Verbally Abusive

[BL42]

CathyC,

I am not going to lie. Today is bad. Maybe because it is Saturday and although he is "in the basement", we are still in the same house and pass frequently.

Could you get out of the house? Go for a walk, grab lunch out, see a movie at the theatre...etc.?

He has come into the room that I am in and spoken a few times. I am not angry or short, but I keep my answers to a minimum and carry on with the work that I am doing.

Good. Courteous, but short and to the point.

So, when my answers are short and to the point, I know that he feels like I am being a bitch.

Maybe of us here have a tendency to be overly "nice". Nothing wrong with not being overly warm to the person who is treating you the way you're H is treating you.

You are not being a "witch" if you respond with efficient, non-rude answers. "Have you done the laundry yet?" "No, I haven't." Don't accept such names.

^Agreed.

I have read so many threads on there that they are running together. I am trying to absorb everything.
Good! Hopefully take comfort you're not alone, and also get advice on how to act & respond.

[quote=CatchC] I think that is ONE of the most inhumane things someone has ever said to me.

It's common. A week after my long-term XGF and I broke-up, I totaled my car and called her for help. She didn't believe me--she thought it was a ruse to manipulate her.

Not a medical emergency, but at one point after BD during IHS I had an important meeting at work and my car wouldn't start. Instead of trying to help, as a spouse or any friend or family would, my ExW just started laughing at me enjoying my situation. That always stuck out at me. I had insights into her conversations with AP, family & friends...she would have my parents over for a family dinner to "keep the peace" and then mock me and say terrible things about me to them behind my back.

The point is, don't underestimate the exact to which your H may have anger and hate towards you right now. I know it might be hard to believe, because he looks like the person you married, but there's likely a whole lot more deep down in him that is resenting you. It doesn't mean it's justified - I didn't do anything to my ExW even remotely close to meriting the treatment I got - he could very well be projecting his hurts and anger and resentment on to you. Just don't be surprised; you might be shocked how bad his emotions are towards you right now.

Do you all ever look at these threads (as an outsider) and just ask......"why do you want to continue down this path?"

Yes. But then everyone is at a different point on the path. Regardless of the outcome, you'll look back down the road (in a year, in 2 years, in 5 years) and view this very differently than you do at the present. That's why is great to read a lot of other stories - it shows you people's progress over time and helps give a better perspective of the long run when you're (understandably) caught up in the present.

You've been together a long time. It makes sense that part of you wants to stay together, and part of you wants to escape. Not to beat a dead horse, but my big hopes for you are: a) You will set boundaries for firm action when he or your own negative self-talk calls you names, b) You won't allow your emotions to lead to passive-aggressive behavior like threatening divorce or asking him to divorce--you'll take control by either filing or not filing, c) You will begin to find CathyC either solo or with your friends, realizing your H is currently neither your partner nor your friend. That may change in time.

^Great advice!

I felt like I needed someone that KNEW him to talk to me. Not to talk to him or to persuade him back but to find out if this has happened before, has he always been angry and just suppressed it. Who am I even living with.
I did find out that he has a history of anger, he has really never had a relationship that was truly meaningful until ours. Long, yes but not true commitment. She believes that he does not have then mental capacity to love completely….and attributes that to his father/mother.

This is common. I've heard a good bit from people close to my ExW (ExFIL, ExSMIL, people around town) that she had deep seated issues stemming from younger years. I knew she had been in counseling and on anti-depressants since teenage years, and her parents each married three times and she discovered her mom's affair and lived through her mom breaking up her family. I saw the beautiful fun person I was dating/married to, not the low self esteem broken hurt person deep down. Often things bubble up, even when the person wants to be different.

I'm not saying there's nothing you need to work on - there is absolutely is based on what you've said about your relationship history - but point being a lot of this might be your husband's history bubbling up and personal issues.

I DO realize this is something I cannot fix.

Good! You can not fix your H. You can fix you though. Work on you! You'll like the results.