Verbally Abusive

[SteveLW]

Cathy, wow. That was a rough read. Not only because of what you have had to go through which sounds brutal. But also because, I was your husband. Almost everything that you describe with the exception of a couple (the porn and I never called her names, just critical of what she did or didn't do) were things I was guilty of. But I was angry, bitter, entitled. When BD arrived I had actually contemplated BDing her for quite a while.

A few things stand out to me. First, I feel like he is sure he doesn't want to stay with you because he KNOWS that he can have you back anytime he wants. As I said above, I was close to BDing my WAW when BD rolled around in my sitch, and instead it was her telling me she didn't want to be married anymore. Suddenly, she became the THING I had to have. I went from "if she isn't careful I will leave her!" to "OH MY GOODNESS! IF I LOSE HER I WILL DIE!!"

Also, you say you have trust issues. Apparently so does he. Setting up cameras to spy on you? WOW. And it is also contrary to what he says and how he acts. He has shut you out for years. He claims there is no hope for you guys to stay together. But he apparently cared enough to spy on you!

Finally this: " speak, very civilly, when I go to the store, I buy the things that he wants, likes, needs. I cook dinner and we have had a few together. As long as conversation stays superficial, we are fine." This tells me that the first thing that you have to learn is that you CANNOT nice him back to the marriage. So stop this behavior. I mean be civil, but stop going out of your way for him. This man is firing you as his wife, and your reaction (many of us have had this same reaction) is to be more of a wife to him. I did the same thing, "she doesn't want me as a husband, so I will become the best husband she has ever seen!" The problem is that it doesn't work. He will cake eat and let you continue to be a stepford wife, but it won't command his respect.

Notice what I point out above: In my case I thought I didn't want my wife....until I couldn't have her! And he obviously still cares otherwise he wouldn't have spied on you. So, what if you gave him what he wanted? What if you showed him you were willing to move forward with your life without him? In my own sitch some of the things that made her question her decision were: my being willing to sell the house, my telling her I would not be playing house with her after D, my talking to a divorce lawyer, my pushing to talk to our daughter about the split, etc.

I think you have a chance, if you very confidently, very happily, very boldly start moving forward with your life. It may start getting him to realize what he is losing. Go out and GAL like a mad woman. Be busy busy busy. If he asks who you are going out with and where you are going, you tell him that he has fired you as his wife and he doesn't get to ask those kinds of questions. You continue to work on yourself, stay in IC/therapy, learn how to 180 on bad behaviors, and become the best version of yourself that you can be. Become a woman only a fool would leave! And then you also learn to emotionally detach from him. You literally do not let his words and deeds have an effect on you emotionally. When he starts to get angry and lash out and be verbally abusive, you calmly state that you will not allow yourself to be spoken to that way, and then you leave! Go out and do a GAL activity, but you do not stand and allow yourself to be disrespected.

1 or both of two things will eventually happen if you can do the above: one you will become the best version of yourself, happy and healthy, and move forward with your life....NO MATTER WHAT he ultimately decides. If he decides to go through with the divorce, well, you are set up for success in your future life. If he decides to stay, then you can decide what MR 2.0 (your current marriage is dead and should NEVER be allowed to continue to exist) looks like and tell him what you expect from him in order to remain married: IC for him, MC for you both, full transparency from him in every facet of life (email, social media, smart phone, and all electronic devices).

Cathy, we all go through the "I need to do whatever the WAS wants in order to save my marriage." You need to change your perspective to "I need to do whatever I can to move my own life forward happy and healthy". The difference is the latter sets you up for success no matter what your WAH decides. And the latter also sometimes causes the WAS to realize what they are missing and decide they want to stick around.

Cathy, one last thing. Please do not take this a bash, it is just an observation, and something you can explore with your therapist, but it sounds like you've spent a lot of your life as a doormat. Two ex-Hs that cheated on you. A WAH that feels free to speak to you in ways that no man should speak to their wife in. Find your inner-strength, see your own self-worth, and start standing up for yourself!

Please keep posting, and tell us more, and feel free to ask questions.