Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #3

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

Wow. H is certainly working to push your buttons. Well done remaining calm and not taking the bait.

You are spot on with your assessment of this scenario. It’s wildly inappropriate that H thinks having some stranger sleeping over is ok.

I'm glad this exchange took place over text, because I could consider my words and appear calm. I thanked him for agreeing (kicking and screaming) to my requests. I can also read the exchange to my IC or anyone and again receive reassurance that, no, haha, nothing I said was unreasonable.

I am pleased that I said “This is not okay” rather than “you can’t….”

Yes, this taking place over text is a good thing. It gives you a pause to choose proper wording and, maybe more importantly, provides a record. This is not a he said, she said, situation. You have it in writing. That is extremely valuable.

Keep conversations with H to the text format as long as you can. Luckily, H doesn’t want the voice to voice conflict and is choosing texting. The finesse part of dealing with MLCers/WAS/STBXH or W is letting them think it is their idea.

I’m very proud of you. You stuck to your guns, stayed calm, and pushed back. In the end, no random stranger.

I’d speak to your L. Get it in writing who is allowed to be on the premises. And who is not.

I’d also install one of those door chain locks. You know the little brass chains that slides into place and only allows the door to be opened about 2 inches. As a person going to sleep in her house, with her H away, it is perfectly reasonable to “extra” lock the door. This is not “changing the locks” so there is no legal repercussions. I’d definitely do this.

Any random unwelcome or unannounced friend of H’s will met a door they can turn a key in, but would need to bust it down to get in. At that point, the homeowner/person on the lease, can easily call the police and things will get sorted out real quick.

That was not something I could be indifferent to. I responded that I was not okay with someone I did not know staying overnight with no notice and without him here, nor was I okay with someone I did not know having a key.

I think you handled this pretty indifferently.

Indifference doesn’t manifest with inaction. You did not get dragged around by your emotions (detachment). You remained clear and calm, and numb towards H’s feelings and behaviours (indifferent). You acted upon your rational thoughts. And took appropriate action.

Earlier, I stated you stuck to your guns, remained calm, and pushed back. Yes pushed back. Not enforced a boundary. Let me expanded.

A boundary is an action you would take. In this case: H, if a stranger enters my house, I’m calling the police.

Stating the boundary is like pushing back, enforcing a boundary is calling the police.

You handled it like a pro!

Now, get that door chain.

Have a great Sunday cardinal.

D