Glutton for punishment

[MLCxH]

Have you explored options to tap into the equity in your house? With the recent real estate boom, I am assuming your house is worth a lot more than your mortgage, so there are probably potential options to tap into it without selling your house.

I understand you are busy, but if you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed, I would highly recommend getting at least some professional help. Your mental health is important and needs to be prioritized. Hang in there - you got this!

[bttrfly]

G,
Why don't you just start where you are today, rather than re-hashing, re: IC? I know that you'll need to give a history, but giving the executive summary is a good start. Think of some bullet points of what you want to address immediately, small, achievable goals.

YOu've got to start putting the oxygen mask on yourself if you're going to get through the next 3.5 years. But what happens after that? You're still going to bring yourself where ever you go, meaning you need to take care of yourself NOW. Not-so-little-anymore G needs you to do that more than she needs you to do anything else.

xoxo

[DnJ]

Good Morning Ginger

Your struggles and depression has struck a chord within me. I do empathize with where you find yourself. (((Hugs))) I will share some of my path and actions that have worked for me; feel free to do with it as you see fit.

Depression is a necessary step along life’s path. While walking within its fogginess, it seems, it feels, like it will last forever. Emotional fog limits the reach of our vision. Depression’s focus is upon the past, upon the loss, not towards the future.

Have faith, this will pass. The fog will thin and sun will shine through and light the future once again. A future, by the way, that right now exists; even though you cannot clearly see it.

I have some decent friends. Some who i thought were my ride or dies really aren't. But I do have good friends. But lets be real. They have their kids, husbands, jobs, families. They give the support a partner gives to their partners. WOuld they be there for me in an emergency? Absolutely. But we know partners are your partner.

Yes, friends are not your life partner. They absolutely would be there in an emergency. It’s that daily feedback of a loving partner that is absent.

Feedback, encouragement. In truth a person requires so very little of that to fill them up. A kind word, or gesture. The world wears a mask, folks adorn themselves with their facade and go about their day. For one in depression, it’s like no one understands or cares. When in truth, most people are just wrapped up in their own lives. And most folks really just don’t know how to display empathy, caring, and kindness.

I also cannot be vulnerable with anyone. Here and MY old IC . That was it. I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with anyone.

Here and IC. That’s it. Really?

Are you vulnerable with yourself?

Are you comfortable being vulnerable with yourself?

Do you reach the bar you set for yourself? How high is it set? Is it achievable? Is it superwomen height? Are you ok when you miss the target? Are you ok being vulnerable? Are you open to your own self?

Until you are comfortable being vulnerable with self, you will not be comfortable being vulnerable with others.

In a nutshell, I am depressed. I have been struggling for so long thinking and hoping eventually things will get easier and they don't. I have worked very hard to try to make things easier and better for myself. To no real avail. I work hard, very hard, and i am broke. I lay up at night looking for a solution and right now the only one is to find more ways ot make money. I am stuck here, in this house in this state, with one income for at the very least 3.5 years. I do all the heavy lifting in parenting even though my ex and i get along. I am the problem solver, the motivator, the one on top of her school,her friends, her healthcare, her everything. My ex does none of that. He has no clue in what's going on in her life.

Yes, you are a problem solver. Let’s look at the inputs and “solve” them.

You work hard. And yet are broke.

Write down your finances. All the income sources, and all the expenses. Project the net forward. If the trend is downward, change something. Most likely expenses.

The knowledge and clarity of one’s financial situation is usually quite eye opening. Unrealized expenses that are not very “bang for the buck” worthy oftentimes accumulate in our financial peripheral. One of my examples was my satellite TV subscription of $160/month. Yeah, when six people lived at home it was worthy. With just me, and never actually watching TV, what was I spending two grand a year on?

With organizing and arranging we are not usually as broke as we feel. Again, if things are indeed dire, we have knowledge to make changes that will truly affect the situation.

“I am the problem solver, the motivator, the one on top of her school,her friends, her healthcare, her everything.” I hear you. And that’s a lot of stress and responsibility.

G, your daughter is a teenager. She needs to “start” being on top of her own school, friends, and life. I’m not saying you just drop the reins; no, that actually doesn’t ever happen, for you love and care about your child. It’s encouraging them to grow and become adults.

That growth is awesome to witness and at the same time depressing. Our kids grow up. Which mean we grew old. That wonderful balance of the last decade, life’s equilibrium, is getting shifted. There is a loss occurring. And a gain is occurring. Depression is pretty normal as one’s kids become adolescent/adults.

I do feel for you. Foggy, overwhelmed. Do take some time for you.

D

[Traveler]

Sending well-wishes for the badass Ginger, likely in the middle of a big cleaning push.

