Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #3

[BL42]

cardinal,

That was not something I could be indifferent to. I responded that I was not okay with someone I did not know staying overnight with no notice and without him here, nor was I okay with someone I did not know having a key.

It's completely reasonable you would not want a person you do not know to stay in your house, especially when it's H's friend and H won't be there.

I requested advance notice and also said I was not comfortable without certain precautions because we are still in a pandemic.

I wouldn't even mention the pandemic angle - it's reasonable even without a pandemic.

Luckily I am in much better shape to understand nearly three years into this that this is more gaslighting, and though I may feel the guilt he's trying to heap on me, it's just an old reaction, not reflective of anything I am actually doing wrong.

Good!

btw his best friend might be crashing here tonight, just FYI.

I was not okay with someone I did not know staying overnight

Finally I got a couple of thumbs ups from him, but also he could not tell me how often she would be here--"randomly."

This "best friend" you don't know is a female? This seems...

I'm not sure if I need to talk to my L about a roommate agreement or what.

Seems to be you'd be within your rights to refuse someone entering your house without your husband there to allow it. Not sure about when he is there - in which case you also might not what someone there - you might ask your L for advice there so you know your rights.

H did say this was all ridiculous because he's hopefully moving out soon anyway, so at least I know that's still on his mind. Though his idea of "soon" is usually very different than mine (see: BD 2019).

Maybe he's just got to blow up at me a few more times on his way out the door. If anyone has any good reminders/mantras on how to stay strong through the next leg of this, I'm all ears.

He's acting with extreme disrespect. Take the initiative and back up his stuff for him and show him the door. Looking back I wish I had acted stronger in the beginning (as do many of us here).

One more note to say I think it helped that I was reading about fierce self-compassion last night and about saying no. Yet I am still picking apart all of the words I chose and wondering if I could have chosen better ones, if I could have seemed even calmer. That is not exactly fierce self-compassion. I am pleased that I said “This is not okay” rather than “you can’t….”

Good to be reflective and work on it, but also...

I am also reminding myself that even if I said the perfect thing perfectly, objectively phrased, whatever that would be in this scenario, it wouldn’t matter.

Very true.

I would get the same reaction from him. Still working on getting sucked into trying to control for his reactions, I suppose, but I am more aware of that than I once was.

I’ve learned so much about myself through IC and reading and meditation and from this board and friends in the last few years, and I am grateful for all the growth that has come from this experience, grateful for a lot of things that at one point I couldn’t imagine being grateful for.

Awesome! :-)

Hang in there...