, asking how she can help. I mentioned this to W and she started writing a list of things she wants me to tell my ex.
HD, That just makes me sad for your older kids. They should never be put in the position of feeling that they are "less" than D3.
As far as corruption, I think that your wife is just reacting to this normal parental phase. SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE is going to corrupt her. Little girls are so perfectly innocent at that age and then they start to pick up on the ways of the world and people around them. It truly is a sad thing to witness!
I think it is fair to say that you will be setting boundaries as far as what the older ones are allowed to do around the younger ones (into which I would lump your D9) but that you love them as is and have no intention of undertaking a personality overhaul on them--imagine how devastated they would be if they suspected that their own father didn't 'like' who they were! (and btw, what dad truly likes who his kids are while they are immersed in their teenage years?) This would be the approach I suspect you would take if all of these children were yours and W's..you would set boundaries about what they were allowed to say or watch on TV or wear around her.
Along the same lines, we went to a graduation party this past weekend and my FOURTEEN year old niece was sporting around in a skimpy bikini with a tattoo on her ass and a playboy bunny reverse-tanned onto her belly. (is that what they call it when they put a sticker over a spot and then tan the crap out of the rest of their skin?) Oh and a belly button ring. I was mortified to have D4 looking at her...this girl who up until this year has been a good playmate to her. And hoping she didn't ask any questions about either the bunny or the tattoo. (I have a tattoo myself so she is probably immune to that but I want her to understand that they are for ADULTS to get, not kids who can't even freakin drive themselves to get one!) It just gave me a sick feeling in my stomach to wonder what this little girl thinks she is advertising about herself.
Anywayyyyyy, I digress.
I agree that she was probably unconsciously picking a fight with you, in order to avoid having to be affectionate to you. People are weird.
When we were young teenagers my sisters and I used to dress our pre-school age baby sister up in spandex disco outfits and we taught her to sing "Hot Blooded" by Foreigner. She turned out just fine and is currently in law school at the University of Chicago. My son at age 2 was very verbal. Instead of throwing temper tantrums in public places, he would just yell "F**K" (bad influence of Daddy) at the top of his lungs causing me to nearly die of mortification. Tell your wife to "chill".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I don't use profanity at my house, but my 3 kids hear it at their mom's a lot. So far, no profanity from DD3. However, I do say "chill out" and this weekend I told DD3 to hurry up and finish her lunch so we could get moving. She looked up at me and said, "chill out, Dad." It is so funny to hear that out of her mouth.
HD, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with the conflict between your W and kids. Bummer.
I am the youngest in a blended family. I suppose my step and half siblings could have been a bad influence on me, because everyone was so much older. I've always thought of them as my siblings, and didn't think they had more influence one way or the other than other siblings. Your situation brings to mind the question, "why didn't their antics have an effect on me?" The only thing I can think of is that for the most part, my mother and step-father were in agreement about the behavior of all of us kids.
Consider that your W may well be right. Does she expect you to cut them out of your life, or help her be the heavy or what? Might want to find out. It would help if you were both on the same side.
Hope you haven't been blown away by all of this bad weather. Take care. --z