[Dawn70]

(((G)))

I'm sorry you are so down and depressed. It makes my heart hurt that you say the only place you can feel vulnerable is with IC and here. Being vulnerable is so very hard when you are a tough chick and you, my friend, are definitely a tough one. I wonder if being vulnerable with others is difficult for you, not because you don't have people you can do it with, but you don't want to do it because you somehow don't want those people to think you are less than. For me, personally, what you said about your dad really stood out. He wants you to tell him everything but then when you do, he invalidates. Is that a fear that you have in being vulnerable with others...that they will invalidate like your dad does? Might be something worth looking into.

You are a great mom and it [censored] that you have to do all the heavy lifting concerning little G, but as kml said, are we shocked that your XH leaves it all to you? Not particularly. You are raising one h3ll of a young lady and she's going to learn the value of hard work from you and what a great gift you are giving her to set her off on the right foot as she careens toward adulthood at break-neck speed.

I know you are broke. It [censored]! Sister, I'm so right there with you it isn't even funny. My birthday is this weekend and we don't even have the money to go out and do anything fun because we just spent $600 getting our propane tank refilled a few weeks ago. Heat or birthday celebration...hmmmmm....that's a no brainer!

Girl, I hear your struggle and I'm just so sorry that I can't do anything to help you. I wish I could. I'm here to listen if you need to talk.

Take care of yourself. Whoever it was who said you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first hit the nail right on the head. Take care of you and let some other stuff go. If little G is having friends over, why are YOU the one up at 5:30 cleaning the house? She isn't 7, she's a teenager. She lives there too and is likely just as responsible, if not more so, for the mess that is there than you are. Stop trying to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and cut yourself some slack. You deserve it!!!!!!!!!

[Ginger1]

as always some really good feedback , thoughts, and compassion. It's much appreciated.

I am in desperate need for self care, this is absolutely true. D14 has her friend over, I ordered pizza for everyone, gyro salad and I actually ate it in my bed ( I have a strict no eating in bed rule) but I broke it. I am watching the funniest dating show ever. Comedians do commentary on blind dates. It's hilarious. Tormorrow is work from home and complete my training. I could have gotten OT again tomorrow but i have to work sunday, and i don't want to kill myself. I was not in a fog today thankfully. I felt better and functional.

D14 has 3 friends over. one is pretty much family, the other i have met a few times and i really like her, and the other is really sweet too. She has really good friends, very respectful. I get alot of joy seeing my daughter strive in social situations. I think friends and the ability to socialize is one of the most important things in high school. And she is nailing it. She did help me clean a bit last night and this morning I couldn't be up at 5:30am (the dog has also been waking me up 3 times per night) but I told my boss i was coming in 45 min late (didn't tell them why,a nd i only have ot be ready for 9am huddle which is easy for me) and i cleaned. ANd i felt much better.

I haven't heard from date guy. I knew I wouldn't. I would have done a second date, but it seems he would rather ghost and that's fine. Like LH's experience, chemistry and sparks is usually expected on a first date. We didn't have that. Not upset it about it.

Yes, my financial struggles are a big part of my depression right now. I find it insane that I have a degree, a professional career, am emplyed full time plus and i barely make ends meet. That I think is the part that makes me so depressed. I would be in great shape in any other state, or with the income of a partner. But not as a single mom in my area. It saddens me. My divorce was long ago, and i have dealt with it, but truth be told, it will have ever lasting effects, and one is financially. I am stuck here until she is 18, I would have been gone long ago. ANd as we had a huge new financial responsibility (our child) he decided to leave me with managing that basically on my own. I get $88 week in child support. That's nothing. And she won't ask him for anything. Only me. Even when she is at his house she will call me if she wants or needs something I do honestly sometimes say "ask your father".

I have absolutely thought about selling my house and renting. I did the research on it. Guess what. Rent has shot up and it's as much as my mortgage. It's not worth uprooting us before I am going ot uproot again when she graduates. If it's not going to give me enough room to breathe, I might as well just hold out.

I really don't even do anything nice for myself.I don't get my hair done. My daughter dyes my grays out of a box. I get my nails done for $50 once every 3 weeks (mani and pedi) I am a bargain shopper. I buy my clothes on amazon and target. On sale. I have no designer bags or shoes. My biggest expenditure is eating out a few times per month, which I drastically reduced. I have been saving for 6 months to do my eye brow microblading. $500. I saved it. ANd i feel guilty doing it. But I am going to. I reworked all my bills. Got rid of subscriptions. I just bought 2 for $20 sunglasses.

Friends and vulnerability:
Alot of my close friends are coworkers. I confide in one a bit. We got pretty close. We share a tiny office for 8 hours a day. She is 29. I am 41. But we are actually really good supports to eachother. Other than that, I am the friend everyone else comes to with their problems, People see me as funny G. Upbeat. (shocking, right?). ANd the ironic thing is everyone will lay their feelings and problems and issues right out for me and seek me out for advice. But i can't seem to do i back.

