I'm not a therapist, but I have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express
That's really funny. I recently posted to my mountain biking forum about Prednisone and someone tagged theirs with "I'm not a doctor but I stayed at Holliday Inn". I guess this will be a pop-culture thing for a while.
-Dave (I'm not a porn star, but MBed at a Holliday Inn)
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: So, are you saying that I might be the one who is afraid to make myself vulnerable? I don't get this.
No, that wasn't my drift. Your post that I initially replied to (the one about how she is a perfectionist, and that explains not wanting to ML due to feelings of inadequacy) was, I felt, an example of paying close attention to HER and analyzing HER issues, which is something that will not be of benefit to you. Then later on, I read that page, and it hit home. I recognized that this is exactly what I have been doing, and it made me remember your post, and that seemed to fit also. So I felt those two bullet points might be more helpful to you than my previous reply. That's all.
So I guess what I was saying (to myself as much as to you) was that it might be useful to examine what you "know" about your W's motives in relation to what that tells you about YOU. See if you could gain some self-insight that might help you see how you can move forward. Something like that. One of the suggestions in that chapter is to take something your W says that you think is wrong, and find a way that it makes sense. Like Scharch does in the book, when one partner says "I don't want sex", he says "Okay, this attitude always makes sense, let's see what kind of sense it makes."
Thanks guys and gals. I'm with the expert (Mike) on this one. The fact that she may see it as pressure is her problem, not mine. I mean, what's she going to do, cut me off? (Probably the last thing John Bobbitt thought before he drifted off to sleep).
Thanks for everyone who chimed in.
She just called. She had a big victory in court today. Maybe she'll want to celebrate! Or is it, "celibate"? Anyway, she's in a good mood, which is always nice.
Apologize. It just gives her one less reason to be ticked at you.
I think you approach your marriage like this but I want to say it away. You're in a relationship and you want the relationship to work. This is more important than the "small stuff" that we all get caught up in. Your current "project" is to get her over this hump and climbing down from a joke just might help. You do this because you love this woman.
She's an attorney? Her profession is defining reality and convincing other people of it? She gets paid for warping some facts and discounting others. I hope she doesn't bring this into your relationship.
At all costs maintain your personal dignity and self-respect. After apologizing you might suggest that she lighten up a little. That despite your best efforts your frustration comes out one way or another and she's gotta admit that you're doing much better than before.
I'm under the impression that HD's wife is either a divorce or criminal lawyer. She seems to have very little faith in people (especially men) and probably sees the world through distorted glasses. But that's just my opinion based upon what HD says...I could be wrong. She might just be a feminist tax attorney. Hmmm. Do attorneys who divorce need attorneys to divorce? What a mess that would be.
I just feel bad for HD if she's bringing her "work" home each night. Money is not that important.
BTW. I adopted "Antler" from SuperDave's funny post. It's more subtle than saying "horny dave" and the rutting buck reference is fairly true. Secondly, it obfuscates my locale a little better.
Last edited by AntlerDave; 05/19/0408:43 PM.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Whoa..."obfuscates" That's a $3 word, Dave. Good thing you're not a cunctator.
Anyway, here's what happened yesterday. W calls me from the road. She is elated. She just won a big victory in a hearing on child custody modification on a case where she thought her odds were about 50/50. This is one of those "helping the downtrodden" cases she handles because they tug at her heart. In other words, the client probably won't pay her. However, she is practically bubbling with happiness. I remember the thread about complimenting her on her looks (don't do it) and, instead, complimenting her on her intellect, demeanor, knowledge, etc. Lots of kudos from me to her; I show lots of interest (which isn't difficult as her line of work is more interesting than mine); and lots of encouragement.
I decided not to apologize, because it would have dented the karma of the night, but decided to address it if it ever came up--you know it's gonna come back and bite me in the butt someday. Nothing "sexual" happened last night, mainly because I didn't even try, due to her period (yeah, she's one of those). But it was a nice night, held hands on the couch while vegging out in front of the TV. While talking about her case, she said something that gave me goosebumps: "This is what I went to law school to do." That's great for her, and great for me, because it means that she didn't quit her dream job to work a lousy job.
Hairdog - thinking about turning on the air-conditioner at home since it's going to get up to 89 with HIGH humidity.
Hi, Hairdog. I've never posted to you before, but I've seen you around. In fact, I just saw on jhawker's thread that you're a Hawk. Three of us makes us an official granfalloon and compels me to check in on you.
My H and I have sexual issues too, amd it's all part of bigger issues. One thing I noticed in reading through your thread was the "I think, she thinks that I think..." Glory be. That kind of stuff is hard to let go of, but you've got to let go of your assumptions and show her that she needs to let go of hers; otherwise it's just a test of wills without words.
Many years ago a friend of mine and her husband were going through a bad patch. He was thinking about leaving her and having an affair. She came onto him one night, but he brushed her off. She said, "Okay, then I'll take care of it myself," and started masterbating. It certainly wasn't the response he was expecting and it got his attention.
Maybe masterbating in front of your W won't do the trick, but the point I'm getting at is that there are other ways to react besides just telling her you're okay with it. You really need to make her doubt that she knows what you think and the best way to do that is to show her... somehow.
On a related note, my H is not a great talker and asking him to talk doesn't work, so I tried a more indirect approach to explaining my problem. I started teasing H the other day that I could read his mind. Of course, he said I couldn't; and I said I could, so he wanted me to show him. I looked him in the eyes intensely and asked, "What are you thinking?" It was a funny way of showing him my dilemna; and getting him to laugh at me was a good ice breaker.
Just some food for thought. Rock Chalk! Jayhawk! Go KU!--z
Thanks for the input, 012 (fellow Jayhawk). I agree with what you say, that mind-reading is not productive, accurate, or particularly helpful. It is just a habit, I guess. My W is a very different sort of woman, so the usual "treatment" doesn't seem to work on her.
I asked her if she wanted to ML the other night, (the first time I've come out and asked her in weeks), and she said, "no." I said, "okay, but can I ask why?" She got a bit pissed at first, but I explained that it was fine that she said no, however, I would like to know what the reason was. She said, "You can assume that whenever I say 'no' it is because I just don't feel like it."
Okay, so she hasn't felt like it since last September. Or, if she has felt like it, she's done a good job of keeping that to herself until the feeling passes.
I am always open to suggestions. I don't think the masturbating next to her after she says 'no' is a particularly good one, however. I think it's kind of insulting, and I'd like to avoid that.
But keep em' coming. I'll try the best ones.
Hairdog - whose Mom was in Lawrence Friday, at Allen Field House, for Clinton's speech.
Well, I don't think you're going to like my suggestion, but what finally got things moving for me and W was that I basically told her that either things would improve in the bedroom (and overall) or the M would be history. I think it's time you took the big risk... I don't think she has any incentive to change without that. You need to be brutally honest with her, and let her know that you simply cannot continue living as you are... like roommates.
Then... you need to be ready to make changes in yourself, as PM will lead you to do.
