I do have that lawyer retained. So, I feel like I’m ready there, either way. I have already talked to a refinance banker and I’m ready to move forward. When he said I could keep the house, I immediately contacted a banker to see my options. All that needs to be done is the paperwork to get him off of the mortgage. After I told him I talked to a banker, that is when he came back with his ridiculous “counter offer”. I will stand firm that I will NOT live mortgage poor because of his greed. My past exes did that to me and one allowed our house to go into for closure which took me years to mend. I am an only child who does everything I can to help out my Mom, so I will not sacrifice to not be able to do that. Even if it means getting ugly in court. That in itself breaks my heart because that is not who I am but I am slowly realizing I must take care of me. Him living here is so hard. I feel like if he wanted a divorce that badly, he’d be gone. On the flip side, is he staying here because it is cheaper and I am allowing it? These are the things that keep up at night. I push for him to get out, I will lose him for good. At least now, he’s here. I do have a fear of being alone….because I am an only child with no children. As crappy as my marriage is/was, my H always helped my Mom when needed. Some of those things, I simply can’t do. Then sometimes, I feel like I am just too old and exhausted to start over and I don’t want too. I DO know that I am miserable in this current married situation. I know that I should never allow someone to speak to me the way he does. I have tried to justify that as if he were a “well person” he would not be doing this. I DO believe that he is not mentally well and this is not “him”. I work in healthcare. I am a fixer. That’s what I do. AND, I can’t fix him and that breaks my heart!!! I am babbling and making excuses. I know I have to make a decision and do something. I do feel like I am Working on me. I will continue to. And I will start with 180. This will be a challenge everyday because I am a giver and inherently a nice person. Yes, Steve….that does look like a doormat. I guess I have always been that way. I think it was learned behavior as I watched my mother be the exact same person and I literally hated my Dad for the way he treated her. From a southern, old fashioned home, women were taught, just keep the peace, WE must be the one who is making him angry. I feel like this is just a learned trait. I also KNOW this is not true and have had several arguments with my mom about it. I am trying to change my mindset for many things. With that being said, I WILL push forward and try this 180. It takes me 100% out of my comfort zone but I have nothing else to lose.