And I imagine that is my issue in my past relationships. 2 men I really really cared about both said " something is missing". ANd I realize it might be my vulnerability. It's not there. I am scared to scare anyone away (friends and romantic) that i hold back. ANd I showed an oucne of vulnerability with M the week before he broke up with me. I was having a bad few days, a bunch of small stuff that piled up. I shared it with him. He invalidated me by saying "that's it?" I then communicated ot him that sometimes i have a rough time and while it might not be big drama with the father of my child (he always was venting about his baby mama drama), my experiences are real too and I could use an ear to listen as well. 3 days later he broke up with me. I keep my emotions and struggles ot myself. I did that growing up to, because i didn't want anyone to find out about my home life.

Man, am I long winded lately. But today was a better day, Thank you.

[kml]

M was a jerk - he did you a favor.

[DejaVu6]

My kids do the same thing G. If they need something, even if they are at dad’s, they call me. He seems to have them convinced he can’t afford anything extra and that he is really stressed most of the time (some things never change) so they loathe to make him uncomfortable or put out in any way so it’s just easier to call mom. We the 50/50 custody though so there is no child support. We do, however, have an agreement that we split any extraordinary child expenses at the end of each month. Currently that is RESP’s, cell phone any extra sports fees. On occasion, an expensive pair of shoes. Does the child support he pays cover extra expenses? I know the child support that XH used to pay his daughter’s mom did not so we were always paying little extras here and there. Little G is a teenager now. Expenses are greater in a lot of ways. Maybe the child support payments can be increased to reflect that?

[BL42]

Ginger1,

Sorry about the financial finances. That must be difficult.

I'm wondering...have you spoken with ExH about it? Not your personal situation, but in regards to your daughter and child support. $88/week isn't much. I pay many times that even though we have 50/50. Considering ExH & OW seem to want to be friends and a happy family playing Mario Kart together, I wonder if he (or they) might be open to providing more or even just picking up some expenses he's not already covering (cell phone, extracurricular activity...whatever). Or, perhaps I'm completely off base and ExH would balk or throw a fit.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Ginger

You are absolutely correct that rent is just as much, or in some cases more than a mortgage.

Yes, my financial struggles are a big part of my depression right now. I find it insane that I have a degree, a professional career, am emplyed full time plus and i barely make ends meet. That I think is the part that makes me so depressed. I would be in great shape in any other state, or with the income of a partner. But not as a single mom in my area. It saddens me.

Yes finances are a big stressor in life. As gently and encouraging as I can:

You are making ends meet. Even if it is only barely. That is something to be proud of. Good for you!

Everyday, you provide food, shelter, entertainment, life. Everyday you grow equity in your house. That is progress.

Ok, so not the great shape you’d like to have right now. That’s alright. You have constraints which you, being a responsible gal, are meeting. Three and a half years, and things can change. I think you are doing excellent, by the way.

I really don't even do anything nice for myself.

(((Hug)))

Please change that.

Do something nice for you!

Fulfilling, affirming, rejuvenating, invigorating, relaxing, soothing, uplifting, good for the soul - nice for myself doesn’t need to equate to cost.

Friends and vulnerability:
Alot of my close friends are coworkers. I confide in one a bit. We got pretty close. We share a tiny office for 8 hours a day. She is 29. I am 41. But we are actually really good supports to eachother. Other than that, I am the friend everyone else comes to with their problems, People see me as funny G. Upbeat. (shocking, right?). ANd the ironic thing is everyone will lay their feelings and problems and issues right out for me and seek me out for advice. But i can't seem to do it back.

Showing our vulnerability, that soft underbelly, is oftentimes felt as a weakness. Especially if it was to those who seek you out for their problems. That is our perceptions of what we feel would be the case. Thing is, displaying your own vulnerability makes you even more approachable and sought after.

People seek you out due to their respect of you and your life. Respect fosters trust. Just look at the trust demonstrated with folks laying it all out before you. People approach because you listen and hear them. I suspect you aren’t telling people what to do, and how to live their lives. You more encourage and help them find their answers; answers that are already within.

But i can't won’t seem to do it back.

Can’t, will ensure you don’t. Won’t, makes it your choice.

“Won’t” is the first step. Realizing that. Imagining you can. That’s half the battle. After that, you just got to walk the path. And you know how to do that, for you display it here.

I am scared to scare anyone away (friends and romantic) that i hold back.

Opening up, being vulnerable, is scary. One risks themselves. It is safer behind walls.

To me it looks like your life experiences and home life when young have crafted a very real connection between vulnerable and fear. You my dear Ginger can uncouple that. You are a smart, professional, full time working, single Mom who is raising a wonderful daughter. You have a good head on your shoulders, and a loving heart in you chest. You really should display that more often. You have a wonderful light about you. Open up, let it shine.

By the way, that is a very nice thing for yourself. Most fulfilling.

Have a great day.

D