Create the life...

[Elbereth]

Hello all,

Thought I’d drop in an update. As many of you know, I dropped off for a bit and it was a conscious decision. I also went off my anti-depressants. It’s been a couple of months, so here’s where I am at. Thank you to those who dropped by with hello’s and holiday wishes after my last post.

The 1st holidays without H were weird and hard, but my family made sure I wasn’t alone. I was able to have my SS’s over for a dinner one night. So that was nice. They are away at school so I’ve hardly been able to see them. My family usually throws really big holiday get together’s with the group of friends they call family (and of which I always felt a little outside of), but this year it was very low key and only a few of us. Thanksgiving included a friend who’s husband passed away. It’s been interesting to see how she has been receiving more help and support from my family than I have. It’s like the loss of my H and my life doesn’t compare. Like I am better off and should be grateful and not sad or depressed. I was even told that I should take the word “overwhelmed” out of my vocabulary. That there are many people who go through what I have and I should be grateful that what I am going through is not as bad as other things. I don’t mean to suggest that the death of a partner isn’t awful…but I feel like my H is as well as dead too. The person I knew is gone. At least my friend knew she was loved by her H fully. I certainly do not have that. So although I feel very unvalidated and generally unsupported, I’ve been trying to just accept what support I can get from my family and seek other sources of support. It’s not like they are not helping me at all…I am living in a home owned by them and mostly at no cost, but it’s been difficult to feel judged and unsupported emotionally by them. And to watch as they provide so much love and care towards the friend who is a widow.

My work situation is still in flux. The parent company has been obtaining more organizations all while changing CEO’s along the way. I am grateful I am still working, but ever since the beginning of covid, the job has been more of a ‘do the bare minimum necessary’ and no more, so I’m feeling extremely bored, unchallenged and demoralized. As for health insurance, H did put me on his plan at least until the D or I get my own…so that helps. But I am just not sure if I should stay or go or what. I feel so frustrated to have to take on that transition while I am dealing with my personal life transition. Instead of being excited about the possibilities I feel frozen by feeling overwhelmed, demoralized, and exhausted. I really wish I could take a year off of working and focus on my personal life. But at my age, I’m afraid to do that. I worry about dropping out of the job market which is hard for us mid-life folks. And I am afraid how it would affect my D and support. So for now, I’m doing my best to hang in there.

On the Big D, I received the first settlement proposal from H and it was pretty disappointing. But I guess that is to be expected. H thinks he can just give me generally half of our life, all while he took more than that share during the M. I truly feel used for raising his kids (whom I still love and consider mine now), and I feel he took advantage of the fact that I went all in on making a life with this family…emotionally and financially. H is also in a hurry to get the D done, but we will be ordering discovery…as I have no faith in him and what he may have taken or hid during the last year or more before the bomb dropped on me. Things have been cordial, but I have a feeling he’s going to lose it when he realizes I’m not going to accept his proposed settlement. I reached out to a financial support person I was referred to yesterday to start to come up with my goals and a plan on what I want out of the settlement. So that is a positive. I’m hoping they can also support me longer term after the settlement.

I do feel overwhelmed. I have a house full of stuff that I need to go through so that I can downsize to a smaller place in a few months, I have to find a place to live in a few months that I can afford in a crazy expensive city, I either have to struggle in my current job or I need to update my portfolio, as well as put in a lot of energy to find a new one, I have to figure out my financial situation and go trough the D process, and I have to discover and come up with a new future that is different than the one I had planned on. And all of this without a partner, very few friends, and a family that isn’t really there for me. And, all during covid, where life is mostly unpredictable and shut down. Who wouldn’t be overwhelmed? Don’t tell me not to be while you are totally comfortable in your perfect life.

I’ve been reading some new self-help books and listening to a lot of podcasts around betrayal trauma. I know I am depressed. I expected to be with going off my meds. I’m trying to embrace the feelings and work through them. I still feel numb-ish and mostly frozen. I know I need to do some IC, but I feel overwhelmed by searching for that right now too. For now I’m trying to just take on what I think I can handle each day and do my best to take time for self care and for using what resources I currently have at my disposal. I have been going out with my best friend often as well as spending time with a new GF. I take time to enjoy TV shows I love, I go for long walks at a park nearby, and I’ve been working on taking better care of my health. So all of that is positive. I’ve tried journaling, but I just can’t seem to get into it. I’m trying some meditation. I feel frozen, but there is some activity so I’m definitely moving through…like a snail though. Ha!

Anyway, I think that is the majority of news to share. I’m just plugging along and trying to be kind to myself and embrace where I am at. I’m grateful that I am not a puddle on the floor, but I am also really tired of this transition period…but I’m doing my best to face it and my feelings rather than just skip right over it as if I’m passed it all and just fine. One day at a time right? One foot in front of the other…and one task at a time towards creating my new life…

El