Welcome Cathy. I echo what others have said here. Stop making him the focus and make yourself the focus. Get out of the house. Do not make dinner for him. In fact, when dinner time rolls around, make a point of being elsewhere every few days. Go for a walk, make plans with friends, go to a movie, the gym, etc…. Just don’t do what is expected. And do not tell him what you are doing or report to him in any way. It’s none of his business. Do a really good self assessment and figure out what things you need to change to make you the best you that you can be and get going on it.
I know it is hard. Believe me…when BD happened to me, I just wanted to crawl into the nearest corner, curl up in a little ball and die. I was beyond devastated for many months. People on here just kept telling me to get up and get moving and that eventually my feelings would change. I did not believe them. I did not think that I could ever feel okay again. Being tossed aside in favour of someone else (in my sitch) is the WORST feeling ever. But, as D is fond of saying, feelings are fleeting so we should try very hard to not make critical decisions based on them.
Four years later and I am divorced, XH is married to OW and I have 50/50 custody of my kids. When all of this began, those three things were my absolute worst fears. At the time, I imagined all three of them happening and I literally thought I would die if they did. But guess what? I didn’t die and, in fact, I am doing better than ever. I am happy. I am growing. I am learning. I am dating…lol. My 54th birthday is looming and I’m okay with it.
I’m not sure where the turning point for me was in my situation. I remember that I posted non-stop at all hours of the night just to deal with the emotional pain of it all. I tried to take people’s advice (often failing miserably) and when I felt the least like getting up and out of the house is when I pushed myself the most. New Years came around. I didn’t want to do anything so I hosted a party of about 25 people. I went to staff parties I didn’t want to go to. I made some new female friends. I took my kids on vacation. I improved my diet and started exercising more. And then one day my friend, who had been through a similar situation, looked at me and said, “think of what you have lost and when nothing comes to mind, move on”. I laughed at the time but when I really reflected on what she had said, I realized she had been right. Even though my H had only left four months before then, the truth was that he had left me long, long, long before that and I had been alone for much longer than I cared to recognize. Not sleeping in the same bed for two and a half years? I think you can probably relate. I was married for 12 years and desperately lonely for four of those. I am not lonely anymore.
Having been where you are, I know that what people are saying probably doesn’t feel like it is helping. You want to know what to do to get him back… change his mind. What you need to really understand is that the more you focus on answering those questions, the less likely it is that it will happen. Work on you first. Save yourself. You cannot control what he does. You can only control what you do. I promise you. You will not always feel like this. Use the time you have now for self improvement…not to get him back but to get you back.
BTW…do not go to therapy. Couples therapy only works if both people are going with the same goal. If you are going to save the marriage and he has already decided it is over, he will use whatever is said in session to justify his choice. I don’t care how skilled the therapist is… it will not help.
Hang in there. It gets better with time. (((HUGS)))
