My fear for losing him is selfishness. I AM an only child with an older mother. Statistically speaking, I should out live her and when she dies, I have no one. I won't even have a beneficiary or an emergency contact. That just breaks my heart......that the person that I thought was MY person is just throwing this away with no effort what-so-ever. (BL42), things that I am working on in my personal therapy are how to achieve happiness alone. How do I see myself, "happy". What aspects to do I need to focus on to find myself again. Prior to covid, I played roller derby. This stopped us dead in its tracks and we have not been able to return to play since. Our goal is to have our first practice on 2/20/22. I am excited for that and have a HUGE network or people that are supportive (for me). They will always "side" with me and right now, that is not what I feel like I need. I need to figure this out, my way. When it is said and done, no matter the outcome, I will need to feel in my heart that I did everything that I could do to save my marriage, and I guess, help him. This is where I stumble ALL of the time. My desire to help him be better. NOT better for me, but he needs therapy or medication for his mental illness. Again, I believe that if he were not sick, we would not be in this situation. I noticed today that he has started putting his direct deposit into HIS personal account and transferring money to our joint account. This is the first time that I noticed this and he said that he did it several weeks ago. That was a lie, bank deposits don't lie; I DID call him and ask if this is something that we were going to discuss. He said there was nothing to discuss. He was now putting money into our account instead of transferring it out (which is true - we both put equal amounts into the joint account for bills). He said, we are seperated, right? I said, um, no......you still live in the basement. We are not separated. I explained to him that I had all of my end of the bargain done since he had asked for the divorce and said that after working 13-14 hour days he had been too exhausted to deal with it. We could talk about it this weekend. By talking about it, he means what his demands are as far as money that HE wants to receive. I desperately do not want this to become an arguement. If I do not "comply" he will threaten me with, "we will hash this out in court then, " call me names and make my weekend an absolute hell. AND, "Cadet", what does "off of moderation mean?"
