Quote: Corri: I'm not sure exactly what you're saying here. Are you saying that the no-pressure isn't working, or that applying pressure isn't going to work? I'm thinking that the only pressure I'm going to apply for the next month or so (two weeks of which we will be on vacation) is what Tom recommends, e.g. "let's ML" "No" "Okay, no problem (thought bubble saying 'your loss, babe.')"
I was saying the 'no pressure tactic' won't work because no matter what you do or don't do, she will feel pressure. I think deep down she knows the lack of sex is a real problem.
But you just cleared it up for me with that last statement, so, I'm with you now. Honestly, I'm so excited for you, I can't see straight. It is the most healthy of attitudes I've ever seen you post.
Okay Tim, I've got page 339, bullet points two and three. #2. "Stop trying to make your partner listen accept and validate you. Validate yourself." It also says that even when your observations about your partner are accurate, they may reflect that this observation is most relevant and timely to your own development." So, are you saying that I might be the one who is afraid to make myself vulnerable? I don't get this. I feel vulnerable every time the subject turns to sex with her, because I feel like she's going to get angry and have an outburst (as her way of being defensive and of deflecting the "blame" for our sexless marriage onto me. So, you may need to explain that one to me a bit more specifically.
Bullet #3 says "Keep your mouth shut about your partner's issues--particularly concerning things you're certain are true." I understand this. I shouldn't tell her that I think she's afraid to have sex with me because she feels she can't "measure up" to my standards. Let her figure that out for herself. Is that what you were getting at?
Hairdog - who thinks he's pretty smart, except when it comes to this relationship stuff.
Thanks, Corri, for clearing that up. I was really confused. It kind of reminded me of a skit on Saturday Night Live where Ed Asner was playing a nuclear power plant operator who was going on vacation. His parting words of advice were, "Just remember, you can never give a reactor core too much water." After he left, and an emergency happened, the guy who took over for him said, "Did he mean, 'don't give it too much water' or 'give it all the water you want because it can take it.'?" By the way, if you can't see straight, you ought not drive today. Hairdog - thinking way too hard today.
Quote: It rained a huge amount here in Missouri last night. One of our cats (outdoor cats) jumped up on the porch and his fur was wet. I mentioned to my W, "Look at that. It's been a long time since I've seen a pussy that wet." She didn't react. Now come on, I was trying to be funny, and if you had heard my voice, you would have known that. I suppose this will be thrown back at me as "pressure." If so, I think her barometer is just plain broken.
I agree that the comment is funny, but if my husband said that (and it is the kind of thing he'd say) and if I was feeling guilty or aware in any way that my husband was dissatisfied with our sex life, it would have hurt and put more emotional distance between us.
If I felt close to him and he said something like, "Look, a wet pussy", I would have cracked up, and probably blushed, and it might lead to ML.
If we'd been apart for a long time (due to one of his many trips) and things were fine between us, and he told me this over the phone or in an email exactly as you said it, I would have found it funny because it would have been directed at the situation and not at me.
Just my two cents from an LD spouse who appreciates the sense of humor you bring to this board.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Okay folks, so do I just let this one go, or should I apologize for it? E.g., "Honey, I'm sorry I made that comment this morning about the cat. I know my idea of humor sometimes is not appropriate to the situation, bla bla bla."
Hairdog, The phrase "f*ck em if they can't take a joke" comes to mind. Which I know you would love to do, lol!
Seriously it was a joke and needs no explanation or apology. In my opinion, to do so further underscores her sense of 'rightness' that she has in regards to your sex life.
Only you may have a clue as to how she would react to an apology. She might not ever want to discuss the "joke" (that I thought was a riot) but she might want or need you to validate that you had a very Politically Incorrect moment that made her flinch.
Seems to me that even though you don't think you are applying pressure to her, you are from her perspective and she keeps withdrawing from you. You are a pretty intense guy and she just may need for you to mellow out a bit to get herself in a better place before any more action.
It's that old dammed if you do dammed if you don't scenario. I would make a brief apology and drop it entirely. If she wants to talk about it, then do so briefly then drop it.
JoJo wrote: It's that old dammed if you do dammed if you don't scenario. ______________________________
Ditto. If your sitch is like mine, it wouldn't matter whether you apologize or not. You'll probably hear about it either way.
I think you should differentiate on this and know that you didn't mean to put pressure on your W, you just made a great joke. Any pressure she's feeling isn't about what you do anyway. It's about her conflict with what she knows she should be doing and what she does instead.
Mike - I'm not a therapist, but I have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express
