Glutton for punishment

[DnJ]

Good Morning Ginger

Your struggles and depression has struck a chord within me. I do empathize with where you find yourself. (((Hugs))) I will share some of my path and actions that have worked for me; feel free to do with it as you see fit.

Depression is a necessary step along life’s path. While walking within its fogginess, it seems, it feels, like it will last forever. Emotional fog limits the reach of our vision. Depression’s focus is upon the past, upon the loss, not towards the future.

Have faith, this will pass. The fog will thin and sun will shine through and light the future once again. A future, by the way, that right now exists; even though you cannot clearly see it.

I have some decent friends. Some who i thought were my ride or dies really aren't. But I do have good friends. But lets be real. They have their kids, husbands, jobs, families. They give the support a partner gives to their partners. WOuld they be there for me in an emergency? Absolutely. But we know partners are your partner.

Yes, friends are not your life partner. They absolutely would be there in an emergency. It’s that daily feedback of a loving partner that is absent.

Feedback, encouragement. In truth a person requires so very little of that to fill them up. A kind word, or gesture. The world wears a mask, folks adorn themselves with their facade and go about their day. For one in depression, it’s like no one understands or cares. When in truth, most people are just wrapped up in their own lives. And most folks really just don’t know how to display empathy, caring, and kindness.

I also cannot be vulnerable with anyone. Here and MY old IC . That was it. I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with anyone.

Here and IC. That’s it. Really?

Are you vulnerable with yourself?

Are you comfortable being vulnerable with yourself?

Do you reach the bar you set for yourself? How high is it set? Is it achievable? Is it superwomen height? Are you ok when you miss the target? Are you ok being vulnerable? Are you open to your own self?

Until you are comfortable being vulnerable with self, you will not be comfortable being vulnerable with others.

In a nutshell, I am depressed. I have been struggling for so long thinking and hoping eventually things will get easier and they don't. I have worked very hard to try to make things easier and better for myself. To no real avail. I work hard, very hard, and i am broke. I lay up at night looking for a solution and right now the only one is to find more ways ot make money. I am stuck here, in this house in this state, with one income for at the very least 3.5 years. I do all the heavy lifting in parenting even though my ex and i get along. I am the problem solver, the motivator, the one on top of her school,her friends, her healthcare, her everything. My ex does none of that. He has no clue in what's going on in her life.

Yes, you are a problem solver. Let’s look at the inputs and “solve” them.

You work hard. And yet are broke.

Write down your finances. All the income sources, and all the expenses. Project the net forward. If the trend is downward, change something. Most likely expenses.

The knowledge and clarity of one’s financial situation is usually quite eye opening. Unrealized expenses that are not very “bang for the buck” worthy oftentimes accumulate in our financial peripheral. One of my examples was my satellite TV subscription of $160/month. Yeah, when six people lived at home it was worthy. With just me, and never actually watching TV, what was I spending two grand a year on?

With organizing and arranging we are not usually as broke as we feel. Again, if things are indeed dire, we have knowledge to make changes that will truly affect the situation.

“I am the problem solver, the motivator, the one on top of her school,her friends, her healthcare, her everything.” I hear you. And that’s a lot of stress and responsibility.

G, your daughter is a teenager. She needs to “start” being on top of her own school, friends, and life. I’m not saying you just drop the reins; no, that actually doesn’t ever happen, for you love and care about your child. It’s encouraging them to grow and become adults.

That growth is awesome to witness and at the same time depressing. Our kids grow up. Which mean we grew old. That wonderful balance of the last decade, life’s equilibrium, is getting shifted. There is a loss occurring. And a gain is occurring. Depression is pretty normal as one’s kids become adolescent/adults.

I do feel for you. Foggy, overwhelmed. Do take some time for you.

D