as always some really good feedback , thoughts, and compassion. It's much appreciated.
I am in desperate need for self care, this is absolutely true. D14 has her friend over, I ordered pizza for everyone, gyro salad and I actually ate it in my bed ( I have a strict no eating in bed rule) but I broke it. I am watching the funniest dating show ever. Comedians do commentary on blind dates. It's hilarious. Tormorrow is work from home and complete my training. I could have gotten OT again tomorrow but i have to work sunday, and i don't want to kill myself. I was not in a fog today thankfully. I felt better and functional.
D14 has 3 friends over. one is pretty much family, the other i have met a few times and i really like her, and the other is really sweet too. She has really good friends, very respectful. I get alot of joy seeing my daughter strive in social situations. I think friends and the ability to socialize is one of the most important things in high school. And she is nailing it. She did help me clean a bit last night and this morning I couldn't be up at 5:30am (the dog has also been waking me up 3 times per night) but I told my boss i was coming in 45 min late (didn't tell them why,a nd i only have ot be ready for 9am huddle which is easy for me) and i cleaned. ANd i felt much better.
I haven't heard from date guy. I knew I wouldn't. I would have done a second date, but it seems he would rather ghost and that's fine. Like LH's experience, chemistry and sparks is usually expected on a first date. We didn't have that. Not upset it about it.
Yes, my financial struggles are a big part of my depression right now. I find it insane that I have a degree, a professional career, am emplyed full time plus and i barely make ends meet. That I think is the part that makes me so depressed. I would be in great shape in any other state, or with the income of a partner. But not as a single mom in my area. It saddens me. My divorce was long ago, and i have dealt with it, but truth be told, it will have ever lasting effects, and one is financially. I am stuck here until she is 18, I would have been gone long ago. ANd as we had a huge new financial responsibility (our child) he decided to leave me with managing that basically on my own. I get $88 week in child support. That's nothing. And she won't ask him for anything. Only me. Even when she is at his house she will call me if she wants or needs something I do honestly sometimes say "ask your father".
I have absolutely thought about selling my house and renting. I did the research on it. Guess what. Rent has shot up and it's as much as my mortgage. It's not worth uprooting us before I am going ot uproot again when she graduates. If it's not going to give me enough room to breathe, I might as well just hold out.
I really don't even do anything nice for myself.I don't get my hair done. My daughter dyes my grays out of a box. I get my nails done for $50 once every 3 weeks (mani and pedi) I am a bargain shopper. I buy my clothes on amazon and target. On sale. I have no designer bags or shoes. My biggest expenditure is eating out a few times per month, which I drastically reduced. I have been saving for 6 months to do my eye brow microblading. $500. I saved it. ANd i feel guilty doing it. But I am going to. I reworked all my bills. Got rid of subscriptions. I just bought 2 for $20 sunglasses.
Friends and vulnerability: Alot of my close friends are coworkers. I confide in one a bit. We got pretty close. We share a tiny office for 8 hours a day. She is 29. I am 41. But we are actually really good supports to eachother. Other than that, I am the friend everyone else comes to with their problems, People see me as funny G. Upbeat. (shocking, right?). ANd the ironic thing is everyone will lay their feelings and problems and issues right out for me and seek me out for advice. But i can't seem to do i back.
And I imagine that is my issue in my past relationships. 2 men I really really cared about both said " something is missing". ANd I realize it might be my vulnerability. It's not there. I am scared to scare anyone away (friends and romantic) that i hold back. ANd I showed an oucne of vulnerability with M the week before he broke up with me. I was having a bad few days, a bunch of small stuff that piled up. I shared it with him. He invalidated me by saying "that's it?" I then communicated ot him that sometimes i have a rough time and while it might not be big drama with the father of my child (he always was venting about his baby mama drama), my experiences are real too and I could use an ear to listen as well. 3 days later he broke up with me. I keep my emotions and struggles ot myself. I did that growing up to, because i didn't want anyone to find out about my home life.
Man, am I long winded lately. But today was a better day, Thank you.
