Okay, she’s gone and I can go to bed at the time I wanted to, and I’m starting to feel calmer. I’m glad I didn’t try to say anything to them. I was too angry. This is part of such a clear pattern of passive aggression. With time I think I can tease out my feelings and understand I’m angry because yet more boundaries are being crossed, because I don’t have as much control over this living situation as I’d like, but if his guests stay in his room/front of the house, they can’t actually hurt me. Is there as much power in not caring (if I can get there) as there is in addressing the situation with him, letting him know I feel disrespected, coming to a roommate agreement of upfront notice, masking in common areas, etc? But isn’t that what normal roommates do, not MLCers?
Still there is the sense that my safe space was/is being violated, right after he exposed me to covid and didn’t tell me. It feels like this is more of him trying to exert control over me. My space has already been violated by him in so many ways over the past years, and now he’s found a new way to do it. I sense the better choice is to stay the course, say nothing, let him tire eventually of the limitations of this arrangement. Many things he’s done have been difficult for me in the past, but I’m in better shape now to handle it because I’ve let go of any desire to have him in my life. I love my life now; I’m just ready for him to go on his own path. But this thing has gone on so long, and I’m still obviously struggling with the prospect of major change that didn’t happen—it’s hard to summon the strength and will to keep going. To keep sharing space with his dysfunction, anger, blame, and pain. It’s no longer so much that *my H* is inconsiderate and unkind and controlling and all of this, but that a person living in my house is. It’s exhausting. I was so close, though! About to send off the new lease with just my name on it the day he told me he wasn’t moving.
Thanks for being here and letting my document my unraveling tonight.
