However, indifference usually drives them mad. Expect a possible uptick in bad behavior. Stay the course on indifference.
Whew, boy.
Thanks to all of you for your support here. It really helped me feel less alone. I was going to write an update about what I'm learning from my anger, and about how I've really felt power in indifference the last several days. But now I am here for a different reason. An uptick in bad behavior.
H packed stuff this morning, as he does pretty regularly, for a short trip away to wherever he goes. I was looking forward to having the house to myself for a few days at least. Tonight he texts me--as I'm getting ready for bed--btw his best friend might be crashing here tonight, just FYI.
That was not something I could be indifferent to. I responded that I was not okay with someone I did not know staying overnight with no notice and without him here, nor was I okay with someone I did not know having a key. I requested advance notice and also said I was not comfortable without certain precautions because we are still in a pandemic.
This was over a few texts, and each time, his reply was incredulous, pointing out how I was being dramatic and unreasonable, and he wouldn't care if I did all this so it shouldn't matter what I wanted, and his friend is having a bad day, etc etc.
I tried to restate my requests as politely as I could. Advance notice, he would have to be here when his guest is here overnight, etc. He could not provide me with a yes, just lots of push back and saying basically what does it matter, they're going to be coming in after I'm asleep anyway--as if having a stranger enter your house after you've gone to sleep is better!
Luckily I had a friend to help me through this while I texted. Luckily I am in much better shape to understand nearly three years into this that this is more gaslighting, and though I may feel the guilt he's trying to heap on me, it's just an old reaction, not reflective of anything I am actually doing wrong.
Even after bttrfly's words, I was taken off guard though. This seemed so clearly over the line to me. My reaction was my gut telling me to not be indifferent about this. It was, I think, a good example of this for me:
Originally Posted by DnJ
Boundaries are good, telling him he is being disrespectful is good. Those are for you and your mental/emotional health; not a way to get or force him to behave a certain way.
Finally I got a couple of thumbs ups from him, but also he could not tell me how often she would be here--"randomly." Who knows if he will abide by any of this. Usually he makes a big show of how horrible it is that I assert myself at all, but does respect my requests. I'm not sure if I need to talk to my L about a roommate agreement or what. H did say this was all ridiculous because he's hopefully moving out soon anyway, so at least I know that's still on his mind. Though his idea of "soon" is usually very different than mine (see: BD 2019).
I'm glad this exchange took place over text, because I could consider my words and appear calm. I thanked him for agreeing (kicking and screaming) to my requests. I can also read the exchange to my IC or anyone and again receive reassurance that, no, haha, nothing I said was unreasonable.
I must say I am a bit afraid at what might come next. I am hoping this is yet another annoyance that will add to his list of reasons to move out, as he says. Maybe he's just got to blow up at me a few more times on his way out the door. If anyone has any good reminders/mantras on how to stay strong through the next leg of this, I'm all ears.
